Nothing to Say

 

 

 

I came home to find you sitting in the corner.
You didn’t say a word to me.
Had I done something wrong for the silence to greet me.
The rain fell like tiny crystals all about. It fell outside the window and outside my heart. Yet the coldness had not invaded my soul.  I wondered how much more I could stand of this loneliness that you brought me.
Not speaking, no laughing, nothing to say that I mattered. Maybe I didn’t matter. Maybe none of this mattered. Was any of it real. Am I fooling myself to believe that it’s real. Am I even awake?  What if I’ve been sleeping the whole time and it’s not even happened? What will I find when I awaken? WHO ARE YOU? Does any of it even matter? Will I ever know if it is real or an illusion? When all about seems like it is failing I can fall into an abyss and wake up on the other side, a side that is filled with everything that is right. A side with No Mental Illness, no illness at all. Maybe I will be not so transparent to the world and people will see me. My words will be meaningful. Their contents not so translucent. Will a time exist when we are important? We’re important because we love. We love more than others and are not so judgemental. We care because we recognize ourselves in all that is good and so we can go on, as ONE.

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Do You Need a Place to Hide?

falling out of my box

THIS IS FOR YOU DOTTY

WHEN YOU NEED A PLACE TO HIDE

CAUSE THE WORLD TO YOU HAS LIED

WANT TO KEEP YOURSELF OUT OF LIGHT

BUT YOUR COLLECTION’S TAKEN THE EXTRA SIGHT

THE LOFT IS REALLY NO GOOD

CAUSE THERE’S A MANIAC THERE EATING YOUR FOOD

WELL, I’VE GOT A SILLY PLAN FOR YOU

SEE WHAT  KEPT ME FROM DRINKING THE BOOZE

A PLAIN CARDBOARD BOX

I SIT IN IT AND SOMETIME IT ROCKS

BUT YOU CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE

I FELL OVER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR

IT’S GOOD I KNOW HOW TO LAUGH

CAUSE IT REALLY HURT MY ASS

I’D GIVE YOU MY BOX TO USE

BUT THEN I’D NEED ANOTHER SO I DON’T LOSE

MY MIND AND GO BACK TO THE BOOZE

SO, DOTTY, I’D GIVE YOU MINE

BUT I’D NEED ANOTHER TO MAKE THINGS FINE

SO, IF YOU BUY A BLANKET OR TWO

A HUGE BOX THEY CAN SEND TO YOU

AND A NEW HIDING SPOT YOU’LL HAVE FOUND

HAPPINESS WILL EXIST ALL AROUND

THE END

30 Days of Creativity~Day 22

MY AMAZING MAGICAL FRENCH FISH POEM

TODAY creates the one day that all others will follow.
Look to the left. Look to the right. Don’t forget behind you. Always behind you….they may be lurking behind you.

Dead body floating at the edge of the pier.
Missing since last night but nobody was aware
that you fell off the end in a moment spent being high.
So super high the sky was in reach
and the stars called your name and swung on the beach.

You answered them one by one and did a little dance with a fish that was striped and came from France.
Wore a top hat and carried a cane he walked around in circles and called out your name.
He spoke with an accent and I think it was insane.
Speaking words of warning about the herbal game.

Then he took your hand and spun you in a circle.
He asked to borrow money thinking you were Angie Merkel.
Musical notes appeared on the pier below your feet.
Tripping yellow tulips grew around named Pete.
Dancing to the music from another land.
Orchestral melodies that sounded so grand.

Ripples laid black in the water glistened
The moonlight bounced off tried to listen
Listened for the sound that all was foretold
She knew your agenda was to be so bold.
Fear was nothing written into your script as
you edged closer to the side. Will you slip?

Stars inched closer to bid farewell to a friend
they spoke nightly to as you danced  along the dock
imaginary partners, lovers in lock
Sharp stinging your eyesight, the stars became blurry
Cold slap to the face your breath inhaled hurried

Where is the crashing coming from?
The screams emitting? The echoes from all sides
your mind is submitting, the end is upon you as the
water closes around. Heaviness, sinking dragging you down. Confusion greets you then the stars sing to you.

Lightness lifts you higher and stars shine again.
My top-hatted French fish I see you again!!
I’ll dance on the boardwalk and walk among the flowers. But no one can hurt me I have magical powers.
They found you floating by the pier early that day.
You were forgotten by the end of the week. It was  election day.

I hope you all like this. This is my first attempt at creating a poem that I consider Lewis Carrollesque and I like it. It’s after 1:30 in the morning now and this new medication has given me insomnia. Maybe I should try to sleep again. Imagine the wonderful dreams I’ll have now. Oh goody!

Bi-posting for the Bipolar or 30 Days of Creativity~ Day 18 Meets Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanks

Today I will attempt the impossible. Or, if after reading my blog you have time and by time I mean lots of time to kill, you could attempt the Impossible Quiz. ‘The Impossible Quiz’ is an entertaining annoying quiz game which I guarantee you will attempt to punish yourself over and over by trying to win. (If there is such a thing.)
I’m going to try to finish up my 30 Days of Creativity and start a new 30 day challenge at the same time. This one is 30 Days of Thanks. Wish me luck!!

Day 18—30 Days of Creativity

Who’s Watching Me

Who’s watching me
while I walk down the street
does anyone care
does anyone see

I used to believe
that everyone could see
every thought and emotion
that came from me

They could feel the tension
and knew my intentions
Wondered why I was there
what I wanted, did I mention?

Some smiled, even nodded,
but it didn’t matter
the panic was too great
the stares felt like they prodded

The world closed in
tightness crushed my skin
Judgement Day had arrived
And living was my sin

My peers had spoken
I didn’t belong
I could tell without words
all along

Stay away, don’t come out
You’re safer that way
No one’s opinion
Is important today

For I live in a new world
without any eyes
Traded it away
to silence my cries

Prisoner of life
but one of my choosing
I laugh at them now
Their world I’m refusing

Here, I’m accepted
for being who I am
fault-filled and broken
I am what I am.

DAY 1-30 DAYS OF THANKS!!

Number 1 is an easy one for me. I give thanks for my children. If not for them I would have had two less reasons to want to live after Nick died. I look at them from a mother’s eyes and can say I did one thing right at least. Even through the ups and downs of parenting when I thought I’d go crazy. The years of homeschooling, which was fun but also made me want to go running and screaming out of my house, were all worth it. They are both well educated and attending college. There is so much to be thankful for.

30 Days of Creativity~Day 17

TREE OF PAIN

what is it you want from me?
youth?
I cannot bring back the years you’ve lost…
time?
it passes in the flash of an eye..
happiness?
I have none to give..
I stand and gaze at your reflection and am swallowed up by the pain…
it envelopes my existence and suffocates me…
I drown within your waters.

30 Days of Creativity~Day 16


ME, MYSELF, AND I

today must be something to someone

a birthday or a special day somewhere

to me it’s just another day or have I forgotten

my brain cells seemed to have  disappeared

Is it the alcohol I’ve been drinking?

Or  the pills I’m prescribed to take each day?

The funny herbal concoction I’ve been smoking?

Am I still grieving every time a death comes my way?

I don’t think God is listening right now

he’s busy with more important matters

People killing each other everywhere

No time for my negative brain and it’s chatter

Just trying to keep busy so I won’t be thinking

honestly, I’m feeling so tired

sleep aint enough,  neither’s smoking nor drinking

into a corner now I’m hiding

Close the door on me and walk away

leave me behind and let the silence stay

Don’t say nothing cause you don’t know what to say

Me, Myself, and I are doing fine we’re okay

Go on, go on….just walk away…really, we’re fine…walk away.

30 Days of Creativity~ Day 13

my momma warned me there’d be days like these

The rain falls again….beating droplets dripping wet
Parched soil soaked in sweat from another day of labor
I waited for you like you said but you didn’t show
only the rain fell again.

I wanted to show you my world all around. The
importance of life, the green it abounds. They understand
when they see my face for my disappointment isn’t hidden.
They come to me just like the raindrops falling.

More caring and feeling in one small look
My laughter is healing when I see them gather.
Precipitation doesn’t seem to matter. Let the rain fall in buckets
it will wash you away. Leave us alone, it’s better that way.

I do wish we could chat longer, but… I’m having an old friend for dinner.