Dec. 1 Loneliness

I was greeted this morning by snow falling. Even though I am full aware of the weather report I wasn’t expecting this. I must have missed it. Normally I could care less. Today I am awash in this loneliness again. I don’t understand ….. let me analyze the situation…..  last year I was adrift in a sea of medications. My consciousness squashed in a jumble of non caring, non feeling and non being. I remember Christmas last year, I barely decorated the house. I put up a string of lights and a small stuffed Christmas tree my mother had made. My brother hung a wreath on the door. That was it. Last year was the first Christmas without my husband and no one wanted to do anything. It felt like a relief to do nothing. Also I started using the holidays as my excuse to drink. So, initially, I felt better in an alcohol induced sort of way.
It’s strange the way those medications work though. They took all my grief and shoved it down into the pit of who knows where and there it stayed. I think that’s why I feel the way I do now. Though I kind of want to punch myself in the head too. I grew up in a house where you were supposed to be quiet and not show emotions. So, when I feel strong emotions internally I feel very uncomfortable. I know it’s best to let them out, have a good cry, but it becomes a very strong internal struggle too. I definitely would like to get over the grieving and not feel the loss but being married for almost 25 years is a long time. And everything just screeched to a halt and in 3 1/2 months he died.
So, now here we are people are getting everything ready for the holidays and I have set up my scrawny tree again. I am looking at the mess that my upside down house has become. I am trying to figure out how to get rid of this lonely feeling, replace it with something else. I am determined to clean things up the best that I can. It’s true that I can’t help that my entire dining room became displaced when my father had to move his bedroom into that room. So, the dining room furniture is now into the living room and there are chairs everywhere. The house looks like a storage warehouse. But I certainly can put books into bookshelves and tidy up the place. No one ever comes by but my siblings but I have to look at it everyday and I need to see it neater. Besides, maybe if I keep my mind occupied I won’t feel as lonely and hopefully my next post will be brighter.

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In my last posting I mentioned briefly about my awakening from the murky depths of the Sertraline haze and how nice that felt. Well, it still feels good but it comes with a little baggage. A symptom that had been hidden is showing itself again. That symptom is anxiety and it likes to show up in the evening. I wondered if it’s because that is when I have a little break in my activities or when the sun sets so early now. ( I really dislike the darkness too). I get this feeling of impending doom and feel incredibly lonely.

I’ve been thinking would it help to get myself more involved in society. At this time I am not involved socially with the “outside” world. I go to stores when I need things but I am not socially active at all. If I do go somewhere, I go alone or I go with a family member. I still have friends from years past but I don’t see them regularly and I really don’t keep in touch with the exception of “liking” their status on Facebook or leaving a comment. So, it leaves me wondering how do I get involved and should I?
I could go somewhere on a weekend but only if I felt like it. Then there’s the decision of where to go and how much time to spend and do I really want to. What if I don’t like them? Although I’m not really that hard to please but I am afraid of getting tongue-tied because I do tend to trip over my words now. Is this just a passing phase because the days are so short and I’m beginning to feel incredibly lonely by myself. It dawned on me today that I really am alone but I’m not sure what that means to me deep inside. On one hand it’s a little scary to have only me as a friend. My brain is known to play tricks. But on the other hand maybe I’m not alone and I just need to reach out and “ask for help” look.
I already feel I’m not alone on a spiritual level just to clear the air but I’m not quite there when it comes to living totally without some kind of companionship.
I’m not even thinking about the future in regards to finding a future boyfriend/soulmate (whatever he would be called at my age). I don’t feel the draw towards that at all right now. I believe that will happen spontaneously or not at all. I don’t have the type of personality (as in open and trusting) to try a dating service so I would probably just meet someone while doing a hobby or a job. That is how I met my dear husband, through work.
Maybe I should start watching sports on TV then I would have something in common.  Most people I know are into football, basketball, and hockey. I only know about baseball. I never watched the others when my husband was alive and I really wasn’t much of a fan. I did like hockey though when I was younger. I just feel like it involves so much emotional and physical energy and the pay-off isn’t very good. I’d rather go for a walk than sit on a coach and yell at a TV screen.
Also I’ve stopped drinking, so the social drinking part of socializing is over. I suppose I could drink water but it would be a temptation. But I’m pretty strong when I want to be. I’m really not sure where I fit into today’s standards of socializing. I feel lost. I can’t eat out either because of my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I suppose all of this isn’t that unusual for a person with a mental illness either.
It has caused me some anxiety lately too. All of this thinking about the future and what should I be doing. Of course, being here in my house all week with my father can cause me to go stir crazy now that its standard time again and cold weather settles in. I can’t even step outside without freezing.

Maybe all my anxiety comes from worrying too much about what I should be doing? Does anyone else have this problem? Does this all stem from over thinking the situation. Perhaps the Sertraline buried that part of my personality and now it is back. This all could be tied into my OCD too. I don’t know. How does everyone else handle the long winters and the long nights? I’d hate to have to go back on the medication again. I’d like to see if I can find alternative ways to combat the anxiety and mania that stems from this time of year. We’ll see.

Anxiety in the Evening

What Chapter Are You On

I don’t write often enough in my blog. I seem to be suffering from a brain that is finding it hard to formulate words and ideas as of late. Every day that I wake up I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. So, I sit and stare a lot or I repeat the same motions over and over and over. For instance, I’ll check my email to see if anything new has arrived. I don’t get overly excited  as if I am being OCD about it I just have nothing better to do within my little prison. You do know I live in somewhat of a prison, don’t you? I could say it’s my mind which does act like a prison on bad days but I’m referring to my life as I am living it now. I like to consider it a chapter in book. This chapter is very long, in fact it may even be considered a section of a book of life. I don’t know when it will end nor how it will end nor am I writing my life. (although I argue with that thought on occasion because in fact I could be writing it partially)

I used to be self-sufficient. I was a landlord and owned a two-family home for 1o years. I owned my own commercial cleaning business for ten years too. I held it all together and worked very hard each day. I would feed off of my manic episodes having no idea that I was bipolar just thinking I had lots of energy and I made good use of it. I was diagnosed with depression since I was 13 and was considered a troubled child and even left school but I was trying to make something of myself on my own with my husband. Throughout those years of hard work I always considered myself blessed and lucky regardless of the heartache that came (my brother died when I was 23 / he was only 32) ; my husband got electrocuted at work and was considered saved and a rarity not to have been killed even though the electricity tore through his arms. I also started to develop more of the symptoms of being out of control. I had been a self-harmer since teen years and that got worse. Every few years I would cut myself and require stitches. My primary doctor gave me an anti-depressant figuring it was all just depression and it caused full-blown mania. I was driving through red lights, staying awake night after night, scaring people at my job, and running around my neighborhood. I finally checked myself into the hospital because  something deep inside me knew that I was teetering too close to the danger zone and I would hurt someone and I can only thank God for leading me to the right place. I was admitted and removed from the antidepressants and set up with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after discussing all the symptoms I had exhibited. For the first time I felt as if someone was listening and was finally hearing me. For years it seemed no one had been. Previous doctors always dismissed what I had to say.

So, that was my beginning. My diagnosis. I was 30 at the time and I am 48 now. Back then I tried a few different drugs, Lithium, is always the first one. Yuck, hated it. Wouldn’t use it. But I used Depakote and have been on that for 18 years, give or take some time. I’ve gone through my rebellious stages of not taking my pills and when I go off of Depakote I get seizures. But I had these seizures before, Depakote just helps control them. So, I stick with that. Also, Depakote controlled my urges to cut myself. It was the only thing to work for me. I never understood where those urges came from either. But that pill made it stop. The only time since then that I’ve self-harmed is when I was drinking and started taking Ativan after my husband died and I was on a bad, bad, downward spiral. Otherwise nothing.

I’m having a hard time figuring where I’m going with this. That’s what’s wrong with my brain now. I stop and my brain just quits on me as if it just wants to float on the clear blue sea and not be bothered with anyone or anything. I can’t spend my life doing nothing. That’s what bothers me the most here. I’m stuck here until whenever. I can’t leave because of my Dad. No one else is here but me myself, and I. There’s my Dad but he can’t talk and make sense any more. Even the dog sleeps all day because he’s old. No wonder I look forward to the laundry. But I’ve already done the laundry, cooked the evening meal, done the dishes, made the beds, all of the stuff there is to do….so now I’m like a plane waiting for take off but there’s nowhere to go.   AAAGGHH…….I’m tired of waiting.

Sorry for this stupid posting.

The Struggle Within

I think I’ve finally burned out. I’m tired of taking care of others. Tired of taking pills, tired of doing the work for free, just plain sick and tired of the day-to-day hum-drum. I’m also feeling ashamed of myself for not caring for not having the fight to continue. This has be a constant struggle now for weeks. I’m tired of all of this ever since the water leaked out of the washing machine. I’ve felt like I just can’t take any more of this whole stupid shit. I’m still trying to get that fixed too. Because of the age of the house and the way my Dad plumbed the pipe sixty years ago , the whole thing will have to be pulled out and a new one will have to be put in. I’m terrified of the whole thing. I wanted to have the washer put into the basement never to be seen again but that would cost close to $4000 and run the risk of shattering the main drain because it was so old, something called victory pipe from WWI . All I know is this damn washer will still be in my kitchen and I hate it.I must have been swept away in a flood or a raging torrent because this is scaring the hell out of me.

I also fell off the wagon and went back to drinking. I don’t even care either. I’m so disgusted with the way my life is I just don’t care. I’ll stop when I feel like it or get sick or when the doctor yells at me or something drives me more insane. I don’t know what to say about it. At least I’m not out of control and I’m not drinking to the excess that I was in the summer. I’ve decided to do more reading instead. I have a drink and then relax with some TV or read. I have one of those electronic readers, mine is a Kindle, and after getting a gift certificate for my birthday I got some new books. First I’m reading a free book that came with my new cell phone. I’m reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again. I read it 100 years ago but it’s light escapism is nice to read before going to sleep at night. I like the part of the book when she meets up with the Cheshire Cat and asks for directions away from the madness:

But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked.

`Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: `we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’

`How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.

`You must be,’ said the Cat, `or you wouldn’t have come here.’

That’s how I feel being in this house among my family. I’ll never get better because I’m among them and this situation. I want so badly to get away from this place but I can’t even go away to the mental hospital. I just got this visual of me being a scarecrow with a big pole stuffed up my backside. I’m stuck in a field to scare away the birds. I do my job but it’s lonely and I can’t escape and the others constantly come and pick away at me.

SHOO….GET AWAY…..YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS…..SHOO……   I JUST WANT A MOMENTS PEACE…..NO RESPONSIBILITY  …..GET AWAY

Everyone thinks you’re doing such a great job and constantly tells you how wonderful you are and then goes away. Meanwhile the flood waters get deeper and you slowly drown.

Nothing to Say

 

 

 

I came home to find you sitting in the corner.
You didn’t say a word to me.
Had I done something wrong for the silence to greet me.
The rain fell like tiny crystals all about. It fell outside the window and outside my heart. Yet the coldness had not invaded my soul.  I wondered how much more I could stand of this loneliness that you brought me.
Not speaking, no laughing, nothing to say that I mattered. Maybe I didn’t matter. Maybe none of this mattered. Was any of it real. Am I fooling myself to believe that it’s real. Am I even awake?  What if I’ve been sleeping the whole time and it’s not even happened? What will I find when I awaken? WHO ARE YOU? Does any of it even matter? Will I ever know if it is real or an illusion? When all about seems like it is failing I can fall into an abyss and wake up on the other side, a side that is filled with everything that is right. A side with No Mental Illness, no illness at all. Maybe I will be not so transparent to the world and people will see me. My words will be meaningful. Their contents not so translucent. Will a time exist when we are important? We’re important because we love. We love more than others and are not so judgemental. We care because we recognize ourselves in all that is good and so we can go on, as ONE.

Normal?

I’m the same as you
when I wake I open my eyes
I use a toilet too
just like you

I eat food to nourish my body
maybe not the same
that makes your taste buds ignite but
the system functions the same

There are times when I’m not the same
I see things differently
I feel screams inside me
my body feels every sound that passes
by my ears
My lungs are squeezed for air like two arms
wrapped around them
My soul feels pain for every soul that hurts
even though it knows not who they are nor where
Other times it doesn’t care, feels like a zombie and
is unaware, a bomb could ignite and not care if I lay dying.

Good….I needed that pain and the searing agony,
deserve the people’s stares….they look on unaware that I am special, for all they care I could be God but they’re too busy to really know the answer. Too busy to really know the truth. Too busy to really know I know. To busy to know I have dropped down and destroyed all I worked so hard for, now back to the beginning  to START once again. I ask the question….does it end?  When? When does this really ever end? Or does it ever really end? I wonder.

Early in the morning when there’s nobody….

I woke up too early this morning. In fact I didn’t get enough sleep last night. My fault partly because I stayed up later than I should have and then I’ve been waking up every morning at around 3:45 or 4:00 a.m. I am very groggy and it feels as if someone is waking me. Maybe my husband’s ghost is coming to see me. He used to start work at those crazy hours so maybe those are his haunting hours too. I don’t know what else it is. But as soon as I’m awake then I have to go to the bathroom, of course. I drink so much water now to take the place of what I was drinking before…lol. After I go to the toilet I go back to sleep. This  morning I was having a dream that I was jumping on a trampoline and some followers of a church were all chanting ‘The power of Christ compels you” when my father woke me up because he wanted to get up. I kept wondering where had I heard this chant before…”the power of Christ compels you?” ….it has been driving me nuts for the past hour or so until it dawns on my pea-brain to Google it. Lo and behold, oh yeah, it was from the movie, The Exorcist,….LOL….I must have been having an exorcism on a trampoline in my dream.

WOW..that’s amazing! That’s just what I need, an exorcism!! Drive the evils remains of the demons of the alcoholism far away from me and bring back the old me, the fun me, the one that didn’t need a damn thing to fall on the floor laughing because I just love to laugh and have a great time anyway.

Honestly I think I’m there anyway. Last night I looked around my living room where my wedding photo hangs on the wall  and I get the real feeling that my husband is moving along to better places in heaven now. Before I felt that he was coming and going, now I think he has an important job and is busy. He can come see me when ever I need him to but there is a different feeling in my house. I feel like now if I wanted to date again I could. Or if I start donating his clothes and shoes I can. I still get teary-eyed but I can do it.

I’m sure being one week without having any alcohol in me helps. I am very proud of myself. I haven’t felt this good about quitting something since I quit smoking back in 2001. I think the Risperidone is helping too. It seems to calm my mood and thinking quite a bit. Even yesterday when my daughter who is vacationing in California texted that she had tripped and hurt her leg and then had a migraine and felt like dying and just wanted to come home-made me feel stressed because I couldn’t help her. I tried calling and couldn’t talk to her because her phone went to voice mail. I was totally helpless and useless and 3000 miles away. I had to just handle it. Not drink, not freak out, not get mad, nothing. I managed to do so. That’s a big deal for me since before I would have poured a big glass of vodka and Kahlua and become totally zoned out to it all. So, thank you God, thank you Nick, thanks to my friends for listening and supporting me, thanks to my family for putting up with me, and thanks to myself too for not giving up. Who knows what tomorrow will bring!