Under New Management

828d6ec2dfcaa4e1916c3c7429d3c121

I help people .

I show people that they are good…they are worthy…they have gifts that are unique to them and their contributions to the world no matter how small they perceive them to be are far greater than they could imagine.

I am a messenger.

I didn’t know this before because I didn’t acknowledge this in myself. Now I know. I’ve always tried to help people since I was very little yet I needed the approval of so many people that the act of graciousness lost its meaning after awhile.

My brain’s over-analysis of every situation attempting to control everyone and everything eventually burned out. I’m really glad that it did too. My brain is enjoying the holiday. Constantly thinking with one’s mind is tiring. When I tried thinking with my soul my perspective changed from one of fear to one of love. I no longer felt anger, the emotion ceased as did the entire thought process justifying my anger. The first time I tried this I really was amazed at how great it felt. I wanted to stay like this all of the time. Yet, the simple concept of ‘wanting’ that feeling involved using my mind and so it left. Hindsight shows me that I should have enjoyed the feeling for that moment because there is only the present. This isn’t to say that I have transformed into some guru or something. I’m simply saying I’ve realized and believe that I’m a good person and I’m the only one responsible for how I feel. No one can make me feel a certain way or another. The knee-jerk reaction is to let my mind respond with the usual defense mechanism which is to act in fear ( insert anger, hate, misunderstanding, etc. it all equates to fear) but this never works. Why? Fear originates in the mind and fear controls. Yet you might also be thinking fear keeps us safe but what it really prevents us from doing is living. Think about that the next time you are afraid to do something. Ask yourself why you are afraid…and ask from your heart. See if you are even capable of doing this…have you evolved enough to think beyond your mind to think with your soul?

Advertisements

Can I Turn Back Time?

Today is a day of sadness and a big whopping headache. Maybe I brought it on myself or at least partially because I always feel it takes two to tango. Last night when I was resting comfortable at my kitchen table daughter #2 entered the room and proceeded to make a bunch of noise and a mess like she often does. I asked her to be quiet because her grandfather was sleeping and I didn’t want him to wake up and I could hear him stirring already. Now, how is that a big request? Just be quiet for the life of me. No, she has to keep banging pots and pans and talking loudly and complaining. I told her again to please be quiet that she should appreciate what she has here in her grandfather’s house. (previously that evening she had said ” why don’t you just die already” to her grandfather) So, I was feeling ticked off as it was. Her lack of respect for the elderly and the fact that she doesn’t care about anyone except herself and she wants to just stand there and push my buttons makes my blood boil. Next she tells me how pathetic I am and how I’ll be begging for her to stay when she leaves and I’ll be crying. At this point I am really mad and just want wish she was smaller I would have taken her over my knee and spanked her. Spoiled brat! All this time she is getting louder and I finally said hey will you be quiet and shit the F*K up and she says to me if I have to be quiet then you shut the F*k up too. You know, she thinks I am nothing and has no respect for me and that really pushed me for a loop. And I got up and walked over to her and said, “Hey” and pushed her on the shoulder. (bad thing to do, I know) She immediately yelled not to hit her and then started beating the crap out of me. Punched me in the chest numerous times, broke my glasses, just punched me all over. The girl can fight and bench presses at the gym so she’s not a weakling. I was determined not to back down though and tried to hold on to her arms and hands but she got the better of me. If you’ve read my blog in the earlier parts back in February I think you’ll read that she beat me up back then too but that was unprovoked. Last night I blame myself. I shouldn’t have pushed her. No matter how mad I was, I should have walked away. I don’t know why I didn’t. It ended up with me kicking her out of the house. This is the thing that has saddened me more than anything. I have thought of doing this many, many times because she has been such a difficult child to raise but I never ever thought I would. Last night broke something inside me and I had enough of tip toeing around her. We’re all tired of being bit players in her demented fantasy world.

She ended up going to a friend’s house and even then she said they were looking for an apartment. My daughter has no job, nor ever had one. I don’t know how she’ll get an apartment with no job. I saw my therapist today and she suggested sort of an intervention where I leave the door open for her but with rules she must follow. That might work but I would need to have a third party along to mediate any conversation because daughter #2 won’t listen to me. All in all, I wish this had never happened but I hope I can learn from it and it maybe too much to ask if something positive comes from it.

As for my 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge….today is easy, it is SAD FACE.  A coincident or what?

SAD FACE

Nothing to Say

 

 

 

I came home to find you sitting in the corner.
You didn’t say a word to me.
Had I done something wrong for the silence to greet me.
The rain fell like tiny crystals all about. It fell outside the window and outside my heart. Yet the coldness had not invaded my soul.  I wondered how much more I could stand of this loneliness that you brought me.
Not speaking, no laughing, nothing to say that I mattered. Maybe I didn’t matter. Maybe none of this mattered. Was any of it real. Am I fooling myself to believe that it’s real. Am I even awake?  What if I’ve been sleeping the whole time and it’s not even happened? What will I find when I awaken? WHO ARE YOU? Does any of it even matter? Will I ever know if it is real or an illusion? When all about seems like it is failing I can fall into an abyss and wake up on the other side, a side that is filled with everything that is right. A side with No Mental Illness, no illness at all. Maybe I will be not so transparent to the world and people will see me. My words will be meaningful. Their contents not so translucent. Will a time exist when we are important? We’re important because we love. We love more than others and are not so judgemental. We care because we recognize ourselves in all that is good and so we can go on, as ONE.

Normal?

I’m the same as you
when I wake I open my eyes
I use a toilet too
just like you

I eat food to nourish my body
maybe not the same
that makes your taste buds ignite but
the system functions the same

There are times when I’m not the same
I see things differently
I feel screams inside me
my body feels every sound that passes
by my ears
My lungs are squeezed for air like two arms
wrapped around them
My soul feels pain for every soul that hurts
even though it knows not who they are nor where
Other times it doesn’t care, feels like a zombie and
is unaware, a bomb could ignite and not care if I lay dying.

Good….I needed that pain and the searing agony,
deserve the people’s stares….they look on unaware that I am special, for all they care I could be God but they’re too busy to really know the answer. Too busy to really know the truth. Too busy to really know I know. To busy to know I have dropped down and destroyed all I worked so hard for, now back to the beginning  to START once again. I ask the question….does it end?  When? When does this really ever end? Or does it ever really end? I wonder.

Do You Need a Place to Hide?

falling out of my box

THIS IS FOR YOU DOTTY

WHEN YOU NEED A PLACE TO HIDE

CAUSE THE WORLD TO YOU HAS LIED

WANT TO KEEP YOURSELF OUT OF LIGHT

BUT YOUR COLLECTION’S TAKEN THE EXTRA SIGHT

THE LOFT IS REALLY NO GOOD

CAUSE THERE’S A MANIAC THERE EATING YOUR FOOD

WELL, I’VE GOT A SILLY PLAN FOR YOU

SEE WHAT  KEPT ME FROM DRINKING THE BOOZE

A PLAIN CARDBOARD BOX

I SIT IN IT AND SOMETIME IT ROCKS

BUT YOU CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE

I FELL OVER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR

IT’S GOOD I KNOW HOW TO LAUGH

CAUSE IT REALLY HURT MY ASS

I’D GIVE YOU MY BOX TO USE

BUT THEN I’D NEED ANOTHER SO I DON’T LOSE

MY MIND AND GO BACK TO THE BOOZE

SO, DOTTY, I’D GIVE YOU MINE

BUT I’D NEED ANOTHER TO MAKE THINGS FINE

SO, IF YOU BUY A BLANKET OR TWO

A HUGE BOX THEY CAN SEND TO YOU

AND A NEW HIDING SPOT YOU’LL HAVE FOUND

HAPPINESS WILL EXIST ALL AROUND

THE END

It’s My Birthday

Today is my 48th birthday and I am spending it the same way I spend every Monday. That is nothing unusual for people our age because middle age is supposed to be that way. I won’t be having a cake unless I want it made out of a potato because of my IBS but I got used to that four years ago when the disease really took over my life in earnest. I’m happy today though. It didn’t start out that way. I woke up too early needing the toilet like always because my daughter was eating her breakfast at four in the morning, banging and crashing about the kitchen. I went back to sleep to wake up again to the dog pushing the doggy gate down so he could get out of the kitchen. At that point I had to wee again (thanks menopause!) but my daughter was in the toilet and we have only one bathroom. So, I decided I would just give up on sleeping and distract myself until she got out of the bathroom. She reminded me it was my birthday and gave me a drawing of a rose that she had made. It was very nice of her. I like it when my daughters make me presents. Neither one has a job anyways and handmade gifts mean more to me. My younger daughter has been taking a drawing class in college that she really dislikes because the teacher is so strict but she has learned quite a lot. The drawing she gave me was very good considering she had never attempted to draw anything other than fashion models in the past. I also received many greetings from my friends on facebook and this made me feel very happy. So, instead of feeling older and thinking about what I can’t do, I feel really happy about having friends that take the time to say greetings or hello and at least I can eat a potato with a candle in it if I want to!

http://sciencesquad.questacon.edu.au/activities/edible_candle.html

And if you have nothing to do you can make an edible candle from a potato. This was the sort of things I used to do when I homeschooled my kids when they were younger. It would help to lighten up the day. So, I will try to stay happy for the sake of everyone I live with and remember I can always go back to my usual unpredictable bipolar self tomorrow….mwahahahaha. 😈

Monday Daydream

fortune cookie says…….Great minds run in great circles.   
How true, says I of great mind. My mind has been doing just that of late and I know quite a few of you have been doing that also. Our great minds get to thinking and running in hyper speed of some sorts and don’t know what to do with ourselves and soon we are just running in great circles getting no where. Very frustrating to say the least. Is it caused by the solar flares? Is it the humidity of the August days of New England? Is it the impending doom of the end of the world upon us? Seriously, I’d like to know why so many of us feel this way. I feel bored but I don’t know why. I have tons of things I could do, many things I could try that are artistic, and there are even a few things I have to do but I want to plop my head down on the table and blow bubbles out of my mouth like a baby. Hmmm…..not good at all. My head feels like the drone of the cicada has invaded it and caused all of the energy to sputter out in a short-circuit. Usually I like Monday because there is good energy in the house and today the weather is less humid and there is a slight breeze so it’s not stifling with heat. So I am daydreaming and staring out the back windows looking through the scenery not even at it. According to the experts daydreaming is good for you. It releases stress and is sort of a form of meditation and it helps us get away. Okay, that I can understand because I do feel trapped here.

So, if I could harness the powers of my daydreams I could accomplish something even if it was just in my own imaginary world. For instance, just now there is that good-looking Italian man who likes to walk around my back yard. I know he’s Italian because of his accent and he sings well. My husband was half Italian and could not sing well at all. It was almost a joke hearing him sing because he could make a dog howl and we all would groan and he would laugh. Well, this shirtless, (yes, he is now wearing no shirt, hahaha,) man is fixing everything I need fixed outside and he is tending to my garden too because he knows how to do everything I need done and he enjoys doing it..there is no complaining from him. He has a nice smile while he works and he likes to sing  and be pleasant. God, this is a daydream! I don’t think I’ve ever in my life met a man like this.

You know, I have to admit by just writing this tiny bit of a very tame fantasy I feel better. This is no 50 Shades of Gray…more like 10 Shades of Mediocre Taupe but maybe daydreaming is worth something and instead of feeling like I was wallowing around like a beached whale on my kitchen table waiting for my dryer to finish I should just continue writing about my fantasy Italian handyman. 😆