A New Week

I’m looking forward to the coming week with a positive attitude and a tiny bit of trepidation. I’m going to be facing a NEW me. A NEWchemical” me. And honestly I’m scared to death but I can feel positive too. I’ve said recently that I’m trying to recreate the old me and even while typing it I realize how silly that sounds. We can’t reclaim an old me because we are constantly growing and changing. So, this week I am attempting to be positive again (I have tried before) and since I am minus the Risperidone now I want to see what is going to happen to me. I decided I wasn’t going to wait a whole month to see my P-doc before some changes take place. So, the last few days I tapered off my pills and stopped them last night. I didn’t sleep well though. It’s probably a reversal of when I first started taking them and they gave me insomnia. I just want to reconnect with myself again and instead of thinking I’m crazy and making a big mistake which is some of the negative chatter in my  mind, I just want to get back to the original two drugs I had been on so long, the Topamax and the Depakote. Those are my base line drugs and I can work from there again.

Yet, there are two sides fighting right now. I’m not really sure what I am doing nor why I am doing it. I have an idea that I want to go off of these medications because I gained weight and I was unhappy but I’m scared too. I’m afraid of myself and what I have become in the last year and a half. I’m definitely not the person I used to be. I used to be the decision maker all of the time. I was a strong person, confident to the point of being crazy. If someone messed with me I was convinced I could take on that person and three more. Now I dread all decisions and barely want to go outside anymore. I used to go hiking by myself every weekend, take my camera and do my photography. Now I only go out if a relative takes me out. I hate to be alone. I want to be the person I used to be again. It’s as if I am afraid of feeling emotions and if I stay in my house locked up I won’t feel anything. If I go out alone, then I only hear my own voice and my own sadness. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I want to be happy again and move on but I am stuck in the past.

So, I want to try to convince myself that tomorrow and the day after that, etc. will be a good day. I have to try. Of course I will have set backs but I have to think forward to something good and not feel that I can’t do it. I am a strong person. I have proven that. I remind myself that outside influences, like my father’s behavior (which he can’t help) will not deter me from being happy. The never-ending darkness of the afternoon sky WILL NOT depress me nor the cloudy days because the sun hides behind the clouds, it is not gone only hidden. Just remember to not listen to the noise in my head when the days are bad and I should be fine. Everything should turn out okay. Tomorrow will be a perfect Monday.

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Maybe

questions

I’m not doing well. I have to force myself to get through each day. If you know what that feels like you know that it really tears at you. If you don’t, then I hope you never do.  It’s an ache that won’t go away, that spreads from my brain to my heart. I know if I do anything , even this typing until it passes, then I will have made it for this moment and I will just hang on until the next one comes. I want so badly to not have the next one come though. Maybe I need to go back on my Sertraline. Maybe I shouldn’t have come out of the fog I was in. There are too many maybes. Maybe I should try another medication, something different. I’m scared that there is nothing that will help me and I will feel like this always. I don’t know what I’d do. I wanted so badly to be off some of these medications and have some control of my life like before. Maybe I should take “BEFORE” and have a formal banishment from my mind. Can one do that? I don’t think so. I keep thinking of the past and how good it was. But a voice chimes in…”if it was so good, why did you drink?”  (shut up voice) Maybe this is a test to see if I can handle adversity. To this point I have been able to handle anything laid before me, obviously. I am still here kicking. So, why does my pea-brain like to derail and get all weepy and psychotic on me??   Well, I suppose because I am weepy (menopausal and grieving) and psychotic.   **BIG SIGH **    I have come to the conclusion that I am still depressed though and maybe I should still be on some kind of antidepressant or have my other medications tweaked.

Too bad my pdoc is out of town for awhile and I won’t be seeing him until mid-January. It’s always like that, isn’t it. Well, I suppose I could play around with them myself but I stopped doing that awhile ago. I know I could go back on the Sertraline but that seems like I failed if I do. Excuse me while I stand here and beat myself with a stick….ouch* ooch* ouch*…. That’s another thing I wonder a lot about, where does this propensity to suffer come from. Why do I always feel like I should do without? Is this something that we all tend to do or is it another way of hurting myself? At least by writing I’m feeling better. So, if there are lots of ridiculous and meaningless posts it’s only because I’m trying not to go off the deep end, bear with me, thanks. And if you’re suffering from depression and your meds work, what are you taking (if they don’t put you in a fog). I’ve considered trying Wellbutrin because I haven’t tried that in 19 years. Supposedly it acts as a stimulant so gaining weight isn’t as common as other meds. I’m not sure I even care now though. I think I’d rather be overweight and feel sane than skinny and anxiously manic. Then again…..will anything MAKE me happy or am I just looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Hanging in There

I was going to title today’s post Stable but after looking up the definition of stable I realized I wasn’t. This is what Merriam-Webster says about “stable” (I will only talk about the adjective):

1.
a : firmly established : fixed, steadfast <stable opinions>

b : not changing or fluctuating : unvarying <in stable condition>

c : permanent, enduring <stable civilizations>

2.
a : steady in purpose :firm in resolution

b : not subject to insecurity or emotional illness : sane, rational <a stable personality>

3.
a (1) : placed so as to resist forces tending to cause motion or change of motion (2) :designed so as to develop forces that restore the original condition when disturbed from a condition of equilibrium or steady motion

b (1) : not readily altering in chemical makeup or physical state <stable emulsions> (2) : not spontaneously radioactive

As you can see I am definitely not firmly established since I am constantly adding meds and in this case taking them away. Therefore I am changing and fluctuating.
Sometimes I’m steady in purpose but that usually involves heading for the toilet. And for being not subject to insecurities or emotional illness, HA! Well, that just puts an end to that, doesn’t it.
We all know my chemical makeup is in a constant state of flux. Gee, I just hope I’m not radioactive to top it off. I’ve been warned about standing in front of the microwave oven door too many times, you know. So, ‘STABLE’ was not the proper choice for a post title after all. Instead I’ve going with ‘Hanging in There’.  (minus the rope)

Things are good, not bad, pretty good, not 100% but okay. I don’t want to get excited because mania is not good for me right now. Going off the Sertraline was an interesting decision. I don’t think it was bad. I’ve been experiencing some weird physical symptoms. Things like: electrical pulses across my brain (that’s what it feels like), chills, muscle aches, slight mania, hearing what sounds like the inside of a seashell when you hold it up to your ear, hearing voices, laughter, screaming, etc, etc, etc. But…the BIG BUT is I also stopped drinking when I stopped taking the Sertraline. So, is this withdrawal from alcohol or SSRI discontinuation syndrome or a combination of both.

SSRI discontinuation syndrome has symptoms described as (according to Wickipedia) : “brain zaps”, “brain shocks”, “brain shivers”, “head shocks”, or “cranial zings” are withdrawal symptoms experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs. These result from a global downregulation of serotonin in response to increased levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft, but the specific mechanism through which this creates symptoms is not understood. Common responses to dose reduction or cessation include dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares, and vertigo.

I have the brain shivers and mild nausea that comes and goes and is barely noticeable. My sleeping isn’t bad but I stay up reading until I am tired and then wake up a lot anyway. I drink so much water and coffee throughout the day that trips to the toilet are a necessity unless I want to wear a diaper to bed. No Thank you. Hmm…confusion, that’s an everyday thing and I blame that on menopause, so I can’t tell the difference.

The positive thing that I like about being off of Sertraline is I no longer feel like I have no will to do anything. Before, I could perform my basic daily requirements of housework and beyond that it was difficult to even think about doing more. Now I make a list and try to do it all. This weekend I accomplished quite a few jobs and still treated myself to some fun time. That is what I want more than anything is to say, Hey….you deserve to go out and hike in the forest again and enjoy it like you used to. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have stopped doing that. Yet here I am, sitting in the house on weekends. I have to set some goals to go for a few hours first. I have a place in mind for the next sunny weekend. I’m not sure if it’s going to storm this coming weekend but if it’s sunny I know where I’m going. I know the trail and I’m going to make myself go regardless of the cold. JUST. TO. SEE. WHAT. HAPPENS.

Then I can make more plans. I have to start. Wish me luck.

Sunday Night Blah

I lost my post from Saturday night. I don’t know what happened to it but after writing it I proceeded to add the photo and the posting got lost somehow. I couldn’t even find it in draft either. It makes me wonder if I actually wrote it at all. I actually wonder about those things. Maybe I only imagined those things. Anyway, today was a half wasted day. I didn’t run any marathons, I didn’t write any books, (actually, between you and me and the lamp post….I have started to write a book, back two years ago but it was erotica, so I only went so far….I have the idea for the book and started writing the good parts and filling in pieces, but I haven’t written in a long time) and I didn’t host any elaborate state dinners. I got up early and took care of the dog and then went back to sleep. WOW! I accomplished so much! Then I cut the grass and went shopping for leaf bags and got stopped by a policeman. Oh joy! I need to stop walking through life on auto-pilot as this seems to attract policemen. He parked right next to me at the store and normally that makes me wicked paranoid but this time I could care less. Perhaps I cared I bit too little. He happened to come out at the same time I did and follow me exactly the way I drove even though I take an alternate route. None of this raised any red flags, in fact I saw him in my rear view mirror and all my brain said was, “Get Out Of My Way! ” next thing I know is the policeman turns his flashers on and pulls me over. Luckily he was a lazy guy and didn’t feel like getting out of his car because he just pulled it up next to mine and spoke to me through the open window. Seems he didn’t like that I forgot to use my turn signal. Normally I do but today for some reason I forgot. Maybe because I was being tailed by a policeman and it distracted me. He wanted to know if I knew it was the law and yes, I said I did and yes, sir, I was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. Anything not to get a ticket since it would be a moving violation and would appear on my auto insurance and it’s not REALLY an infraction….give me a break. I didn’t run a red light. Lucky for me, he just wanted to do the authority schtick and off he went, making left and right turns without a turn signal.

So, my trip to get light bulbs and leaf bags could have turned into a hefty ticket and a surcharge on my auto insurance all because I didn’t use my blinker. Maybe my Sunday should have been more boring than it was. I was just trying to do something productive officer, really……..only rake leaves.

The rest of my evening has been spent being called names by my Dad. Let’s see I am a guy that is a ‘wise guy’, a ‘smart aleck’, a ‘son-of-a-bitch’, ….he wants to know what I have done with the baby that doesn’t exist. His dementia is really bad tonight and he tends to take it out on me the most since I spend the most time with him. Honestly, I feel bad for him. I wish I could make his life better but realistically he lived 90 fruitful years before this happened to him. So, to have the past five be downhill how can I complain. Longevity runs in the family too, so I wonder how long this will last. How long will I last caring for him before I really lose it? And who will do it if I can’t ?

Speak Your Mind

I have a problem speaking  up when I ask for help.  And then when I do I don’t want to seem as if I am being picky about it so I just take what I get. I asked for help from my p-doc regarding my medication because I was rapid cycling and it was very uncomfortable being me. I had been drinking previously and didn’t want to start relying on that again so I asked him if there was something left out of all the medications I’ve tried that would work that wouldn’t make me gain weight. (that is the clincher because we all know that most of them do). First he misunderstood me and thought I was still heavily drinking and wanted me to take this pill for drinkers, which I refuse to take. I told him I was manic but he said I must be depressed because I described depressed symptoms: not wanting to get up, eating too much,  not wanting to live, etc, etc. He wanted to know why I won’t take some more Depakote. And then my mind left me hanging there with no answer. I couldn’t tell him why not. All I could think of was why I stopped taking the higher dosage five years ago. Depakote made me have liver pains and esophageal spasms then but all I could think to say on the phone was, okay I’ll try it again. He told me to take the extended release pill and cut it in half and take one and a half. The important thing about Depakote is that I have to take name brand and not generic. I will have a seizure on the generic. Today I’m worried that cutting it in half and exposing the extended release will destroy it and screw me all up. But, you know I won’t say a thing until I have a seizure. This is my problem. I won’t say a thing because I asked for help and now I just have to shut up and take what was offered. I don’t know where this came from, why I have to remain silent so long….maybe it won’t happen and I can just forget about it.

Minus One but for How Long

Today continues the drama of my family life with daughter #2 who walked out the other night after I told her she was no longer welcome to stay. I decided to send her a text message avoiding a phone call because she doesn’t like to listen to me when I talk. Besides I didn’t have much to say anyway. I let her know that IF she chose to return she could never talk to her grandfather like that again and she would need to be quiet when he was asleep at night. I don’t think I am asking much. I don’t ask for chores, I don’t ask for rent, I don’t ask for anything else from her. I pay for her college incidentals and co-pays on her health insurance and giver her money when ever she asks. And I drive her every chance I get. Well, now that this is all ending. I honestly feel some happiness. I don’t feel sadness anymore. I feel sad that we fought the other night and I still have the bruises to show for it. My dream world would like for it to be a different way but I don’t control my dream world nor the real world either. She answered my text saying she was moving out but would come and get some of her stuff. So, maybe she needs to do this and it is for the best. The world has always been something that she has needed and wanted. She has never wanted to be at home and have any authority over her. She had counted the days until she turned 18 and now she is 19, so I cannot stand in her way. At least she knows she has a place to stay but if she insists it be her way then she needs to grow up. I wish her luck in the outside world. I have my hands full as it is with my father and I wish she could have understood that. Too bad it turned out this way.

 

Can I Turn Back Time?

Today is a day of sadness and a big whopping headache. Maybe I brought it on myself or at least partially because I always feel it takes two to tango. Last night when I was resting comfortable at my kitchen table daughter #2 entered the room and proceeded to make a bunch of noise and a mess like she often does. I asked her to be quiet because her grandfather was sleeping and I didn’t want him to wake up and I could hear him stirring already. Now, how is that a big request? Just be quiet for the life of me. No, she has to keep banging pots and pans and talking loudly and complaining. I told her again to please be quiet that she should appreciate what she has here in her grandfather’s house. (previously that evening she had said ” why don’t you just die already” to her grandfather) So, I was feeling ticked off as it was. Her lack of respect for the elderly and the fact that she doesn’t care about anyone except herself and she wants to just stand there and push my buttons makes my blood boil. Next she tells me how pathetic I am and how I’ll be begging for her to stay when she leaves and I’ll be crying. At this point I am really mad and just want wish she was smaller I would have taken her over my knee and spanked her. Spoiled brat! All this time she is getting louder and I finally said hey will you be quiet and shit the F*K up and she says to me if I have to be quiet then you shut the F*k up too. You know, she thinks I am nothing and has no respect for me and that really pushed me for a loop. And I got up and walked over to her and said, “Hey” and pushed her on the shoulder. (bad thing to do, I know) She immediately yelled not to hit her and then started beating the crap out of me. Punched me in the chest numerous times, broke my glasses, just punched me all over. The girl can fight and bench presses at the gym so she’s not a weakling. I was determined not to back down though and tried to hold on to her arms and hands but she got the better of me. If you’ve read my blog in the earlier parts back in February I think you’ll read that she beat me up back then too but that was unprovoked. Last night I blame myself. I shouldn’t have pushed her. No matter how mad I was, I should have walked away. I don’t know why I didn’t. It ended up with me kicking her out of the house. This is the thing that has saddened me more than anything. I have thought of doing this many, many times because she has been such a difficult child to raise but I never ever thought I would. Last night broke something inside me and I had enough of tip toeing around her. We’re all tired of being bit players in her demented fantasy world.

She ended up going to a friend’s house and even then she said they were looking for an apartment. My daughter has no job, nor ever had one. I don’t know how she’ll get an apartment with no job. I saw my therapist today and she suggested sort of an intervention where I leave the door open for her but with rules she must follow. That might work but I would need to have a third party along to mediate any conversation because daughter #2 won’t listen to me. All in all, I wish this had never happened but I hope I can learn from it and it maybe too much to ask if something positive comes from it.

As for my 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge….today is easy, it is SAD FACE.  A coincident or what?

SAD FACE