I’m looking forward to the coming week with a positive attitude and a tiny bit of trepidation. I’m going to be facing a NEW me. A NEW “chemical” me. And honestly I’m scared to death but I can feel positive too. I’ve said recently that I’m trying to recreate the old me and even while typing it I realize how silly that sounds. We can’t reclaim an old me because we are constantly growing and changing. So, this week I am attempting to be positive again (I have tried before) and since I am minus the Risperidone now I want to see what is going to happen to me. I decided I wasn’t going to wait a whole month to see my P-doc before some changes take place. So, the last few days I tapered off my pills and stopped them last night. I didn’t sleep well though. It’s probably a reversal of when I first started taking them and they gave me insomnia. I just want to reconnect with myself again and instead of thinking I’m crazy and making a big mistake which is some of the negative chatter in my mind, I just want to get back to the original two drugs I had been on so long, the Topamax and the Depakote. Those are my base line drugs and I can work from there again.
Yet, there are two sides fighting right now. I’m not really sure what I am doing nor why I am doing it. I have an idea that I want to go off of these medications because I gained weight and I was unhappy but I’m scared too. I’m afraid of myself and what I have become in the last year and a half. I’m definitely not the person I used to be. I used to be the decision maker all of the time. I was a strong person, confident to the point of being crazy. If someone messed with me I was convinced I could take on that person and three more. Now I dread all decisions and barely want to go outside anymore. I used to go hiking by myself every weekend, take my camera and do my photography. Now I only go out if a relative takes me out. I hate to be alone. I want to be the person I used to be again. It’s as if I am afraid of feeling emotions and if I stay in my house locked up I won’t feel anything. If I go out alone, then I only hear my own voice and my own sadness. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I want to be happy again and move on but I am stuck in the past.
So, I want to try to convince myself that tomorrow and the day after that, etc. will be a good day. I have to try. Of course I will have set backs but I have to think forward to something good and not feel that I can’t do it. I am a strong person. I have proven that. I remind myself that outside influences, like my father’s behavior (which he can’t help) will not deter me from being happy. The never-ending darkness of the afternoon sky WILL NOT depress me nor the cloudy days because the sun hides behind the clouds, it is not gone only hidden. Just remember to not listen to the noise in my head when the days are bad and I should be fine. Everything should turn out okay. Tomorrow will be a perfect Monday.