I’m losing my mind today. My bipolar brain is tearing around bouncing off the walls and getting me very irritated. This is not a fun mania. This is just plain being annoyed, irritated, feeling every muscle tense, and wanting to run away from here. What am I doing to cause this to happen? I’ve been trying to think positive thoughts and my brain takes them and likes it for a moment, strokes it as if you would pat a dog or cat and then goes right back into its twitching and spasming, slamming all of my good intentions into the wall…just the way I want to slam my head into the wall. I keep telling myself, tomorrow is Friday, tomorrow is Friday, TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!! One more night and I’m free for a bit. Of course I’ll lose my place to sit down in the kitchen because my brother will be there but it feels like I’ll be able to let my guard down. Please let me have a good night. I’m hoping and praying my brain doesn’t derail like it is now. Last weekend I almost started drinking again. That is always a danger for me on weekends but I’ve been good so far. I’m not going to worry about it now. But I do need to plan activities to keep myself as busy as normal because as they say ‘idle hands make the devils work’ and I don’t need to have that involve drinking again. I’m going to try to calm my brain down with some reading if I can concentrate long enough. Hope you all have a good night.
I don’t write often enough in my blog. I seem to be suffering from a brain that is finding it hard to formulate words and ideas as of late. Every day that I wake up I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. So, I sit and stare a lot or I repeat the same motions over and over and over. For instance, I’ll check my email to see if anything new has arrived. I don’t get overly excited as if I am being OCD about it I just have nothing better to do within my little prison. You do know I live in somewhat of a prison, don’t you? I could say it’s my mind which does act like a prison on bad days but I’m referring to my life as I am living it now. I like to consider it a chapter in book. This chapter is very long, in fact it may even be considered a section of a book of life. I don’t know when it will end nor how it will end nor am I writing my life. (although I argue with that thought on occasion because in fact I could be writing it partially)
I used to be self-sufficient. I was a landlord and owned a two-family home for 1o years. I owned my own commercial cleaning business for ten years too. I held it all together and worked very hard each day. I would feed off of my manic episodes having no idea that I was bipolar just thinking I had lots of energy and I made good use of it. I was diagnosed with depression since I was 13 and was considered a troubled child and even left school but I was trying to make something of myself on my own with my husband. Throughout those years of hard work I always considered myself blessed and lucky regardless of the heartache that came (my brother died when I was 23 / he was only 32) ; my husband got electrocuted at work and was considered saved and a rarity not to have been killed even though the electricity tore through his arms. I also started to develop more of the symptoms of being out of control. I had been a self-harmer since teen years and that got worse. Every few years I would cut myself and require stitches. My primary doctor gave me an anti-depressant figuring it was all just depression and it caused full-blown mania. I was driving through red lights, staying awake night after night, scaring people at my job, and running around my neighborhood. I finally checked myself into the hospital because something deep inside me knew that I was teetering too close to the danger zone and I would hurt someone and I can only thank God for leading me to the right place. I was admitted and removed from the antidepressants and set up with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after discussing all the symptoms I had exhibited. For the first time I felt as if someone was listening and was finally hearing me. For years it seemed no one had been. Previous doctors always dismissed what I had to say.
So, that was my beginning. My diagnosis. I was 30 at the time and I am 48 now. Back then I tried a few different drugs, Lithium, is always the first one. Yuck, hated it. Wouldn’t use it. But I used Depakote and have been on that for 18 years, give or take some time. I’ve gone through my rebellious stages of not taking my pills and when I go off of Depakote I get seizures. But I had these seizures before, Depakote just helps control them. So, I stick with that. Also, Depakote controlled my urges to cut myself. It was the only thing to work for me. I never understood where those urges came from either. But that pill made it stop. The only time since then that I’ve self-harmed is when I was drinking and started taking Ativan after my husband died and I was on a bad, bad, downward spiral. Otherwise nothing.
I’m having a hard time figuring where I’m going with this. That’s what’s wrong with my brain now. I stop and my brain just quits on me as if it just wants to float on the clear blue sea and not be bothered with anyone or anything. I can’t spend my life doing nothing. That’s what bothers me the most here. I’m stuck here until whenever. I can’t leave because of my Dad. No one else is here but me myself, and I. There’s my Dad but he can’t talk and make sense any more. Even the dog sleeps all day because he’s old. No wonder I look forward to the laundry. But I’ve already done the laundry, cooked the evening meal, done the dishes, made the beds, all of the stuff there is to do….so now I’m like a plane waiting for take off but there’s nowhere to go. AAAGGHH…….I’m tired of waiting.
Sorry for this stupid posting.
Just because today is Friday I am in a better mood than normal. I like Fridays. I also like Mondays but that’s for another post. Fridays mean the end of the week, not that my week actually ends but it means I can sleep upstairs tonight. I can sleep in a room all by myself like a big girl. I can stay up as late as I want. I can go outside if I want. I can go for a ride in my car or see a movie if I want to waste my money. I can paint a watercolor of lemons if I want. I can watch TV without hearing Mumma like last night. By the way, that was my father calling me Mumma last night. Fridays are fabulous and wonderful and spectacular and fantastic and super….unless they’re not of course. But, it’s going to be because I am going to WILL it to be because I WANT it to be and no daughter is going to beat me up and no daughter is going to have a drama festival because my good friend Carla said it best, “Arguing with a fool only proves that there are two.” Well said Carla and so true. So, tonight I am going to listen first and let everyone’s words churn about in my manic pea brain and then slowly drain away. I will not respond to any button pushing instead I might do floor exercises until my legs ache. That will get rid of ten minutes because my legs have been shaking since yesterday and throughout the night. In fact they woke me up whenever I started to fall asleep. If it’s not raining I’ll take a walk too. Our weather is going to get cold for October so hopefully it doesn’t rain to make the walks slick. I don’t want to fall at night. But, in any case it will be a good Friday and I will make yours good too. I am willing it upon you. A FRIDAY OF GOOD TIMES FOR YOU.
Now continuing my 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge. Today is Day 6 and that is BAD ODOR FACE. Oh goody.
Living in a house with an old dog and an old father that will be a hard one….LOL
By the way, in the USA, today is also Red Shirt Fridays. The mission of redshirtfridays.org is to show support for our servicemen and women. They are not a political organization. They do not care whether or not one supports or does not support the war. They care only about making our support of our servicemen and women known to our fellow Americans and the world. They want to let our servicemen and women know we support their sacrifice and we will not forget them and we will do this by wearing red on every Friday.
So, I’m wearing my Red Sox sweatshirt cause it’s cold and in support of all the servicemen and servicewomen. Come Home Safely!
Today continues the drama of my family life with daughter #2 who walked out the other night after I told her she was no longer welcome to stay. I decided to send her a text message avoiding a phone call because she doesn’t like to listen to me when I talk. Besides I didn’t have much to say anyway. I let her know that IF she chose to return she could never talk to her grandfather like that again and she would need to be quiet when he was asleep at night. I don’t think I am asking much. I don’t ask for chores, I don’t ask for rent, I don’t ask for anything else from her. I pay for her college incidentals and co-pays on her health insurance and giver her money when ever she asks. And I drive her every chance I get. Well, now that this is all ending. I honestly feel some happiness. I don’t feel sadness anymore. I feel sad that we fought the other night and I still have the bruises to show for it. My dream world would like for it to be a different way but I don’t control my dream world nor the real world either. She answered my text saying she was moving out but would come and get some of her stuff. So, maybe she needs to do this and it is for the best. The world has always been something that she has needed and wanted. She has never wanted to be at home and have any authority over her. She had counted the days until she turned 18 and now she is 19, so I cannot stand in her way. At least she knows she has a place to stay but if she insists it be her way then she needs to grow up. I wish her luck in the outside world. I have my hands full as it is with my father and I wish she could have understood that. Too bad it turned out this way.
Today is a day of sadness and a big whopping headache. Maybe I brought it on myself or at least partially because I always feel it takes two to tango. Last night when I was resting comfortable at my kitchen table daughter #2 entered the room and proceeded to make a bunch of noise and a mess like she often does. I asked her to be quiet because her grandfather was sleeping and I didn’t want him to wake up and I could hear him stirring already. Now, how is that a big request? Just be quiet for the life of me. No, she has to keep banging pots and pans and talking loudly and complaining. I told her again to please be quiet that she should appreciate what she has here in her grandfather’s house. (previously that evening she had said ” why don’t you just die already” to her grandfather) So, I was feeling ticked off as it was. Her lack of respect for the elderly and the fact that she doesn’t care about anyone except herself and she wants to just stand there and push my buttons makes my blood boil. Next she tells me how pathetic I am and how I’ll be begging for her to stay when she leaves and I’ll be crying. At this point I am really mad and just want wish she was smaller I would have taken her over my knee and spanked her. Spoiled brat! All this time she is getting louder and I finally said hey will you be quiet and shit the F*K up and she says to me if I have to be quiet then you shut the F*k up too. You know, she thinks I am nothing and has no respect for me and that really pushed me for a loop. And I got up and walked over to her and said, “Hey” and pushed her on the shoulder. (bad thing to do, I know) She immediately yelled not to hit her and then started beating the crap out of me. Punched me in the chest numerous times, broke my glasses, just punched me all over. The girl can fight and bench presses at the gym so she’s not a weakling. I was determined not to back down though and tried to hold on to her arms and hands but she got the better of me. If you’ve read my blog in the earlier parts back in February I think you’ll read that she beat me up back then too but that was unprovoked. Last night I blame myself. I shouldn’t have pushed her. No matter how mad I was, I should have walked away. I don’t know why I didn’t. It ended up with me kicking her out of the house. This is the thing that has saddened me more than anything. I have thought of doing this many, many times because she has been such a difficult child to raise but I never ever thought I would. Last night broke something inside me and I had enough of tip toeing around her. We’re all tired of being bit players in her demented fantasy world.
She ended up going to a friend’s house and even then she said they were looking for an apartment. My daughter has no job, nor ever had one. I don’t know how she’ll get an apartment with no job. I saw my therapist today and she suggested sort of an intervention where I leave the door open for her but with rules she must follow. That might work but I would need to have a third party along to mediate any conversation because daughter #2 won’t listen to me. All in all, I wish this had never happened but I hope I can learn from it and it maybe too much to ask if something positive comes from it.
As for my 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge….today is easy, it is SAD FACE. A coincident or what?
Do you know what time it is?
Have you any idea?
I’m not sure if I am human, so I’m not worried about the time. My brain has stopped to cease its functionality as it was meant to perform. It only operates at sub-par operational methodology. Why do we exist at all? Why are we here? My younger one is mad at me tonight. What purpose must I serve for her. My medication causes my emotions to cease so I feel no empathy towards her. She is mad=so what. End of story. That is how I feel. This is how they (the doctors) want me, I guess. No emotion….yet, I do have them just not tonight. What is right, what is wrong? Who decides for me? It is me and no one else. I decide that there is no wrong because there is no emotion. No emotion means no morals. How can there be?
I feel NOTHING.
i am numb to all people
I think I’ve finally burned out. I’m tired of taking care of others. Tired of taking pills, tired of doing the work for free, just plain sick and tired of the day-to-day hum-drum. I’m also feeling ashamed of myself for not caring for not having the fight to continue. This has be a constant struggle now for weeks. I’m tired of all of this ever since the water leaked out of the washing machine. I’ve felt like I just can’t take any more of this whole stupid shit. I’m still trying to get that fixed too. Because of the age of the house and the way my Dad plumbed the pipe sixty years ago , the whole thing will have to be pulled out and a new one will have to be put in. I’m terrified of the whole thing. I wanted to have the washer put into the basement never to be seen again but that would cost close to $4000 and run the risk of shattering the main drain because it was so old, something called victory pipe from WWI . All I know is this damn washer will still be in my kitchen and I hate it.I must have been swept away in a flood or a raging torrent because this is scaring the hell out of me.
I also fell off the wagon and went back to drinking. I don’t even care either. I’m so disgusted with the way my life is I just don’t care. I’ll stop when I feel like it or get sick or when the doctor yells at me or something drives me more insane. I don’t know what to say about it. At least I’m not out of control and I’m not drinking to the excess that I was in the summer. I’ve decided to do more reading instead. I have a drink and then relax with some TV or read. I have one of those electronic readers, mine is a Kindle, and after getting a gift certificate for my birthday I got some new books. First I’m reading a free book that came with my new cell phone. I’m reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again. I read it 100 years ago but it’s light escapism is nice to read before going to sleep at night. I like the part of the book when she meets up with the Cheshire Cat and asks for directions away from the madness:
But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: `we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’
`How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.
`You must be,’ said the Cat, `or you wouldn’t have come here.’
That’s how I feel being in this house among my family. I’ll never get better because I’m among them and this situation. I want so badly to get away from this place but I can’t even go away to the mental hospital. I just got this visual of me being a scarecrow with a big pole stuffed up my backside. I’m stuck in a field to scare away the birds. I do my job but it’s lonely and I can’t escape and the others constantly come and pick away at me.