My apologies today. The last few days I have been out of sorts. Yesterday I had trouble talking and writing. Today I have another headache. I have no energy again and am finding it difficult to type the proper letters to compose this. Thank God for spellcheck. I read all of your postings and think you’re the best and so many of you I think we are separated from birth because I feel like I have the same symptoms and have experienced the same experiences. Some of you have had it much worse than I and you know who you are. My heart goes out to you. But honestly, I have read some posts lately that triggered me yesterday and even thinking of them make me cry but I don’t know why. I have no memory of my early childhood with the exception of some flashbacks of screaming and I’ve seen old movies of me acting weird and trying to hide behind a piano. (that makes me laugh for some reason, maybe that was my hiding place. I did like hiding under tents made out of blankets and hiding in closets and also running away) I wonder what I was running away from. I  don’t know except there was lots of yelling. Maybe that’s all there was. I just know I don’t like remembering it and I cry a lot when it starts entering my psyche now. I want it to stay away from me, what ever it is. Anyway, I am in sort of a weird lost place. My meds are only making me feel like a zombie. My pdoc was happy with me from my visit last week though, he said that I was in the best shape he had ever seen me in before. (go figure that one)  Admittedly I was trying to be positive and I took a note of pros and cons with me so I wouldn’t ramble on like I usually do. I asked if I could cut the Risperidone down to 1.5mg instead of 2mg but he suggested I stay at the current dose for six more weeks until our next meeting. I agreed but now wish I hadn’t been so wishy-washy. I just didn’t want to be confrontational. The meds make me too laid back and I have no energy to breathe sometimes. I also explained that I am starting to gain weight from them and he wanted to weigh me. God, no, not that. SO, I had to be weighed by my pdoc. Why not just kill me. You’re talking to someone who used to weigh 250 lbs. I am shaped like a pear, very heavy in the back-end. Blessed with a big bottom. Queen wrote that song, “Fat Bottomed Girls” about me….hahaha…but then IBS reared its head in full force four years ago and forced me into an all out starvation of sorts and now I weigh (according to the doctor) 165 lbs. I have weighed 142 at my lowest and averaged before Risperidone 155 lbs. So, I’ve gained ten pounds on the meds and I suppose drinking gallons of vodka and Kalhua for about seven months didn’t help, did it? Well, I’m upset about the weight because I know I should exercise and the meds make me sluggish. I’m in menopause which doesn’t help too. I’m trying to except my life too and just say things could be worse, they have been, and be thankful for what I have and be positive and start again somewhere. I guess I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. I’m not drowning but I need a plan. I can still stay afloat but I get tired fast, so what do I do? Try to swim for sure, that’s exercise. Lay around on my back and just accept my circumstances and get fatter but try to stay sane and alive? I can’t give up because I have to care for my Dad and clean this stupid place and feed everyone else and I really feel like giving up on that today (not my Dad, he’s helpless) but the house could go to Hell. Is anyone out there having a good day today? I hope so. Even if you’re watching a show. Oh, I did watch a movie on tv this weekend, that was for me and it was a lot of fun. So, I’ll think of that for a while.

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Midnight June 25

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.

Nothing special about the day for me, a Monday and I can look forward to doing laundry and cooking. I actually enjoy doing both but I need to go to sleep. I haven’t slept properly in over a week now. By the way, every word I am typing is spelled incorrectly and if it weren’t for the spell checker this would look like a demented version of an illiterate’s jigsaw puzzle. I have been reduced to being happy if I can accomplish one thing each day. Honestly, one thing. Today, I swept the front walk and took photos of my garden. Taking photos wasn’t work. Sweeping was. I also made my father’s bed . There, I was done for the day. I was going to take a nap but my younger daughter NEEDED to talk to me. She shut the door and needed to talk to me. It was THAT important. I confronted her first. Asking her the questions mothers ask 18 year old daughters, the questions that no one wants to answer. But I did because I knew the answers before asking. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good kid and I’m cool with her. Luckily we have got to a point that we can talk and I giver her privacy and respect. She understands that her mistakes are hers just like mine are mine but we are family and will always be and will help each other if we can. She just needed to talk about a guy that she was “dating”…..she wasn’t comfortable dating him nor anyone and needed to talk about that. I think she just needed to hear herself talk. In any case she felt better and then she asked if I could cook for her. Instead I offered to go out and buy something because I was tired. I bought her and her sister something. I never did get my nap. It’s strange how motherhood doesn’t change whether they’re 19 months or 19 years, I’m still tired and they still come first.

(I wrote this post last night and thought I published it but this morning it turned out it was not there. I think the lack of sleep is starting to effect me….hmmm…it’s possible..no?)

I’ve Been Saved

That is how I feel. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance and I should not screw things up. My results came back negative. The biopsy was benign and I do not have cancer. I am very relieved and feel very lucky because so many don’t get those results, especially in my neighborhood. Now I feel like I should exercise and lose some weight and take better care of myself. For the last two days I’ve been wondering what would I do if it was cancer and now life can progress like normal but it’s different. For one thing I have pieces of stainless steel in my breast. Those just stay there. I joke that I can morph into super human form at any time….lol. ( Now I know I’m on too many psych drugs.) Oh what the hell, I’m going to just enjoy the happiness until something bad takes it away.
I hope everyone has a Happy Passover that celebrates and a Happy Easter. I’m going to try to live in the moment and remember I’ve been saved.
Love and Peace all.

Needles and Stainless Steel

Today was my appointment for my follow-up mammogram at the hospital. I went March 24 and the results confirmed I needed to be checked again. So, today was the day. Honestly I wasn’t 100% surprised. Many months ago I found a tiny lump on my right breast but upon checking again it was gone and I couldn’t locate it again, so I thought I had been mistaken. It was also at a time when my husband had recently died so we all felt like every illness was cancer. I didn’t want to run into my doctor just to be told “it was my imagination”.
Today the technician told me it was my right breast and, yes, it was the spot I had felt many months ago. I guess I hadn’t imagined it. FUCK! All day long I haven’t said that nor felt of saying it but I just said it now because I have been trying to keep up a strong demeanor. I am afraid not to. After the mammogram a doctor did an ultrasound and confirmed that their was a small mass and thought I should have a needle biopsy to check for cancer. So, I had the biopsy and they placed small stainless steel slivers around the nodule to act as markers if I need to have it surgically removed. That procedure didn’t hurt because they use a numbing agent which felt like a little pinch but I could watch everything on the ultrasound screen. That was weird seeing a needle being stuck into me and every time they injected one of these steel markers it would make a loud click that sounded like a trigger. But I am the type that would rather watch what’s going on than not know because my imagination is worse than reality.
After this procedure I had to have another mammogram to make sure the markers were placed properly and then I could leave. Now I wait for a day or two for the results. It’s a 50/50 chance……cancer or not. Hmmmm…..it’s strange, I always thought if the day came I would react differently but after going through this with my husband where it was so bad, this just doesn’t seem so scary.
Either that or I’m on so many medications my boob could fall off and I wouldn’t notice. You know, I’ll have to thank my doctor for that one next time I see him….LOL.