The Struggle Within

I think I’ve finally burned out. I’m tired of taking care of others. Tired of taking pills, tired of doing the work for free, just plain sick and tired of the day-to-day hum-drum. I’m also feeling ashamed of myself for not caring for not having the fight to continue. This has be a constant struggle now for weeks. I’m tired of all of this ever since the water leaked out of the washing machine. I’ve felt like I just can’t take any more of this whole stupid shit. I’m still trying to get that fixed too. Because of the age of the house and the way my Dad plumbed the pipe sixty years ago , the whole thing will have to be pulled out and a new one will have to be put in. I’m terrified of the whole thing. I wanted to have the washer put into the basement never to be seen again but that would cost close to $4000 and run the risk of shattering the main drain because it was so old, something called victory pipe from WWI . All I know is this damn washer will still be in my kitchen and I hate it.I must have been swept away in a flood or a raging torrent because this is scaring the hell out of me.

I also fell off the wagon and went back to drinking. I don’t even care either. I’m so disgusted with the way my life is I just don’t care. I’ll stop when I feel like it or get sick or when the doctor yells at me or something drives me more insane. I don’t know what to say about it. At least I’m not out of control and I’m not drinking to the excess that I was in the summer. I’ve decided to do more reading instead. I have a drink and then relax with some TV or read. I have one of those electronic readers, mine is a Kindle, and after getting a gift certificate for my birthday I got some new books. First I’m reading a free book that came with my new cell phone. I’m reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again. I read it 100 years ago but it’s light escapism is nice to read before going to sleep at night. I like the part of the book when she meets up with the Cheshire Cat and asks for directions away from the madness:

But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked.

`Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: `we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’

`How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.

`You must be,’ said the Cat, `or you wouldn’t have come here.’

That’s how I feel being in this house among my family. I’ll never get better because I’m among them and this situation. I want so badly to get away from this place but I can’t even go away to the mental hospital. I just got this visual of me being a scarecrow with a big pole stuffed up my backside. I’m stuck in a field to scare away the birds. I do my job but it’s lonely and I can’t escape and the others constantly come and pick away at me.

SHOO….GET AWAY…..YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS…..SHOO……   I JUST WANT A MOMENTS PEACE…..NO RESPONSIBILITY  …..GET AWAY

Everyone thinks you’re doing such a great job and constantly tells you how wonderful you are and then goes away. Meanwhile the flood waters get deeper and you slowly drown.

Water, Water…go away

Yesterday was a terrible walk down memory lane. A day that PTS raged and frankly I was and still am horrified that I physically reacted the way I did.
It began as a normal day for me, washing clothes. This is something that I do every single day in my house. Monday I just had installed a brand new washing machine so I sat nearby with my computer and monitored it because I am still slightly paranoid of the machine’s workings. I’m not used to the sounds it makes and it’s a different brand and is a newer model and it works differently than what I’m used to. Mind you anything that differentiates from the norm in my routine tends to make me anxious and slightly panicky anyway. I was the same way Monday the first time I used it, so this has been all during the week that I’ve been on edge but it’s been ever so slightly tapering off.
Yesterday I’m sitting here and the machine goes into its draining cycle and I hear the distinct sound of dripping and leaking water. My hearing is not perfect and my brain is known to trick me and I know I am paranoid and I paused a moment but I got up and sure enough the machine is leaking water onto the floor from the back drain. OMG….this is such a huge trigger for me because I have been through a washing machine flood before.
When I lived on the third floor apartment when I was newly married my machine’s drain house came off and all of the water came out onto the floor and I walked into the kitchen to find inches of water on the floor. It had gone down into the neighbor’s apartment below me too. I panicked and threw towels onto the floor while the water was pouring out. All of it was totally illogical because a towel would do no good. I should have stuck the hose back onto the machine. But that was years ago, and here I am faced with this IMPENDING DOOM….my brain at least had sense enough this time to shut off the machine, unplug it, shut off the water, move my father, then grab towels if needed. Physically I was sick though and I felt totally out of control. My whole body was shaking, every muscle in my legs and my heart was shaking. I wanted to run away screaming. My response was so out of proportion to what was happening. And when my daughter came downstairs I started crying like someone had died because I couldn’t handle another catastrophe with water again. I wonder if I had drowned in a past life?
Then I called the first plumber in the phone book for an emergency house visit which is very expensive. It took them two hours to get here!! The whole time I thought the machine would start up again on its own and start draining water onto the floor. You know, I’m not a child but when this occurred I’d have believed you if you told me a monster was going to jump out of the machine. I wanted to take a baseball bat and beat it to the floor. I hate them so much.
When the plumber finally got here, he spilled more water onto the floor and then put my clean white towels onto the floor. He told me the drain was plugged and used the snake to try to clean it out but it was too plugged for him to do it. So, he was going to disconnect the pipe under the sink and make a huge mess and stink the house up. But he couldn’t get the pipe disconnected because it was so old and like cement, he said. I had enough and I was emotionally and physically dead. I felt like I was losing my mind and all because of some water. I don’t understand how it can be so powerful in my mind. I’m controlled by something that happened years ago. Thank God I didn’t drink because I sure wanted to yesterday!!
So, I told the plumber to forget it. Go away, I would do something else. I ended up paying him for making a mess and doing nothing productive but trying. I think I’m going to move this washer into my basement because if it leaks down there then I won’t care if there’s water on my basement floor. I feel like I have to get in charge again. Right now I feel like I’m not in control and I need to be. So, even if it costs me more money I’m willing to buy happiness. First, I’ll think about this and try and make some sense…..while washing my clothes at the laundromat.

Bi-posting for the Bipolar or 30 Days of Creativity~ Day 18 Meets Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanks

Today I will attempt the impossible. Or, if after reading my blog you have time and by time I mean lots of time to kill, you could attempt the Impossible Quiz. ‘The Impossible Quiz’ is an entertaining annoying quiz game which I guarantee you will attempt to punish yourself over and over by trying to win. (If there is such a thing.)
I’m going to try to finish up my 30 Days of Creativity and start a new 30 day challenge at the same time. This one is 30 Days of Thanks. Wish me luck!!

Day 18—30 Days of Creativity

Who’s Watching Me

Who’s watching me
while I walk down the street
does anyone care
does anyone see

I used to believe
that everyone could see
every thought and emotion
that came from me

They could feel the tension
and knew my intentions
Wondered why I was there
what I wanted, did I mention?

Some smiled, even nodded,
but it didn’t matter
the panic was too great
the stares felt like they prodded

The world closed in
tightness crushed my skin
Judgement Day had arrived
And living was my sin

My peers had spoken
I didn’t belong
I could tell without words
all along

Stay away, don’t come out
You’re safer that way
No one’s opinion
Is important today

For I live in a new world
without any eyes
Traded it away
to silence my cries

Prisoner of life
but one of my choosing
I laugh at them now
Their world I’m refusing

Here, I’m accepted
for being who I am
fault-filled and broken
I am what I am.

DAY 1-30 DAYS OF THANKS!!

Number 1 is an easy one for me. I give thanks for my children. If not for them I would have had two less reasons to want to live after Nick died. I look at them from a mother’s eyes and can say I did one thing right at least. Even through the ups and downs of parenting when I thought I’d go crazy. The years of homeschooling, which was fun but also made me want to go running and screaming out of my house, were all worth it. They are both well educated and attending college. There is so much to be thankful for.