I’m Not a Victim

I’m not a victim, unless it’s what I choose to be.
Tear out my eyes, so I can no longer see.
Sew up my heart, it’s broken and the pain is real.
But, I’m not a victim, unless I choose to feel.

I’m not a victim, unless my thoughts keep saying so.
Silence them with laughter, seeds that soon will grow.
Replace the tears of sadness with those made of joy.
Cause, I’m not a victim unless I’m just a part of their ploy.

I’m not a victim, unless society wants to say I am.
Media mind control makes sure you watch your nightly program.
Tries to convince you of what is right and what is not.
Yet, I’m not their victim cause I can’t be bought.

They can play their games, try to control your thoughts,
Leave you wondering whose calling the shots.
Remember, my friend, you’re not a victim , unless you choose to be.
Push them away, don’t let them see, you’re not their nominee.
You’re not their victim, unless you choose to be.

Take control, don’t forget.
Don’t be anyone’s marionette.

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July 1973

Flashes here,
Now there.
Wait.
It’s behind you.
Hot and sweaty,
But I have to find where you went.
Holding on tightly to your home.
If I drop it,
All will End.
Shattered on the ground.
Like dreams out of reach
On a far off summer night.
We’re only realizing it doesn’t matter.
Our lives will end soon.
Though holes are punched in the lid,
The air’s too stale to breathe.
Chase the flashing.
Quick!
Before it’s too late.
Firefly.

Pray

Am I going to find a home when I turn the corner?

Am I going to find a family when I open the door?

My flaws are still present, are part of my personality,

ingrained in my make up but not an abnormality.

What’s normal, anyways? We make this up everyday.

I’m perfect, you’re not, is that how it should be?

Should we all wear a  label and then we’d agree?

This reality called life needs some rearranging, maybe we’d see

it’s our thoughts that really need changing.

Like a mythological monster, a story from the past,

carried too far the memory becomes recast.

To one that is far worse, legends become dark and diverse,

Yet, began a story, remember, a tale of yore. Now men teach it to children

in times of war.

Where’s my home when I turn the corner?

It’s gone with all the rhetoric.

It’s gone with the vitriol.

My family is divided, a civil war in the making.

Leave, if you may, alone I will be overtaking!

Past was filled with memories of battles fought exclusively.

Now they can be done foolishly or brutally!

You decide, since it’s your game to play.

Forewarned, my friend, you’ve now become my prey.

Blessings

I don’t feel too bad today. It’s a good day to count my blessings, good expressing that all might not be well but what the Hell, it really doesn’t matter, it’s life or death that’ll grab you yeah…hot one, feel the sweat upon your face but a breeze’s still blowing and I’m left knowing what matters anyways. This time this place, here and now, cataclysmic entity, the up and down. Alcohol’s flowing while the world still spins, for all I know, we’re still friends till the end. Ice and mind melting in the heat of the day but your kind word unleashes and we all fly away. We all are one, time never stops, infinite limitless, deeper than the moral’s of Aesop. I’ll be seeing you, my friend, more times than not. On this hotter than hot summer day of THOUGHT.

Can I Turn Back Time?

Today is a day of sadness and a big whopping headache. Maybe I brought it on myself or at least partially because I always feel it takes two to tango. Last night when I was resting comfortable at my kitchen table daughter #2 entered the room and proceeded to make a bunch of noise and a mess like she often does. I asked her to be quiet because her grandfather was sleeping and I didn’t want him to wake up and I could hear him stirring already. Now, how is that a big request? Just be quiet for the life of me. No, she has to keep banging pots and pans and talking loudly and complaining. I told her again to please be quiet that she should appreciate what she has here in her grandfather’s house. (previously that evening she had said ” why don’t you just die already” to her grandfather) So, I was feeling ticked off as it was. Her lack of respect for the elderly and the fact that she doesn’t care about anyone except herself and she wants to just stand there and push my buttons makes my blood boil. Next she tells me how pathetic I am and how I’ll be begging for her to stay when she leaves and I’ll be crying. At this point I am really mad and just want wish she was smaller I would have taken her over my knee and spanked her. Spoiled brat! All this time she is getting louder and I finally said hey will you be quiet and shit the F*K up and she says to me if I have to be quiet then you shut the F*k up too. You know, she thinks I am nothing and has no respect for me and that really pushed me for a loop. And I got up and walked over to her and said, “Hey” and pushed her on the shoulder. (bad thing to do, I know) She immediately yelled not to hit her and then started beating the crap out of me. Punched me in the chest numerous times, broke my glasses, just punched me all over. The girl can fight and bench presses at the gym so she’s not a weakling. I was determined not to back down though and tried to hold on to her arms and hands but she got the better of me. If you’ve read my blog in the earlier parts back in February I think you’ll read that she beat me up back then too but that was unprovoked. Last night I blame myself. I shouldn’t have pushed her. No matter how mad I was, I should have walked away. I don’t know why I didn’t. It ended up with me kicking her out of the house. This is the thing that has saddened me more than anything. I have thought of doing this many, many times because she has been such a difficult child to raise but I never ever thought I would. Last night broke something inside me and I had enough of tip toeing around her. We’re all tired of being bit players in her demented fantasy world.

She ended up going to a friend’s house and even then she said they were looking for an apartment. My daughter has no job, nor ever had one. I don’t know how she’ll get an apartment with no job. I saw my therapist today and she suggested sort of an intervention where I leave the door open for her but with rules she must follow. That might work but I would need to have a third party along to mediate any conversation because daughter #2 won’t listen to me. All in all, I wish this had never happened but I hope I can learn from it and it maybe too much to ask if something positive comes from it.

As for my 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge….today is easy, it is SAD FACE.  A coincident or what?

SAD FACE

Are we Being Trolled Today?

I thought today was going to be a good day. It started out okay. I was in a good mood. I slept well. My father slept late. The dog slept well with no accidents. The sun was shining too. Fun, fun, fun! I quietly moved about the kitchen for the first two hours because I wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet of the new day without any drama. Then I decided to do the laundry and my father woke up. But it was good because it was late morning and he was in a good mood too. It all seemed more than I could ask for. It was……daughter #1 came shuffling into the kitchen and proceeded to tell me that her computer was dead. She was only using Google when it froze and then the whole hard drive died. Joy, oh joy! I did not react though because the computer wasn’t even one year old and I had a three year warranty on it. So she set up an appointment for the Apple store for the afternoon.

So, I get my father up and go to take the dog outside and while he’s doing his business I happen to look up and there’s a giant bee hive!! It’s one of those paper wasp nests but it’s hanging up there right over my head and wasps are busy flying in and out like cars on a highway. AAAGH!! I hate bee hives, especially ones I’m standing next to or under. This thing was good-sized too so obviously it didn’t just appear overnight. How long have I been standing under this thing? I know my neighbor must be able to see this out her window. I wonder why she didn’t tell me about it too. Normally I eradicate bee hives if they are near my door ways but if these leave me alone then I will leave them alone too. I hope we have a deal. I’m not sure if I can tolerate any more bee stings without having an allergic reaction since I’ve been stung numerous times in my life.

Back to my Dad who’s in the house and now is trying to pull his thumb off and give it to me. He doesn’t quite understand that his digits aren’t coming off. Then again he hallucinates too, so maybe it was something else he was trying to give me. I finally pretended to take his thumb from him and put it in my pocket where upon he immediately forget what he had just done anyways. I wonder at times, is this what I have to look forward to ?……wait a minute….I feel like I’m already there. What with the menopause and the medication I walk around in a stupor, back and forth at times. Today I plugged in the toaster so I could get a drink of water, babbled through most of the sentences I was speaking to my daughter, to the point that I just decided to shut my mouth, and remember this was the GOOD day. Never mind that there were four times the laundry which meant I had to deal with the anxiety of that washing machine four times as much too.

Oh yes, and my dog has fleas. I found that out yesterday and immediately called the vet who gave me a pill called Capstar (or something like that). It’s supposed to kill the little buggers in 30 minutes and all their unborn but then I have to deal with if there are any in the carpet. *BIG SIGH* I can’t complain…..my dog has never had fleas, this is a first for him and he is 11 and only goes out for toileting.  I don’t know how he got them unless from his vet visit recently. How convenient. Come in for a check-up and leave with fleas. But he gets grand mal seizures and was beaten as a puppy (he’s a rescue) so I don’t want to see him suffer even with fleas.

Anyway, continuing the saga of the 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge. Today is Day 2 and it is Happy Face. This is an easy one for me because I can smile even if I am sad but then it is forced but here is a genuine smile. Until tomorrow, hope you all enjoy your day.