Escaping the Pain of Age in the Age of Pain

pee wee

My third life brings many outlooks of which to ponder. Sharp crags I encounter that remind me that even though there is pain at least there is life. My brother faced the end of his experience twice but was not aware of the encounter so the meaning was lost on him. Once again, I walked along the roadside, not the director, just the bit player, randomly making decisions that I convinced myself mattered but in all honesty, it was only to assuage my fears. When he returned home from his near death and everything was as it always was before, I knew this too was a blip in the universe’s grand scheme. Nothing matters at all, least of all, us. When another’s life means nothing to them by the actions they take, I understand less even though I understand more. I realize it’s all a joke. If I have no reason to exist, then there is no reason. It is as simple as that. Surrounded by humans that do not care is very toxic. One can fill their day with chores but it is like treading water and going nowhere. How does one feel the emotion of caring? How does one feel passionate about living again rather than just surviving? Too many questions when it’s probably best to not even think at all. I know it’s just the pain talking and the lack of sleep that comes from it. I guess I’m glad I can recognize the difference but to become passionate again would be nice.

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