I’ve spent the past week lost in suspended animation. I escaped mainly unscathed with the exception of this annoying pain in my head and eye that came on out of the blue. I’m at a loss for words but will still force myself to write to wake up the creativity. Today, I go to see my new Pdoc. It’s our second time meeting. No problems to report, all is well so far. She listens, has a good sense of humor, and actually wanted to talk to me. Today, I have no problems to report with my meds. I’m still taking the same cocktail of drugs I’ve been on since 2013, with the addition or subtraction of risperidone as needed. And, no, I didn’t kill my old Pdoc or bore him to death, he retired. It was kind of weird too, because I always thought he was younger than he was, so I treated him a certain way. When I found out how old he was, I felt bad because I would have treated him with more respect. However, it’s not like I was evil, it’s just that I had some words with him near the end…and I may have behaved differently if I had known his real age. Oh well, too late now. Another person gone from my life probably, never to be seen again. We live in a weird world and I guess none of this matters then anyways.
On a side note, the rain is good for my newly planted herbs and vegs. I’m trying to enjoy the warm summer months with an outdoor activity again and gardening has always been near and dear to my heart. So, with a little help from my brother lifting the bags of soil or moving heavier items, I got the planters done. Now, we’ll see if Mother Nature cooperates in her department and play the waiting game.
I’m not sure if I like reality the way it is or if I like my psychotic states better. Psychotic states can be better is so many ways, such as really not caring to the very core what others are thinking or feeling in their little peanut brains, the soundtrack playing in my head (this can be a positive or a negative), seeing things more clearly and actually understanding society, and more. However, there are negatives also, such as: amnesia, the soundtrack playing in my head, and frustration with society. Sorry, I forgot what I was saying…anyway, it’s so beautiful outside today. I think I’ll smoke a bit and analyze the meaning of life as it appears before me in a cumulus cloud. I’ve really missed the warmer weather, my aging reptilian blood suffered this springtime seeing as it was so cold. Bring on the heat and humidity, it doesn’t bother me. I’ll sit and watch the dragonflies and they’ll watch me. Dragonflies are communicators, spiritual communicators with the worlds beyond. If you are capable of reception you can hear their messages. All you really need to be is quiet on the inside and be aware of details. Instead of rushing on through without time for anything, slow down and appreciate the minute details of where you are. Easier to do on a nice day….there are some gray clouds in the distance but I don’t care. Lightning storms don’t bother me the way they used to. I used to panic pretty badly when a storm was happening but since I take Buspar, nothing bothers me short of a tornado. There’s also the amount of caring that one has regarding their own sense of well-being too….lately, I could just give a shit. I don’t mean that in a depressed kind of way, but in a ‘I’m tired, this has been my 347th life and I’m sick of playing out this scenario’ kind of way. Have a good one.