Up and Down

Each day when I wake up I don’t know how I will feel so I started off this week meaning to be as positive as my mind would allow. Monday wasn’t too bad. Since my brother returned home from work early and started his vacation for the week it gave me the chance to do something for myself.

Studies talk about how nature is good for mental health and is a stress reliever so, after a break in the rain the dim sunlight drew me outside for a walk at the nearby park. I haven’t been there in many months and I was surprised to see how the scenery had changed because of beaver damage to the stream-side trees. My walk continued through the wetlands to see ducks and other birds all of which I felt like I hadn’t seen in many years. Before I knew it I was crying. I was crying because of ducks….crying because I haven’t taken a walk with the ducks in so long and I’m so screwed up. But I continued to walk until I felt better and walked the entire trail. When I returned I felt good and was able to spend the remainder of the day up, feeling somewhat manic but not out of control.

Unfortunately, what goes up must go down. The last two days I have been so far down I don’t know if there’s a bottom. Yesterday was worse than today so I am hoping that tomorrow I’ll feel better. Maybe the pendulum swung so far to the manic side that it had to swing the other way and now it is swinging back. Honestly, yesterday I felt so depressed that I considered overdosing on pills. Suicide is not something I normally fixate on because I am a caregiver but the depression was so bad that I wanted to just go away. I wanted to feel nothing. Then I switched to thoughts of drinking again and decided to go to the liquor store. I figured the vodka would be my friend again and I could just drink everything away. I even walked out the front door but suddenly I stopped. I didn’t want vodka to be my friend again. In fact I didn’t want anyone to be my friend so I went back into the house and just sat there and cried.

Obviously I have made a mistake by going off of my anti-depressant. I never knew it was masking so many emotions. I had wanted to feel something too. I was tired of being in a fog but I can’t live like this.  Experiencing mixed state bipolar disorder is absolutely the worse thing I’ve ever felt. For those who don’t know, a mixed state is when someone feels both depressed and the effects of mania at the same time. I’m not referring to the happy, fun state of mania but the irritable and trapped in a cage feeling of mania. The agitation combined with the depression and crying is wearing at me considerably. And by coming out of a fog I realize that my life really isn’t worth much of anything. I don’t mean to say that I’m not worth something to others but I feel worthless to myself. I feel like I am a caregiver and that’s it. I don’t feel like a mother anymore and I lost my identity as a wife. I feel so empty that I don’t know what to do with myself throughout the day anymore. I’m just a prisoner of my life.

For the time I am existing moment to moment until this passes. I’m trying not to think about what I will do tomorrow or the day after because I find it too depressing. Just trying to hang in there until I can talk to my pdoc and see if I can get on another medication. I’ve given up on ever being anything other than medicated.


11 thoughts on “Up and Down

  1. dmorgan0717 says:

    I feel your pain. I too had a mixed episode today. I think it was the first time. My mania is also irritability, anger, frustration, paranoia., etc… Try to hang in there, all of us bi-polar people know that eventually we will stabilize again. I think what is so depressing is the lack of control we feel over our emotions. We never know when we are going to be up or down. That makes life very hard to handle sometimes. I too feel lost. I no longer feel like the same person anymore. That’s why I’m on wordpress. I’m just trying to figure things out and find myself again.

    Medication is important though. I know taking them everyday sucks and we think we can handle things without them. I took myself off my meds earlier this year. My family noticed the change first. Then I did as well. Although I wish I didn’t have to take them, I will never do that again.

    You are doing the right thing by just taking one day at a time. That’s all we can really do. Try to get stuff done when you are feeling well, but forgive yourself for not being able to get things done when you are down.

    I’m here to talk if you ever need someone. Hope you start to feel better soon!


    • Dorothy says:

      Thanks Danielle. My sister had just told me that she had noticed the difference when I was on the medication and now and said the same thing about the medication because she has to take meds for seizures. Some times we have to do what we don’t want to do. I guess I learned the hard way 😦

  2. NZ Cate says:

    Moment to moment is a pretty good way to handle things Dot. Actually you did so well to fight back the temptation to destroy yourself with either suicide or alcohol, so if you can be proud of yourself. I hope you can see your doctor soon and get back on some meds. One thing that made a difference to me was the day I decided to take my meds regardless. I was convinced they did nothing but decided that just in case I would keep taking them regularly. I’m not saying it was the only thing but I do believe that it helped.

    • Dorothy says:

      Probably the only time I felt a little bit good about myself was the fact that I did turn around and not go to the liquor store. All I thought was I didn’t want that hanging over my head again You’re right about the meds though it just took some experimenting to realize it. Thanks Cate.

  3. unfetteredbs says:

    I am checking in.. and I am glad you are talking it out here on the blog Dorothy. Please keep doing it — I hope it helps. I am praying for you

  4. Morbid Insanity says:

    “I’m just a prisoner of my life.” I use to think about the same. I

  5. Just read this… and all too well understand. I’ve been doing the med dance for 15 years now myself. Even on meds, things spiral. Love the name of your blog, too!

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