I’m not doing well. I have to force myself to get through each day. If you know what that feels like you know that it really tears at you. If you don’t, then I hope you never do.  It’s an ache that won’t go away, that spreads from my brain to my heart. I know if I do anything , even this typing until it passes, then I will have made it for this moment and I will just hang on until the next one comes. I want so badly to not have the next one come though. Maybe I need to go back on my Sertraline. Maybe I shouldn’t have come out of the fog I was in. There are too many maybes. Maybe I should try another medication, something different. I’m scared that there is nothing that will help me and I will feel like this always. I don’t know what I’d do. I wanted so badly to be off some of these medications and have some control of my life like before. Maybe I should take “BEFORE” and have a formal banishment from my mind. Can one do that? I don’t think so. I keep thinking of the past and how good it was. But a voice chimes in…”if it was so good, why did you drink?”  (shut up voice) Maybe this is a test to see if I can handle adversity. To this point I have been able to handle anything laid before me, obviously. I am still here kicking. So, why does my pea-brain like to derail and get all weepy and psychotic on me??   Well, I suppose because I am weepy (menopausal and grieving) and psychotic.   **BIG SIGH **    I have come to the conclusion that I am still depressed though and maybe I should still be on some kind of antidepressant or have my other medications tweaked.

Too bad my pdoc is out of town for awhile and I won’t be seeing him until mid-January. It’s always like that, isn’t it. Well, I suppose I could play around with them myself but I stopped doing that awhile ago. I know I could go back on the Sertraline but that seems like I failed if I do. Excuse me while I stand here and beat myself with a stick….ouch* ooch* ouch*…. That’s another thing I wonder a lot about, where does this propensity to suffer come from. Why do I always feel like I should do without? Is this something that we all tend to do or is it another way of hurting myself? At least by writing I’m feeling better. So, if there are lots of ridiculous and meaningless posts it’s only because I’m trying not to go off the deep end, bear with me, thanks. And if you’re suffering from depression and your meds work, what are you taking (if they don’t put you in a fog). I’ve considered trying Wellbutrin because I haven’t tried that in 19 years. Supposedly it acts as a stimulant so gaining weight isn’t as common as other meds. I’m not sure I even care now though. I think I’d rather be overweight and feel sane than skinny and anxiously manic. Then again…..will anything MAKE me happy or am I just looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?


4 thoughts on “Maybe

  1. lala1966 says:

    You know, I think you are right about what you said about grieving and menopause. You are in the midst of something that any woman would have a very difficult time coping. Maybe you should get an appointment with a gyn and have your hormone levels checked. Since starting on Hormone treatment, it has helped my moods a lot. The difference is very noticable. I take Welbutrin and I don’t think I would ever try anything else. It is the only anti-depressent that didn’t make me numb and fat (the other meds did that). Don’t give up on yourself. Believe it or not, this will not last. I am sure you will always grieve for your husband in your heart a little bit for the rest of your life. But it will get easier.
    It is ok though to write about your feelings when you are down. I will always read them and say a prayer for you. I hope that it gets better soon for you sweety. xx

    • Dorothy says:

      Thank you Carla. That’s good to know I can use all the prayers I can get! I think I’ll ask for the Wellbutrin when he gets back from his little holiday and see what it can do for me because I’ve got to try something. I’m losing it.

  2. unfetteredbs says:

    pressing like to just let you know I’m here, reading and praying for you. Sending my support Dorothy

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