Dec. 1 Loneliness

I was greeted this morning by snow falling. Even though I am full aware of the weather report I wasn’t expecting this. I must have missed it. Normally I could care less. Today I am awash in this loneliness again. I don’t understand ….. let me analyze the situation…..  last year I was adrift in a sea of medications. My consciousness squashed in a jumble of non caring, non feeling and non being. I remember Christmas last year, I barely decorated the house. I put up a string of lights and a small stuffed Christmas tree my mother had made. My brother hung a wreath on the door. That was it. Last year was the first Christmas without my husband and no one wanted to do anything. It felt like a relief to do nothing. Also I started using the holidays as my excuse to drink. So, initially, I felt better in an alcohol induced sort of way.
It’s strange the way those medications work though. They took all my grief and shoved it down into the pit of who knows where and there it stayed. I think that’s why I feel the way I do now. Though I kind of want to punch myself in the head too. I grew up in a house where you were supposed to be quiet and not show emotions. So, when I feel strong emotions internally I feel very uncomfortable. I know it’s best to let them out, have a good cry, but it becomes a very strong internal struggle too. I definitely would like to get over the grieving and not feel the loss but being married for almost 25 years is a long time. And everything just screeched to a halt and in 3 1/2 months he died.
So, now here we are people are getting everything ready for the holidays and I have set up my scrawny tree again. I am looking at the mess that my upside down house has become. I am trying to figure out how to get rid of this lonely feeling, replace it with something else. I am determined to clean things up the best that I can. It’s true that I can’t help that my entire dining room became displaced when my father had to move his bedroom into that room. So, the dining room furniture is now into the living room and there are chairs everywhere. The house looks like a storage warehouse. But I certainly can put books into bookshelves and tidy up the place. No one ever comes by but my siblings but I have to look at it everyday and I need to see it neater. Besides, maybe if I keep my mind occupied I won’t feel as lonely and hopefully my next post will be brighter.


7 thoughts on “Dec. 1 Loneliness

  1. hakesplace says:

    Hello there! Do you have a camera? I have not seen snow in over a decade. Also, to make the organization fun, how about before and after pictures. Not of entire rooms but of little nooks and crannies. For example, if you have a bookshelf but all the books are everywhere but there or it is very disorganzied, take a picture now and then a picture after. Little steps is what worked for me. I’m still in the process. Taking pictures or finding old pictures and sharing them here on WordPress has helped me lots. Let me know what you think.

    • Dorothy says:

      Thanks for the advice. It’s true that little steps are better. I’m trying to look at it that way so I won’t be overwhelmed because it’s so easy to just give up. I did take some before photos to inspire me to post a before and after. I’ll see what I come up with.

  2. lala1966 says:

    Dot, I know it is frustrating when the house is “out of order”. I have been in that situation. I feel so helpless when you feel so lonely. IF you would like my phone number, just email me at ok?

    • Dorothy says:

      Thanks Carla….I am trying my best not to bother anyone but I appreciate the offer. I keep thinking I can beat this. After all we all seem to get it at some point, don’t we?

  3. methenandnow says:

    I am comforted with the concept that time isn’t actually linear. The past, present and future exist side-by-side. Somewhere there is a door and while I’m not able to find it in the present, I imagine that some version of me can. As nutty as it sounds, I’ll close my bedroom door and busy myself with some task and imagine that if I only opened the door that person would be on the other side. I never open the door but it’s comforting to imagine that two inches of wood is the only thing between me and that person. Some days it’s enough.

    • Dorothy says:

      I don’t think it sounds nutty at all. When I am well and able to think properly I have a very deep understanding and belief in what you’ve just said and it is comforting. I haven’t felt like that in many years though. It’s as if the tectonic plates of my psyche had a major shift and caused a massive disturbance and all is off now. Some days, though, I truly feel like I’m not walking in this world.

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