Hanging in There

I was going to title today’s post Stable but after looking up the definition of stable I realized I wasn’t. This is what Merriam-Webster says about “stable” (I will only talk about the adjective):

a : firmly established : fixed, steadfast <stable opinions>

b : not changing or fluctuating : unvarying <in stable condition>

c : permanent, enduring <stable civilizations>

a : steady in purpose :firm in resolution

b : not subject to insecurity or emotional illness : sane, rational <a stable personality>

a (1) : placed so as to resist forces tending to cause motion or change of motion (2) :designed so as to develop forces that restore the original condition when disturbed from a condition of equilibrium or steady motion

b (1) : not readily altering in chemical makeup or physical state <stable emulsions> (2) : not spontaneously radioactive

As you can see I am definitely not firmly established since I am constantly adding meds and in this case taking them away. Therefore I am changing and fluctuating.
Sometimes I’m steady in purpose but that usually involves heading for the toilet. And for being not subject to insecurities or emotional illness, HA! Well, that just puts an end to that, doesn’t it.
We all know my chemical makeup is in a constant state of flux. Gee, I just hope I’m not radioactive to top it off. I’ve been warned about standing in front of the microwave oven door too many times, you know. So, ‘STABLE’ was not the proper choice for a post title after all. Instead I’ve going with ‘Hanging in There’.  (minus the rope)

Things are good, not bad, pretty good, not 100% but okay. I don’t want to get excited because mania is not good for me right now. Going off the Sertraline was an interesting decision. I don’t think it was bad. I’ve been experiencing some weird physical symptoms. Things like: electrical pulses across my brain (that’s what it feels like), chills, muscle aches, slight mania, hearing what sounds like the inside of a seashell when you hold it up to your ear, hearing voices, laughter, screaming, etc, etc, etc. But…the BIG BUT is I also stopped drinking when I stopped taking the Sertraline. So, is this withdrawal from alcohol or SSRI discontinuation syndrome or a combination of both.

SSRI discontinuation syndrome has symptoms described as (according to Wickipedia) : “brain zaps”, “brain shocks”, “brain shivers”, “head shocks”, or “cranial zings” are withdrawal symptoms experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs. These result from a global downregulation of serotonin in response to increased levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft, but the specific mechanism through which this creates symptoms is not understood. Common responses to dose reduction or cessation include dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares, and vertigo.

I have the brain shivers and mild nausea that comes and goes and is barely noticeable. My sleeping isn’t bad but I stay up reading until I am tired and then wake up a lot anyway. I drink so much water and coffee throughout the day that trips to the toilet are a necessity unless I want to wear a diaper to bed. No Thank you. Hmm…confusion, that’s an everyday thing and I blame that on menopause, so I can’t tell the difference.

The positive thing that I like about being off of Sertraline is I no longer feel like I have no will to do anything. Before, I could perform my basic daily requirements of housework and beyond that it was difficult to even think about doing more. Now I make a list and try to do it all. This weekend I accomplished quite a few jobs and still treated myself to some fun time. That is what I want more than anything is to say, Hey….you deserve to go out and hike in the forest again and enjoy it like you used to. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have stopped doing that. Yet here I am, sitting in the house on weekends. I have to set some goals to go for a few hours first. I have a place in mind for the next sunny weekend. I’m not sure if it’s going to storm this coming weekend but if it’s sunny I know where I’m going. I know the trail and I’m going to make myself go regardless of the cold. JUST. TO. SEE. WHAT. HAPPENS.

Then I can make more plans. I have to start. Wish me luck.

4 thoughts on “Hanging in There

  1. lala1966 says:

    I love that you are doing better and “hanging in there”! That makes me feel all happy inside xx

  2. WeeGee says:

    Good luck Dorothy x

    • Dorothy says:

      Thanks WeeGee! I hope things are ‘hanging in there’ and better for you since you’re doing so much more than I am right now. Take care!

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