In my last posting I mentioned briefly about my awakening from the murky depths of the Sertraline haze and how nice that felt. Well, it still feels good but it comes with a little baggage. A symptom that had been hidden is showing itself again. That symptom is anxiety and it likes to show up in the evening. I wondered if it’s because that is when I have a little break in my activities or when the sun sets so early now. ( I really dislike the darkness too). I get this feeling of impending doom and feel incredibly lonely.
I’ve been thinking would it help to get myself more involved in society. At this time I am not involved socially with the “outside” world. I go to stores when I need things but I am not socially active at all. If I do go somewhere, I go alone or I go with a family member. I still have friends from years past but I don’t see them regularly and I really don’t keep in touch with the exception of “liking” their status on Facebook or leaving a comment. So, it leaves me wondering how do I get involved and should I?
I could go somewhere on a weekend but only if I felt like it. Then there’s the decision of where to go and how much time to spend and do I really want to. What if I don’t like them? Although I’m not really that hard to please but I am afraid of getting tongue-tied because I do tend to trip over my words now. Is this just a passing phase because the days are so short and I’m beginning to feel incredibly lonely by myself. It dawned on me today that I really am alone but I’m not sure what that means to me deep inside. On one hand it’s a little scary to have only me as a friend. My brain is known to play tricks. But on the other hand maybe I’m not alone and I just need to reach out and “ask for help” look.
I already feel I’m not alone on a spiritual level just to clear the air but I’m not quite there when it comes to living totally without some kind of companionship.
I’m not even thinking about the future in regards to finding a future boyfriend/soulmate (whatever he would be called at my age). I don’t feel the draw towards that at all right now. I believe that will happen spontaneously or not at all. I don’t have the type of personality (as in open and trusting) to try a dating service so I would probably just meet someone while doing a hobby or a job. That is how I met my dear husband, through work.
Maybe I should start watching sports on TV then I would have something in common. Most people I know are into football, basketball, and hockey. I only know about baseball. I never watched the others when my husband was alive and I really wasn’t much of a fan. I did like hockey though when I was younger. I just feel like it involves so much emotional and physical energy and the pay-off isn’t very good. I’d rather go for a walk than sit on a coach and yell at a TV screen.
Also I’ve stopped drinking, so the social drinking part of socializing is over. I suppose I could drink water but it would be a temptation. But I’m pretty strong when I want to be. I’m really not sure where I fit into today’s standards of socializing. I feel lost. I can’t eat out either because of my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I suppose all of this isn’t that unusual for a person with a mental illness either.
It has caused me some anxiety lately too. All of this thinking about the future and what should I be doing. Of course, being here in my house all week with my father can cause me to go stir crazy now that its standard time again and cold weather settles in. I can’t even step outside without freezing.
Maybe all my anxiety comes from worrying too much about what I should be doing? Does anyone else have this problem? Does this all stem from over thinking the situation. Perhaps the Sertraline buried that part of my personality and now it is back. This all could be tied into my OCD too. I don’t know. How does everyone else handle the long winters and the long nights? I’d hate to have to go back on the medication again. I’d like to see if I can find alternative ways to combat the anxiety and mania that stems from this time of year. We’ll see.