I Can Be Honest With You

I want to come clean with you all because I feel that you are all my friends. I have been trying to be positive but when I’m really positive I don’t post but tonight I need to let you know I have been having trouble drinking again. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me but I haven’t been honest with my pdoc or therapist at all. They keep asking me if I have been drinking and I have been lying to them. I have never lied about anything except this and especially to my doctors. I feel like there is someone else inside my body and mind.

 

 

 

I drink almost every single night…my vodka and Kahlua mix, and I drink enough to make me feel good and semi-drunk. Or as my pdoc has grilled me about the amount of alcohol, yes, I am a heavy drinker. I am slightly worried about what it is doing to me physically though. What if this starts to kill me just because I can’t control myself mentally? I have burned out from caring for my Dad and I deal with his issues every day and then I drink in the evening. The weight gain is driving me nuts and the drinking is driving me crazy too yet I don’t feel like I can stop and am not sure I want to and really feel like I have no control over anything anymore. The morning comes and I don’t want to face the day  because alcohol is a depressant but my pills so do anything to stabilize me anyway. I really hate my life but pills can’t change my life. I just keep getting up in the morning and doing the same day over and over.  I’m afraid my pdoc is going to quit on me because I’m not following his plan because of the drinking though. I have to see him on Thursday but I don’t know whether to keep on telling him the same old lie and say I’m not drinking or tell him the truth and listen to him yell at me and then not offer any help until I quit. That’s what he has done in the past, so I expect that is what he will do if I tell him now. I know for one thing I shouldn’t be spending any time thinking about it. I bet you a normal person doesn’t think about their appointment with their doctor. I really hate my life.

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2 thoughts on “I Can Be Honest With You

  1. lala1966 says:

    Vodka and Kahlua (black russians) is my firend I wrote abouts favorite mixed drink. It really affected her physically and mentally when she got out of control with it. I of course think that you should share things like this with your pdoc. But I don’t think that he should be yelling at you and refusing treatment over it.
    I try and put myslef in your shoes. In a way, having a couple of drinks in your situation seems almost needed. But it will damage you physically, cause you to gain weight (a lot of caleraies in a black russion). I am afraid if you depend on that to help you get through this time, one day when you do have your freedome back, you will be stuck with the alcohol and not able to enjoy your life when it does become easier. I am not trying to disrespect your father, but I know that you know that life will be a bit easier on you when he passes on now that he is in this stage. Don’t get so far into this cocktail hour that you can function when the time comes.That is something easier said than done I know. But I pray for you that you will one day have the life that you deserve. (((hugs))). xx

  2. unfetteredbs says:

    Dear Dorothy-
    Please don’t lie. Your burden is too heavy. Let someone carry you for a change.

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