I want to come clean with you all because I feel that you are all my friends. I have been trying to be positive but when I’m really positive I don’t post but tonight I need to let you know I have been having trouble drinking again. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me but I haven’t been honest with my pdoc or therapist at all. They keep asking me if I have been drinking and I have been lying to them. I have never lied about anything except this and especially to my doctors. I feel like there is someone else inside my body and mind.
I drink almost every single night…my vodka and Kahlua mix, and I drink enough to make me feel good and semi-drunk. Or as my pdoc has grilled me about the amount of alcohol, yes, I am a heavy drinker. I am slightly worried about what it is doing to me physically though. What if this starts to kill me just because I can’t control myself mentally? I have burned out from caring for my Dad and I deal with his issues every day and then I drink in the evening. The weight gain is driving me nuts and the drinking is driving me crazy too yet I don’t feel like I can stop and am not sure I want to and really feel like I have no control over anything anymore. The morning comes and I don’t want to face the day because alcohol is a depressant but my pills so do anything to stabilize me anyway. I really hate my life but pills can’t change my life. I just keep getting up in the morning and doing the same day over and over. I’m afraid my pdoc is going to quit on me because I’m not following his plan because of the drinking though. I have to see him on Thursday but I don’t know whether to keep on telling him the same old lie and say I’m not drinking or tell him the truth and listen to him yell at me and then not offer any help until I quit. That’s what he has done in the past, so I expect that is what he will do if I tell him now. I know for one thing I shouldn’t be spending any time thinking about it. I bet you a normal person doesn’t think about their appointment with their doctor. I really hate my life.