It’s Monday, October 1, 2012 and the day started out cold and gray. I did not want to get out of bed because it was so much warmer under the blankets and I wanted to just wrap them over my head and make a cave out of them and say the Hell with it all. But I could see my father was waking up and, damn, it was early for him. I couldn’t ignore him, it was his birthday after all, and I am here to take care of him. So, I threw my feet out from under the covers and asked how he was and wished him a Happy Birthday. I received no response which is not unusual because he probably didn’t understand what I said. Dementia paired up with poor hearing makes it difficult to communicate at this stage. Since it was cold I covered him with another blanket and turned the heat on. This was the first time I have put it on so the smell of musty odor started to fill the house. It was quickly chased away by the warmth that it brought though. Enough with the freezing fingers….I had enough of those. I don’t know about anyone else but the medications I take make my circulation less than perfect leaving me with cold fingers if the temperature drops below 65 degrees. I quickly dressed and got things ready for the day ahead.
The home health aide would be visiting my father today so I like to have the house in order. The laundry washed, the beds made, the dishes done, etc. The aide will fold laundry and make the bed if needed and she does an excellent job but I feel slightly odd having her do it because I am here to do the work. She is considered help for me also but it’s strange to be offered respite after so many years. I’ve accepted it though because I knew things were bound to get worse and my health has been very erratic. I hope that it helps me as soon as I get over these stupid guilt feelings. I don’t even understand why I have them. If anyone deserves rest, it’s me. Yet when anyone offers it. I reject it, saying I am fine. I have a sister that accuses me of being a martyr. She doesn’t understand that I am afraid that something will happen while I am away then I will feel responsible. So, I stay to try to control the situation. I have always been a control freak. That’s something I worked on for many of the past few years and I think I’ve gotten better. But I also think I’m one of those people who need to have a problem in their life. Usually I like everything to be normal, my day-to-day routine the same, but I’ve found that when something happens I then have an excuse to drink. Maybe I’m afraid of normalcy…whatever that may be. I don’t even know.
Anyway, I’ve lost my train of thought and can’t think any more today anyways. I’ve decided to do a 30 day challenge. This is a photo challenge that will surely make you all sick. It’s called 30 Day Facial Expression Challenge. I don’t know if it’s really supposed to be a drawing challenge or a photo challenge but I’m doing a photo challenge because I’m lazy. Each day you post a new facial expression.
DAY 1- NORMAL FACE ……..hahahahah…..(normal) this is taken on my web cam so everything is backwards…this is my mug shot and how I normally look. I never wear make up and my hair needs a dye job and I dress like a bum. Welcome to my world!