As far as hurricanes go I don’t rate this one very high on the frightening scale. I’m speaking from the viewpoint of someone who lives in Boston and didn’t get a direct hit like New Jersey and Delaware or New York. Massachusetts got its fair share of high winds today, some topping upwards of hurricane force, which is 70 mph or greater. But most of this storm was gusts of wind and annoying rain that would come from the left and right at the same time. I think it was the fear factor for me because my car was parked in front of my house sandwiched between many trees and I wondered if any of those trees would drop a branch on it. There is an arm size branch that impaled itself in my front lawn, a small reminder that trees do most of the damage in a storm like this. And the entire street looks like it is paved in fallen leaves, golden and brown, wet from the rain. Those that hadn’t fallen are gone with the exception of my linden tree that is still green and will hold on until I curse it into December whereupon it will drop all of its leaves with the first snowfall. Presently it is eerily quiet, makes me wonder if there is more to come or has Sandy moved on to wreak havoc elsewhere.
Scituate and south-facing towns got hit pretty good though and I would have loved to have seen this all from a safe place. No, I would not liked to have been there in my car because fun can quickly turn to danger when the ocean is involved and I like my car enough to not see it swamped by sea water. But I like this excitement and like watching a good storm right after the danger has passed and the tide is still stirred up. Maybe this weekend it will be worth checking out when it is safer.
Hope it wasn’t bad where you were and if you lived nowhere near it, the better.
The blue bottles line up in the back hallway signifying our time spent apart. Each one means I miss you. An ache and tear ripped across my heart.
You’ll never return to me no matter how much I try. No matter how much I pray to the heavens above God can’t make whole my broken heart, can’t mend the pieces shattered of our life and love.
My fairy tale was supposed to be arm in arm together, you worked so hard for years to be free. I could take care of you forever and make it all be so right. But hand of fate slapped me hard and reality had to be.
Now cold hard ground I stand upon. Your name etched in stone. Blue bottles line up in the back hallway. Together we started, but end,
I went to see my pdoc on Thursday and my intentions were to discuss medications with him. I toyed with the idea of talking about drinking but knew that it would get me nowhere because of previous discussions, so I kept silent on the issue. Instead I talked with him about cutting out some of my older meds that had lost their effectiveness. Eventually I would like to get off of the Risperdone, the increased Depakote and go back to just my Topamax and smaller dosage of Depakote. I’ll never go off of it completely because it prevents me from having seizures. He wanted to know how I’d been feeling outside of the depression caused from the circumstances I live within and I told him I felt frustrated. It is so difficult to have no control over so much, or at least that’s what it feels like. He was going to agree to take me off of the increased dosage of Depakote but what I really wanted was to be taken off of the Sertraline. I’ve been on that anti-depressant for two years and, lets face it, it doesn’t work well for me. The best I can say about it is it makes me very forgetful. So, it was good when I wanted to forget about things in life that were unattainable, like my husband coming back from the grave or having things from my fantasy world come true. But when I couldn’t remember whether I had just eaten or not or even why and I lived in a house in which I cared for my father who had dementia you can understand how it got to feel a little disconcerting. The odds are already stacked against me that I’ll get Alzheimer’s Disease because my mother had it too and then I live in my little world of dissociation, so I’m not sure if a medication helps me or makes things worse. Already I am losing track of what I am writing. Let me see if I can get back on track at least. Okay so, my pdoc agreed to let me go off of the Sertraline and I was and still am very happy that he said that. I get the chance to see what I will be like without the blanket of forgetfulness thrown over me. I may regret the decision but I don’t care. I think I can take the pain now. It has been 15 months since my husband, Nick, died and he probably wouldn’t recognize me and what I’ve done to myself. He’d forgive me though. So, I can forgive myself too. I know I am still grieving because I really didn’t grieve properly because those medications keep you from grieving. You just rot…you don’t grieve. I can still break into tears like a dam breaking open because I have been kept in some suspended state of animation all of this time. It’s really weird is all I can say.
Sertraline is Zoloft….go bounce your ball back into that cave and stay there…BYE!
I want to come clean with you all because I feel that you are all my friends. I have been trying to be positive but when I’m really positive I don’t post but tonight I need to let you know I have been having trouble drinking again. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me but I haven’t been honest with my pdoc or therapist at all. They keep asking me if I have been drinking and I have been lying to them. I have never lied about anything except this and especially to my doctors. I feel like there is someone else inside my body and mind.
I drink almost every single night…my vodka and Kahlua mix, and I drink enough to make me feel good and semi-drunk. Or as my pdoc has grilled me about the amount of alcohol, yes, I am a heavy drinker. I am slightly worried about what it is doing to me physically though. What if this starts to kill me just because I can’t control myself mentally? I have burned out from caring for my Dad and I deal with his issues every day and then I drink in the evening. The weight gain is driving me nuts and the drinking is driving me crazy too yet I don’t feel like I can stop and am not sure I want to and really feel like I have no control over anything anymore. The morning comes and I don’t want to face the day because alcohol is a depressant but my pills so do anything to stabilize me anyway. I really hate my life but pills can’t change my life. I just keep getting up in the morning and doing the same day over and over. I’m afraid my pdoc is going to quit on me because I’m not following his plan because of the drinking though. I have to see him on Thursday but I don’t know whether to keep on telling him the same old lie and say I’m not drinking or tell him the truth and listen to him yell at me and then not offer any help until I quit. That’s what he has done in the past, so I expect that is what he will do if I tell him now. I know for one thing I shouldn’t be spending any time thinking about it. I bet you a normal person doesn’t think about their appointment with their doctor. I really hate my life.
I lost my post from Saturday night. I don’t know what happened to it but after writing it I proceeded to add the photo and the posting got lost somehow. I couldn’t even find it in draft either. It makes me wonder if I actually wrote it at all. I actually wonder about those things. Maybe I only imagined those things. Anyway, today was a half wasted day. I didn’t run any marathons, I didn’t write any books, (actually, between you and me and the lamp post….I have started to write a book, back two years ago but it was erotica, so I only went so far….I have the idea for the book and started writing the good parts and filling in pieces, but I haven’t written in a long time) and I didn’t host any elaborate state dinners. I got up early and took care of the dog and then went back to sleep. WOW! I accomplished so much! Then I cut the grass and went shopping for leaf bags and got stopped by a policeman. Oh joy! I need to stop walking through life on auto-pilot as this seems to attract policemen. He parked right next to me at the store and normally that makes me wicked paranoid but this time I could care less. Perhaps I cared I bit too little. He happened to come out at the same time I did and follow me exactly the way I drove even though I take an alternate route. None of this raised any red flags, in fact I saw him in my rear view mirror and all my brain said was, “Get Out Of My Way! ” next thing I know is the policeman turns his flashers on and pulls me over. Luckily he was a lazy guy and didn’t feel like getting out of his car because he just pulled it up next to mine and spoke to me through the open window. Seems he didn’t like that I forgot to use my turn signal. Normally I do but today for some reason I forgot. Maybe because I was being tailed by a policeman and it distracted me. He wanted to know if I knew it was the law and yes, I said I did and yes, sir, I was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. Anything not to get a ticket since it would be a moving violation and would appear on my auto insurance and it’s not REALLY an infraction….give me a break. I didn’t run a red light. Lucky for me, he just wanted to do the authority schtick and off he went, making left and right turns without a turn signal.
So, my trip to get light bulbs and leaf bags could have turned into a hefty ticket and a surcharge on my auto insurance all because I didn’t use my blinker. Maybe my Sunday should have been more boring than it was. I was just trying to do something productive officer, really……..only rake leaves.
The rest of my evening has been spent being called names by my Dad. Let’s see I am a guy that is a ‘wise guy’, a ‘smart aleck’, a ‘son-of-a-bitch’, ….he wants to know what I have done with the baby that doesn’t exist. His dementia is really bad tonight and he tends to take it out on me the most since I spend the most time with him. Honestly, I feel bad for him. I wish I could make his life better but realistically he lived 90 fruitful years before this happened to him. So, to have the past five be downhill how can I complain. Longevity runs in the family too, so I wonder how long this will last. How long will I last caring for him before I really lose it? And who will do it if I can’t ?