The Struggle Within

I think I’ve finally burned out. I’m tired of taking care of others. Tired of taking pills, tired of doing the work for free, just plain sick and tired of the day-to-day hum-drum. I’m also feeling ashamed of myself for not caring for not having the fight to continue. This has be a constant struggle now for weeks. I’m tired of all of this ever since the water leaked out of the washing machine. I’ve felt like I just can’t take any more of this whole stupid shit. I’m still trying to get that fixed too. Because of the age of the house and the way my Dad plumbed the pipe sixty years ago , the whole thing will have to be pulled out and a new one will have to be put in. I’m terrified of the whole thing. I wanted to have the washer put into the basement never to be seen again but that would cost close to $4000 and run the risk of shattering the main drain because it was so old, something called victory pipe from WWI . All I know is this damn washer will still be in my kitchen and I hate it.I must have been swept away in a flood or a raging torrent because this is scaring the hell out of me.

I also fell off the wagon and went back to drinking. I don’t even care either. I’m so disgusted with the way my life is I just don’t care. I’ll stop when I feel like it or get sick or when the doctor yells at me or something drives me more insane. I don’t know what to say about it. At least I’m not out of control and I’m not drinking to the excess that I was in the summer. I’ve decided to do more reading instead. I have a drink and then relax with some TV or read. I have one of those electronic readers, mine is a Kindle, and after getting a gift certificate for my birthday I got some new books. First I’m reading a free book that came with my new cell phone. I’m reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again. I read it 100 years ago but it’s light escapism is nice to read before going to sleep at night. I like the part of the book when she meets up with the Cheshire Cat and asks for directions away from the madness:

But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked.

`Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: `we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’

`How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.

`You must be,’ said the Cat, `or you wouldn’t have come here.’

That’s how I feel being in this house among my family. I’ll never get better because I’m among them and this situation. I want so badly to get away from this place but I can’t even go away to the mental hospital. I just got this visual of me being a scarecrow with a big pole stuffed up my backside. I’m stuck in a field to scare away the birds. I do my job but it’s lonely and I can’t escape and the others constantly come and pick away at me.

SHOO….GET AWAY…..YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS…..SHOO……   I JUST WANT A MOMENTS PEACE…..NO RESPONSIBILITY  …..GET AWAY

Everyone thinks you’re doing such a great job and constantly tells you how wonderful you are and then goes away. Meanwhile the flood waters get deeper and you slowly drown.

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2 thoughts on “The Struggle Within

  1. crb46 says:

    first of all, a virtual hug won’t do for this but I think you need to think about yourself even if you have to feel guilty later. Is there not one other alternative to you being stuck there with no help? What a bout a social worker to talk to about what you are dealing with. Even a church group. You may have to listen to a lot of church cliche’s but many many churches are really good at helping people who can not get help anywhere else. I think and pray about your situation a lot. You are very special to me. xxx

  2. Dear Dorothy,

    “SHOO….GET AWAY…..YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS…..SHOO…… I JUST WANT A MOMENTS PEACE…..NO RESPONSIBILITY …..GET AWAY”

    I’m there too. I want to run away. I keep saying if i could get out of this house I’d go, somewhere no one knows me and won’t want anything from me and everyone will leave me alone. Responsibility is SHITE.

    How are you doing now?

    Love and big hugs, Dotty xxx

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