Normal?

I’m the same as you
when I wake I open my eyes
I use a toilet too
just like you

I eat food to nourish my body
maybe not the same
that makes your taste buds ignite but
the system functions the same

There are times when I’m not the same
I see things differently
I feel screams inside me
my body feels every sound that passes
by my ears
My lungs are squeezed for air like two arms
wrapped around them
My soul feels pain for every soul that hurts
even though it knows not who they are nor where
Other times it doesn’t care, feels like a zombie and
is unaware, a bomb could ignite and not care if I lay dying.

Good….I needed that pain and the searing agony,
deserve the people’s stares….they look on unaware that I am special, for all they care I could be God but they’re too busy to really know the answer. Too busy to really know the truth. Too busy to really know I know. To busy to know I have dropped down and destroyed all I worked so hard for, now back to the beginning  to START once again. I ask the question….does it end?  When? When does this really ever end? Or does it ever really end? I wonder.

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I’m One Out of Many

So, I’m back posting about being crazy again. Also I’m seriously struggling with the idea of staying sober. I don’t see any redeeming values in it other than feeling good physically. I am going crazy mentally because of menopause. I’ve been reading about it and it says that my other problems that I suffer from will more than likely recur too; the panic attacks and the anxiety, the psychogenic seizures I experience, these will come back more often. Also my vocabulary has been reduced to an elementary school level since the dictionary in my brain caught fire during that last hot flash. I have tried doing exercise and it gets me manic which in turn makes me want to kill everyone near me. I think I’ve become burned out from my caregiving duties too. I’ve been taking care of my father every day for over four years with only ten days away in 2010, my husband in 2011, and my mother for three years from 2001 to 2004. After the washing machine flooded I think I fell apart. Everything seems to be bothering me and I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but I’m only human. I don’t want to handle this anymore. I’m tired of being the one that makes all the decisions. I seriously need to get away from all of this especially in my own head.

Water, Water…go away

Yesterday was a terrible walk down memory lane. A day that PTS raged and frankly I was and still am horrified that I physically reacted the way I did.
It began as a normal day for me, washing clothes. This is something that I do every single day in my house. Monday I just had installed a brand new washing machine so I sat nearby with my computer and monitored it because I am still slightly paranoid of the machine’s workings. I’m not used to the sounds it makes and it’s a different brand and is a newer model and it works differently than what I’m used to. Mind you anything that differentiates from the norm in my routine tends to make me anxious and slightly panicky anyway. I was the same way Monday the first time I used it, so this has been all during the week that I’ve been on edge but it’s been ever so slightly tapering off.
Yesterday I’m sitting here and the machine goes into its draining cycle and I hear the distinct sound of dripping and leaking water. My hearing is not perfect and my brain is known to trick me and I know I am paranoid and I paused a moment but I got up and sure enough the machine is leaking water onto the floor from the back drain. OMG….this is such a huge trigger for me because I have been through a washing machine flood before.
When I lived on the third floor apartment when I was newly married my machine’s drain house came off and all of the water came out onto the floor and I walked into the kitchen to find inches of water on the floor. It had gone down into the neighbor’s apartment below me too. I panicked and threw towels onto the floor while the water was pouring out. All of it was totally illogical because a towel would do no good. I should have stuck the hose back onto the machine. But that was years ago, and here I am faced with this IMPENDING DOOM….my brain at least had sense enough this time to shut off the machine, unplug it, shut off the water, move my father, then grab towels if needed. Physically I was sick though and I felt totally out of control. My whole body was shaking, every muscle in my legs and my heart was shaking. I wanted to run away screaming. My response was so out of proportion to what was happening. And when my daughter came downstairs I started crying like someone had died because I couldn’t handle another catastrophe with water again. I wonder if I had drowned in a past life?
Then I called the first plumber in the phone book for an emergency house visit which is very expensive. It took them two hours to get here!! The whole time I thought the machine would start up again on its own and start draining water onto the floor. You know, I’m not a child but when this occurred I’d have believed you if you told me a monster was going to jump out of the machine. I wanted to take a baseball bat and beat it to the floor. I hate them so much.
When the plumber finally got here, he spilled more water onto the floor and then put my clean white towels onto the floor. He told me the drain was plugged and used the snake to try to clean it out but it was too plugged for him to do it. So, he was going to disconnect the pipe under the sink and make a huge mess and stink the house up. But he couldn’t get the pipe disconnected because it was so old and like cement, he said. I had enough and I was emotionally and physically dead. I felt like I was losing my mind and all because of some water. I don’t understand how it can be so powerful in my mind. I’m controlled by something that happened years ago. Thank God I didn’t drink because I sure wanted to yesterday!!
So, I told the plumber to forget it. Go away, I would do something else. I ended up paying him for making a mess and doing nothing productive but trying. I think I’m going to move this washer into my basement because if it leaks down there then I won’t care if there’s water on my basement floor. I feel like I have to get in charge again. Right now I feel like I’m not in control and I need to be. So, even if it costs me more money I’m willing to buy happiness. First, I’ll think about this and try and make some sense…..while washing my clothes at the laundromat.

Do You Need a Place to Hide?

falling out of my box

THIS IS FOR YOU DOTTY

WHEN YOU NEED A PLACE TO HIDE

CAUSE THE WORLD TO YOU HAS LIED

WANT TO KEEP YOURSELF OUT OF LIGHT

BUT YOUR COLLECTION’S TAKEN THE EXTRA SIGHT

THE LOFT IS REALLY NO GOOD

CAUSE THERE’S A MANIAC THERE EATING YOUR FOOD

WELL, I’VE GOT A SILLY PLAN FOR YOU

SEE WHAT  KEPT ME FROM DRINKING THE BOOZE

A PLAIN CARDBOARD BOX

I SIT IN IT AND SOMETIME IT ROCKS

BUT YOU CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE

I FELL OVER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR

IT’S GOOD I KNOW HOW TO LAUGH

CAUSE IT REALLY HURT MY ASS

I’D GIVE YOU MY BOX TO USE

BUT THEN I’D NEED ANOTHER SO I DON’T LOSE

MY MIND AND GO BACK TO THE BOOZE

SO, DOTTY, I’D GIVE YOU MINE

BUT I’D NEED ANOTHER TO MAKE THINGS FINE

SO, IF YOU BUY A BLANKET OR TWO

A HUGE BOX THEY CAN SEND TO YOU

AND A NEW HIDING SPOT YOU’LL HAVE FOUND

HAPPINESS WILL EXIST ALL AROUND

THE END

It’s My Birthday

Today is my 48th birthday and I am spending it the same way I spend every Monday. That is nothing unusual for people our age because middle age is supposed to be that way. I won’t be having a cake unless I want it made out of a potato because of my IBS but I got used to that four years ago when the disease really took over my life in earnest. I’m happy today though. It didn’t start out that way. I woke up too early needing the toilet like always because my daughter was eating her breakfast at four in the morning, banging and crashing about the kitchen. I went back to sleep to wake up again to the dog pushing the doggy gate down so he could get out of the kitchen. At that point I had to wee again (thanks menopause!) but my daughter was in the toilet and we have only one bathroom. So, I decided I would just give up on sleeping and distract myself until she got out of the bathroom. She reminded me it was my birthday and gave me a drawing of a rose that she had made. It was very nice of her. I like it when my daughters make me presents. Neither one has a job anyways and handmade gifts mean more to me. My younger daughter has been taking a drawing class in college that she really dislikes because the teacher is so strict but she has learned quite a lot. The drawing she gave me was very good considering she had never attempted to draw anything other than fashion models in the past. I also received many greetings from my friends on facebook and this made me feel very happy. So, instead of feeling older and thinking about what I can’t do, I feel really happy about having friends that take the time to say greetings or hello and at least I can eat a potato with a candle in it if I want to!

http://sciencesquad.questacon.edu.au/activities/edible_candle.html

And if you have nothing to do you can make an edible candle from a potato. This was the sort of things I used to do when I homeschooled my kids when they were younger. It would help to lighten up the day. So, I will try to stay happy for the sake of everyone I live with and remember I can always go back to my usual unpredictable bipolar self tomorrow….mwahahahaha. 😈

My apologies today. The last few days I have been out of sorts. Yesterday I had trouble talking and writing. Today I have another headache. I have no energy again and am finding it difficult to type the proper letters to compose this. Thank God for spellcheck. I read all of your postings and think you’re the best and so many of you I think we are separated from birth because I feel like I have the same symptoms and have experienced the same experiences. Some of you have had it much worse than I and you know who you are. My heart goes out to you. But honestly, I have read some posts lately that triggered me yesterday and even thinking of them make me cry but I don’t know why. I have no memory of my early childhood with the exception of some flashbacks of screaming and I’ve seen old movies of me acting weird and trying to hide behind a piano. (that makes me laugh for some reason, maybe that was my hiding place. I did like hiding under tents made out of blankets and hiding in closets and also running away) I wonder what I was running away from. I  don’t know except there was lots of yelling. Maybe that’s all there was. I just know I don’t like remembering it and I cry a lot when it starts entering my psyche now. I want it to stay away from me, what ever it is. Anyway, I am in sort of a weird lost place. My meds are only making me feel like a zombie. My pdoc was happy with me from my visit last week though, he said that I was in the best shape he had ever seen me in before. (go figure that one)  Admittedly I was trying to be positive and I took a note of pros and cons with me so I wouldn’t ramble on like I usually do. I asked if I could cut the Risperidone down to 1.5mg instead of 2mg but he suggested I stay at the current dose for six more weeks until our next meeting. I agreed but now wish I hadn’t been so wishy-washy. I just didn’t want to be confrontational. The meds make me too laid back and I have no energy to breathe sometimes. I also explained that I am starting to gain weight from them and he wanted to weigh me. God, no, not that. SO, I had to be weighed by my pdoc. Why not just kill me. You’re talking to someone who used to weigh 250 lbs. I am shaped like a pear, very heavy in the back-end. Blessed with a big bottom. Queen wrote that song, “Fat Bottomed Girls” about me….hahaha…but then IBS reared its head in full force four years ago and forced me into an all out starvation of sorts and now I weigh (according to the doctor) 165 lbs. I have weighed 142 at my lowest and averaged before Risperidone 155 lbs. So, I’ve gained ten pounds on the meds and I suppose drinking gallons of vodka and Kalhua for about seven months didn’t help, did it? Well, I’m upset about the weight because I know I should exercise and the meds make me sluggish. I’m in menopause which doesn’t help too. I’m trying to except my life too and just say things could be worse, they have been, and be thankful for what I have and be positive and start again somewhere. I guess I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. I’m not drowning but I need a plan. I can still stay afloat but I get tired fast, so what do I do? Try to swim for sure, that’s exercise. Lay around on my back and just accept my circumstances and get fatter but try to stay sane and alive? I can’t give up because I have to care for my Dad and clean this stupid place and feed everyone else and I really feel like giving up on that today (not my Dad, he’s helpless) but the house could go to Hell. Is anyone out there having a good day today? I hope so. Even if you’re watching a show. Oh, I did watch a movie on tv this weekend, that was for me and it was a lot of fun. So, I’ll think of that for a while.

Off to See the Wizard

I’m going to see my pdoc today for my monthly discussion of my medications. I was all set to tell him how great things were going but then this week came along and was all crappy. It started out with feeling bitchy and then I felt like my head was weird. Yesterday I got a semi-migraine too. My brother told me that the solar flares were flaring and I know that they affect me in a negative way so I blamed them for my mood but I don’t think my pdoc will fall for that. Risperidone has been helpful in many ways. I sleep better, mostly the negative chatter in my head has subsided (with the exception of the past ten days), and I am much calmer. The cons of the medicine is that I get dizzy easily, my mind wanders (dangerous while driving), I have no motivation to accomplish things, and I forget things so quickly. These last two I find the most annoying. I can do something or speak to someone and right away forget I’ve done it. It’s embarrassing because I don’t want the person to think I wasn’t paying attention to our conversation like I don’t care….maybe I should wear a bit button that says FORGIVE ME, I’M ON MEDICATION. I guess I just have to learn to adjust my life style similar to a person that has a physical disability. Someone in an accident doesn’t just get used to it overnight, it takes time. I’m guessing this is just going to be my life and I’m going to have to adjust to it. It will never be the way it used to be. I must change to a new ME. I could make it a positive experience and look it as a clean slate and become anyone within those parameters that I choose. Hmm…I do enjoy having the calmness in my head, that’s a plus. Getting housework done at a slower pace …..so what, too bad.  Driving, that’s a big issue but needs to be done safely or not at all. I am not getting into an accident and hurting myself or others. Maybe I should take the bus more or ride a bicycle. A bicycle would help trim up my fat backside that I have been blessed with (thank you ancestors). Besides I could hide underneath a helmet and no one would recognize me…hahaa.

YEAH!! right

Yet all I really carry is memories of myself as a kid when I rode a bike everywhere and people teased me. Maybe now I can get a taser and zap them with it. In any case, I will try to keep a positive outlook and see what the doctor says and hopefully have a good meeting with him. The last two were stressful but I do have good news as this is day 21 without alcohol, so he should be as happy as I am about that and it is no longer interfering with the medication. I’ll see what comes of our meeting. Have a good day all!

Dot