I woke up too early this morning. In fact I didn’t get enough sleep last night. My fault partly because I stayed up later than I should have and then I’ve been waking up every morning at around 3:45 or 4:00 a.m. I am very groggy and it feels as if someone is waking me. Maybe my husband’s ghost is coming to see me. He used to start work at those crazy hours so maybe those are his haunting hours too. I don’t know what else it is. But as soon as I’m awake then I have to go to the bathroom, of course. I drink so much water now to take the place of what I was drinking before…lol. After I go to the toilet I go back to sleep. This morning I was having a dream that I was jumping on a trampoline and some followers of a church were all chanting ‘The power of Christ compels you” when my father woke me up because he wanted to get up. I kept wondering where had I heard this chant before…”the power of Christ compels you?” ….it has been driving me nuts for the past hour or so until it dawns on my pea-brain to Google it. Lo and behold, oh yeah, it was from the movie, The Exorcist,….LOL….I must have been having an exorcism on a trampoline in my dream.
WOW..that’s amazing! That’s just what I need, an exorcism!! Drive the evils remains of the demons of the alcoholism far away from me and bring back the old me, the fun me, the one that didn’t need a damn thing to fall on the floor laughing because I just love to laugh and have a great time anyway.
Honestly I think I’m there anyway. Last night I looked around my living room where my wedding photo hangs on the wall and I get the real feeling that my husband is moving along to better places in heaven now. Before I felt that he was coming and going, now I think he has an important job and is busy. He can come see me when ever I need him to but there is a different feeling in my house. I feel like now if I wanted to date again I could. Or if I start donating his clothes and shoes I can. I still get teary-eyed but I can do it.
I’m sure being one week without having any alcohol in me helps. I am very proud of myself. I haven’t felt this good about quitting something since I quit smoking back in 2001. I think the Risperidone is helping too. It seems to calm my mood and thinking quite a bit. Even yesterday when my daughter who is vacationing in California texted that she had tripped and hurt her leg and then had a migraine and felt like dying and just wanted to come home-made me feel stressed because I couldn’t help her. I tried calling and couldn’t talk to her because her phone went to voice mail. I was totally helpless and useless and 3000 miles away. I had to just handle it. Not drink, not freak out, not get mad, nothing. I managed to do so. That’s a big deal for me since before I would have poured a big glass of vodka and Kahlua and become totally zoned out to it all. So, thank you God, thank you Nick, thanks to my friends for listening and supporting me, thanks to my family for putting up with me, and thanks to myself too for not giving up. Who knows what tomorrow will bring!