“Anger as soon as fed is dead – ‘Tis starving makes it fat.”

A quote of Emily Dickinson’s  and having experienced these opposite extremes I can say it is true.

First off, I’d like to say I feel better and I’m glad to be back and will spend the better part of today catching up on everyone’s blogs to see what wisdom I’ve missed. You’re all incredibly insightful and just plain hilarious too and I don’t want to miss out on any of your postings.

Secondly, I’ll bring you up to speed at what’s been going on in my corner of the dungeon. When I last left you I was drinking nightly and teetering on the edge of insanity, maybe even crossing over into it because it sure felt that way. My brain was attacking me, loneliness was my nightly companion and I really just felt like not living anymore. If not for being the one in care of my Dad I probably would have committed suicide. That is how bad I felt.

I tried to get an appointment to my pdoc to see if my pills could be changed or whatever but there were no openings. Anyone whose been in this situation knows the panic that starts to set in. We need help but don’t want to go so far as going to the ER because they’ll lock us up. I tried a second time to get an appointment but this time asked to be put on the cancellation list. The week grinded along and I got worse. I heard more voices and they weren’t nice voices telling me pretty stories. I paced my basement at night and stood on the stairs gauging the distance if I hung a noose could I hang myself. My Dad must have sensed my emotions too because I wasn’t sharing this with him but he was becoming tense and non cooperative with me. I was not acting any different towards him at all. I treated him like I always did but suddenly he didn’t want to eat the food I cooked for him or go to sleep at night. I am still wondering if he could sense my vibrations and just know as a parent that I needed help. It makes me sad thinking of this that I caused him anxiety too because I would never want to hurt him (even though he caused me years of harm when I was growing up!!) The clincher was the night I was taking a shower and washing my hair. My eyes were shut and suddenly I had a flashback. I was in the kitchen of my childhood and I could hear screaming and yelling and I was crying….it was all in my head but it freaked me out. It just came out of the blue…all of this emotion and noise. I felt so crazy and thought I am going to die. I had to tell myself no one dies from going insane….no one dies from going insane….I kept repeating it. I decided to write my pdoc an email and just ask him to give me any medication, even something I’ve tried before, I didn’t care, anything…it didn’t matter.

Luckily he received my email and called me the next day and prescribed Risperidone. I had been on this once before about ten years ago but only for a few days because it had made me very drowsy, so I figured I’d try it, I didn’t care. He also arranged his schedule to see me today and I’ll also be seeing my therapist today too. So, I feel like a life-preserver has been thrown to me. I’m still in the water but I’m not drowning and that feels so damn good!! You have no idea (unless you do  🙂  )

The Risperidone is not the worst drug I’ve taken. It does not make me drowsy this time though. It does make me feel like fainting though so I haven’t driven my car much at all. I also had the worst migraine that started on Sunday AM and went until Monday AM and then got another headache yesterday and another last night. BUT…..the best thing is I have had NO desire to drink at all…NONE…NOTHING…NADA. The desire is not there at all. I am thrilled with that because I wasn’t a drinker before, except for coffee, which was my vice. So, I haven’t had any alcohol since June 13….hoorah for me!! So, is the headache detoxing or the pill, who knows. I figure I’ll give it a chance to see if the side effects go away. I know that can take a few weeks and hopefully I don’t fall on anyone and crush them…LOL.   I am still getting the negative voices at night though, so I’m going to have to work on that. Today I’m going to ask my therapist if I can have more appointments to try to figure out these flashbacks too.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying that things are going to be better now and just keep trying to walk a straight path.

Hope you’re all doing well today!!

Dot

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3 thoughts on ““Anger as soon as fed is dead – ‘Tis starving makes it fat.”

  1. magicallymad says:

    SOOOO happy to hear you’re doing better!!!!! Hooray for life preservers!!! I’m so glad. (((HUGS)))

  2. carlarenee45 says:

    oh Dot, I have been so worried about you. Your drinking and negative words about yourself. made me wish I could just hop a plne and come sit with you (even though I don’t even know where you are lol). But all I can do is pray. I’m glad you get to see your pdoc and therapist today. Make em listen to ya. I hope they give you the right help (((HUG)))

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