Why oh Why

Gary S. And Vivian Chapman/Getty Images

This topic is in response to fellow blogger Carla at http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com who was responding to the age-old question posed by another that there should be a good reason to blog. Just why do we blog? I had started my photography blog because it was considered a good exercise for photographers to do so in the is age of computer generated sales and social networking. But my life was not photography, that was just something I did. I lived life as a person with a disease that was starting to consume me and therefore felt the need to write what my soul was feeling.

I never did it thinking anyone would follow me. In fact, it never occurred to me that anyone would want to. That is the nature of my personality. Why would anyone give two shits about me? In fact I tormented myself with worry that people from the photography blog would find out about my bipolar blog, finding out I was mentally ill. I thought what if they find out?? I will have no chance of ever being anything because no one wants a mentally ill photographer. Finally it dawned on me, that no one gave two shits about me anyways…lol. No one cared about my photography, no one cared about me, no one cared I was mentally ill. I am just one more ant on the sidewalk scurrying about. I write to get my thoughts out of my mind because they are driving me out of my mind.

In all my years I have never felt this way. I have always had some semblance of control. There has always been someone I could lean on. This is the first time in my life I am walking through it, honestly feeling like I am in a dark tunnel constantly trying to get my eyes to adjust to the darkness and I can’t. I am alone except for my constant companion of the hateful voices in my head that accompanying my nights. I ask for help from my pdoc’s secretary but there’s no appointment’s available. This must be a test. I don’t think I can die from insanity. A couple of nights I really felt frightened and felt like I was going mad but I held on. Last night I told myself I can’t die from going crazy.  Nietzsche said, “What does not kill me, makes me stronger.”

So, like a TV show that you may disapprove of if you don’t like one blog there are an uncountable numbers of others to choose from. Or do something really old-fashioned, shut your computer OFF……read a book, go for a walk, stand outside, bake a cake, sing a song, draw a picture, blow bubbles, plant some seeds, clean your house, think up more things do to and make a list and then do them!!


What have you got to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s