10:30 Again

I feel like staying awake all night tonight but sleep is my only friend.

I don’t know why I want to torture myself because when I’m awake my mind won’t shut up.

Maybe I’m  trying to hurt myself.

My sister thinks that. She thinks I feel guilty about being alive.

I agree with her. Everyone else died but me.

Why am I alive?

I’ll tell you about my husband.

He was older than me but was the nicest guy.

A hard worker and friendly and a good father.

Never asked me about what I spent money on or where I was going.

Tolerated my illness when it was really, really bad.

Tolerated me when I was a very bad alcoholic and smoked cigarettes.

He did change as he got older and his sense of humor went away a bit.

He wasn’t perfect…..he was human…LOL.

A really good man who deserved so much more than just hard work.

He deserved to see his kids grow up.

He deserved to retire and not have to get up every morning at 1:00 to go to work.

I guess God wanted him back. The good die young they say.

My Dad is almost 95…LOL. I’ll never understand it but I am so tired and hurt.

I’m sorry to those that read this and think this is all I talk about.

I’ll shut up now.

my husband Nick, before he became sick


8 thoughts on “10:30 Again

  1. carlarenee45 says:

    Dot, do you go to counseling regularly?

    • Dorothy says:

      If by regular you mean the once a month then yes, I do.

      • carlarenee45 says:

        well that is nice. She should be giving you some ideas on how to cope with your loss and all, but the thing is, now days therapist usually sit there and act like they are listening

      • Dorothy says:

        or like the last time she suggested I take fish oil capsules when I hate fish and I’m a vegan….I wonder if they really listen

      • carlarenee45 says:

        well with mine that I have went to for over ten years, she was all ears when my problems had to do with affairs and lesbian lovers but now that Im dealing with growing older and missing my kids, it’s like she is bored with me

      • Dorothy says:

        it’s like these problems are too mundane for her but for you it’s your life!

  2. Dear Dorothy,

    Don’t shut up.

    Love Dotty xxx

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