Just Who Have I Become

 

This is me running around the seashore with my cameras back when I knew what was what.

 

I was looking through some of 11,000+ photos of mine on Flickr trying to decide what I should write about for my other blog when I started looking at the quality of my work through the years compared to what I do ( or DON’T do) now. Like most artists we have our ups and downs, good times and bad times. Depression can bring out some very emotional and moving pieces. I used to be able to remember every single place where I took a photo and what I was doing at the time. Now when I look at them I try to remember where I was and can’t especially if I didn’t tag them or categorize them.

It has been quite awhile since I have done anything serious with my photography. I tried to go out in the winter when it snowed since we had so little here in Boston but winter brought me so much misery and depression. I haven’t regained my passion since then. I’ve only gone out into my backyard and photographed insects and flowers. I’ve tried to use my 85mm lens more because I needed the practice and it was kind of cool to see things in such detail. But my real passion feels dead. Before I would really SEE things, it was an obsession perhaps. Now, I say to myself…I wish I had my camera, oh well, I don’t. Life goes on. Before I would have got my camera and made an effort to get the shot. Now life just IS.

What do you do when your passion ends? Find a new one? Let’s see…..I’ve gone through being a singer, playing guitar, writing songs, being a photographer, I’m really good at being a fucking loser. I know, I should shut up. That’s the booze talking. I won’t agree with that. I’m not a loser, just feel like one. When my Dad passes I’m going to be an anarchist. That’s a fact. You heard it here. I’m going to Monsanto and wreaking havoc upon their puny souls. They are only one entity on my list. Monsanto because they are killing us all with cancer. Evil, greedy, ________, (you fill in the blank, which I will leave blank out of pure kindness). Of course, I don’t have a job and don’t get any money. I’m not on disability, maybe I should apply for it finally. I wonder if they would approve me. I’m kind of afraid of the whole process. I don’t trust the government at all. I vote for all my elected officials from the bottom up and research everyone and everything I vote for but I don’t trust the entity as a whole. I write to my Senators and Congressman too because I feel that this is all I can do.

So, what is my passion? Complaining?? Being depressed?? Not understanding?? Wondering if my neighbors can hear my annoying ‘singing’ out through the open window?  hmmmm…..sleeping……that’s a possibility. When I fall asleep I certainly don’t feel like getting up in the morning. Losing my mind? Meh…what does it really matter??? I think too much.

I hope all of you have a good weekend, a safe one!

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5 thoughts on “Just Who Have I Become

  1. carlarenee45 says:

    I think you still have a passion. You just can’t see it because it is all covered up with the depression. also the numbing yourself. You can’t feel anything when you do that. You should try to do a day of thanks everyday. That way, you have to think of something good every day. (((hugs)))

  2. frangipani says:

    Maybe you are entering a cocoon phase- thinking, digesting, reinventing. To emerge when you are ready, different and renewed. In some way I went through such a process and came out different, yet still me. All best wishes to you.

    • Dorothy says:

      Thank you! I’ve wondered before if when great change occurs and we change with it of course there is re-inventing going on too but the process can be one of great discourse along the way. I hope I make it to the end.

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