I’ve been avoiding my blogs lately. Avoiding my thoughts and avoiding thinking.I titled this post ‘neglect’ because I’ve also been neglecting myself by avoiding thinking. At the time I didn’t think so, because by not thinking and just going on auto-pilot, letting life slip by I avoided things that I would normally do for myself. It was easier to neglect myself too. I could drink each evening and excuse myself because I was only having one. Hey, just like in the 1950s TV shows when their was a cocktail hour and Mommy and Daddy would have a drink together. Except, here it was just Mommy getting hammered. Funny, my Mommy and Daddy never had a cocktail hour. My mother would have a beer on occasion (probably during PMS) and she had six kids, who’d blame her. My father would have the tiniest amount of Old Forester in this little glass with some ginger ale. I never saw either of them drunk in my entire life. I don’t know where I got my alcoholic tendencies from. I think it’s a form of punishment actually because I know I will feel lousy later. Logically, it doesn’t make any sense and I know it. Just like when I was a cutter. Cutting doesn’t make any sense either. I understand the relief of emotional pain but the physical pain lasts. I also know I am still grieving and wonder how long is this going to go on.
Hey, I’ll tell you something before I forget. Yesterday morning I was looking out my kitchen window when my husband talked to me. Yes, he’s dead and I know he is. But I got a high-pitched sound in my left ear and immediately my husband’s voice was in my head all at once. A conversation began…..he said,” Dot…” I talked back in my head only not out loud…I said I miss you so much…He said he loved me….he said ” what do you love to do the most now?”… I said….” I love nature and being outside but you’re not here” and he said but I never went with you anyways… (this was true)….he said, “why don’t you go and do what you love?” While this conversation happened a sparrow flew towards the window, almost right into it and then stopped and landed in front of me, looking for nesting material. It dropped what was in its mouth to pick up a twig much too big for its size, then it dropped that and flew away with nothing. I saw that and thought, just like me…can’t make up your mind so you leave with nothing. I started to cry. All of the conversation and this thing with the bird happened very fast. The message was extremely clear though. I GOT IT LOUD AND CLEAR. It’s pretty amazing when a loved one comes through like that. My husband, Nick, has come through in a dream and one other time. I have had other dreams with him but those I don’t remember. This has been the second time while I am awake and the first time with the high-pitched noise in my ear. So, Nick is saying go on to me. Enjoy what I like. I know I should because I started to cry, which is my brain acknowledging the rightness of it. But there’s a part of me walking down this pathway of destruction and I don’t know why. I think it’s anger. I get this image of anger luring me down there. Standing there with its hand beckoning me, saying “come on”, “there’s room for you, plenty of room for one more”. I’m so pissed off at life….took my brother, took my husband, even took my dogs, took my friends, that I loved. Took everything that meant something. I’m grateful I have my children. I love my children. I try to think about my neighbor who lost so much but it doesn’t make my losses any less. Life, you took away my favorite brother, you took away my husband…..what do I do now? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I have no skills. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
This is why I haven’t been writing!