Dear Brain

Dear Brain,
I don’t know who you think you are but last night I was feeling okay until you came along and took over my existence. I didn’t feel like drinking but you poured vodka and kahlua into my glass and then drank it while I sat there wondering why I was drinking it. I didn’t even want it! Just a little you said. I could feel my head hurt, like a band being squeezed around it. You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? Why do you want me to drink? I wasn’t depressed, I didn’t feel sad, I just felt lost. I felt like nothing last night. Then you screwed me up. The alcohol didn’t make me feel good, it didn’t help or make me feel happy or do anything. Why did you pour it? You won’t even answer me now! You have no answers to anything anymore. Now I feel depressed because of you and your liquor. Well, do you know what I did this morning brain? I poured that bottle of vodka down the drain. Then I poured that bottle of kahlua down the drain. Those two brand new bottles you just bought the other day are all gone. I watched them disappear down the drain and smelled the alcohol as it disappeared down the drain and then I rinsed the bottles and put them back behind the couch. They’re back where I found them so tonight when YOU GO LOOKING FOR THEM THEY WILL STILL BE THERE. BUT THEY WILL BE EMPTY, BRAIN…..JUST LIKE YOU!! FUCK YOU BRAIN. I AM TIRED OF YOU TRYING TO KILL ME. SO GO AHEAD AND LOOK. I HOPE YOU GET MAD AND SMASH THE BOTTLES TONIGHT. MAYBE THE POLICE WILL COME AND ARREST YOU AND THROW YOU AWAY SOMEWHERE. Now if you want to try to talk to me like a normal brain you can but you insist on telling me to kill myself and cut myself to pieces and I don’t know what I’ve ever done to you. Consider this a warning, your time is running out and I’m getting tired of your shit. My day of emancipation is nearing and you’re not going to like it!

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8 thoughts on “Dear Brain

  1. carlarenee45 says:

    Dot, do you need to talk? Im here if you need me

  2. magicallymad says:

    😦 Will it last or will it pass? Brain brain, go away, come again another day. Glad you dumped the liquor, don’t want to become too uninhibited in that state. I feel you. Suicide Sisterhood going on wordpress. So sorry it’s you today. Hugs.

    • Dorothy says:

      I’m glad I dumped the liquor too but already I am starting to get that feeling of what will I do without it. Maybe I will see what the therapist suggests but I’m not going to AA meetings.
      Hope you are better today!
      Hugs Dot

      • magicallymad says:

        Definitely need an alternative to AA. Benzodiazepines? I’ve been using for 6 years & am not chemically dependent OR addicted, so if you don’t have an addictive personality they can be life savers.

        Much better today. Thank you!

        Hugs,
        Jill

      • Dorothy says:

        I’ve taken Ativan before and still have the pills but they tend to have a paradoxical effect on me. You know, I need more and then I get angry and irritated after a few days of use. Most meds don’t work right with me. I’m like you, I have a long list of medications that I’ve tried and they all seem to fail. Just that is depressing!

  3. Dear Dorothy,

    Are you okay?

    Love Dotty xxx

    • Dorothy says:

      Dear Dotty,
      I am better today though I silenced my brain yesterday. Also I felt sick last night so I fell asleep in one of those groggy type sleeps from taking barbituate type medications. I have to see my therapist tomorrow so I will see what enlightening Alice in Wonderland worlds will unfold for me.
      Thank you for caring!
      Love Dorothy

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