It’s Time Once Again to Name that Dissociative Disorder

I wish life were only a game show. One of those stupid game shows from the 70s, like the Match Game that my grandmother used to watch with Gene Rayburn and Charles Nelson Reilly but it’s another part of my reality. Along with bipolar disorder I also suffer from some of the dissociative disorders. I’m really not big into labels and I usually just clump everything into bipolar but I’ve started to realize that my medications are not doing much for me if I’m drinking and smoking to get by in life. Sooooo, I started to think back to my diagnosises ( if there is such a word for multiple diagnosis)….I remember schizoid tendencies from a long time ago. I wonder if that still applies….LOL. Bipolar disorder was diagnosed back when I was 30, 17 years ago!! But I have exhibited signs of that since I was at least 14, maybe earlier. My family said I never fit in and I was always banging my head against chairs and rocking my head back and forth when I was a toddler all the way up into my adolescent years. I even wore a football helmet because I liked to crash into everything. I must have driven my mother crazy. The only problem is I have no memory of most of this. I remember so little of my childhood and I don’t know why. I say I was abducted by aliens. I know I was subjected to abuse by my peers at a young age because I was fat. Typical bullying started when I was about nine and it got so bad I wanted to commit suicide before I was ten. My doctor says I have dissociative amnesia because I can’t remember most of the years leading up to it. It’s strange that I can remember after that though. I remember cutting myself and starting smoking, becoming rebellious, and then fighting back. I’ll never forget those years when I started fighting back. I had so much anger stored up if anyone bothered me and didn’t leave me alone. I would beat the shit out of them. But I have patchy memories of my life before then. The weird thing to me is I’m afraid to remember too because I know something strange happened but I don’t know what. And the Topamax I take is great for destroying memories because I stopped taking it once and after a few months I started having dreams and thoughts about the past just like all these closet doors were being opened and I hated it. I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like my head was being squeezed and all these memories were trying to all fit out all at once. I thought I was going to go insane. I practically begged to go back on the pills. Even now there are times when I go into this state of mind like I am not real and the world isn’t real. I wonder what will happen after my father dies because I think he’s all that is holding me together right now.
Maybe I should stop being so unrealistic with my psychopharm doc and try some more pills again. I don’t want to gain any more weight but what kind of life am I living if I kill myself with booze? I don’t know what to do.


3 thoughts on “It’s Time Once Again to Name that Dissociative Disorder

  1. magicallymad says:

    Hmmm. Weight. I would say Adderall, but I have never had psychotic tendencies UNTIL I started to take them. But that only happens in 0.7% of patients who take it. So what are the odds? Wait, you’re from Boston (right?) – odds are high!

    I love that you eventually beat the shit out of your tormentors. Nothing like rage eroding your system when that lightbulb clicks on. I myself learned to use words to shame my tormentors – and it worked. But it made me very manipulative. Skillful manipulation has it’s upsides though…

    I had stopped taking meds bc none of the usual or alternative classes worked, this shifting to Adderall. But since that did me so much harm and I posted a suicidal-ish post tonight as well, maybe we should think about trying something new…

    One question – when you say you banged your head or rocked – my 2 year old SHAKES THE FOUNDATION OF THE HOUSE rocking her skull against her crib. She does it on he couch too. My son, he’s 1, is starting to exhibit the same rocking tendencies. I was suicidal during both pregnancies and had to stay on the benzodiazepines to keep alive – did I screw them up??? The doctors, and all the online articles, say its a comfort measure, that they can’t do themselves damage & that the body signals when it’s time to stop via pain. But I worry nonetheless (besides she wakes me up too bloody early every morning) & you’re saying you had these experiences as a little one? Damnit!!!

    Oh, diagnoses. It’s that easy!

    Life does feel like a game show to me. You ever see Arnold in ‘Running Man’? With Richard Dawson & Mick Fleetwood & Jesse Ventura? I think that’s our life. our game show. Except we’re not Arnold, or Yaphet Kotto, so, I don’t know, how do we get through?

    Big hugs, keep safe.

  2. Dorothy says:

    The rocking and banging of my head certainly brought me comfort and I don’t think your kids are doing any harm. I’ve seen babies do that too in their cribs. I think the biggest damage I may have done was to my neck because now I have arthritis but who knows that could have been caused by carrying my youngest around on my shoulders for too long too.

    My oldest daughter has bipolar too and she didn’t show any signs of it until she was about ten or so and even then it was more like depression. Hey, mental illness runs in families. That’s what makes my life so interesting….lol. Actually I’m very close to the daughter with the bipolar….we’re on the same wavelength.

    And, yes, my life is a game show….remember The Gong Show?

  3. carlarenee45 says:

    I rocked and rolled my head back and forth when I laid down until I was 15. My parents never took me to a doctor or anything.

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