Sorry…..my father is babbling. He is being annoying and I am in a bad mood. I don’t take it out on him because he can’t help himself. He is asking a million different questions and when I answer him he doesn’t understand what I am saying. I enunciate clearly the words I am saying like I am speaking to a toddler and he still doesn’t understand. He rolls the newspaper up into a cone and then starts to push it into his coffee cup but I intervene….hmmm…I’m no fun.
My mind is still on my appointment with my pyschopharm doctor. He told me I sounded angry and sarcastic. This was after I told him I was happy and FINE.
After explaining what fine meant too. You know you can’t get out of the office with ‘everything’s fine’…you have to explain in detail but only if that fits into the allotted time frame. So, I drink and smoke on occasion. How much do I drink? He’s asked me this before. I don’t know! I’m not measuring out my vodka in a shot glass! I’m pouring it out in a big glass and pouring Kahlua on top of that and then mixing in what ever I feel like drinking. If it’s a Friday or Saturday then I’m going to drink whatever I want to do. Should I? NO – Do I know why? Sometimes yes; sometimes, NO. Sometimes I just don’t care and I want to escape from all semblance of life and disappear. I just wish I wouldn’t get a hangover.
But I told him I was feeling better and not depressed like I was before and I had been accomplishing things. Now, why couldn’t he have been positive and said something like…’That’s a good thing. I’ll check back in with you later.’ or something like that. Instead he leaves me on a negative note, saying I sound angry and sarcastic. I hate that because now BRAIN interprets that as I AM ANGRY AND SARCASTIC. I AM BAD. EVERYTHING I DO IS BAD. I am realizing I have so many triggers that I never realized I had. I used to just leave there feeling pissed off but now I know why. He triggers all of my childhood memories. There are things he says that remind me of things that were said to me by authority figures. So, I tend to feel unaccepted and not worthy of anything. I don’t know what I should do with this now.