30 Days of Creativity~Day 17

TREE OF PAIN

what is it you want from me?
youth?
I cannot bring back the years you’ve lost…
time?
it passes in the flash of an eye..
happiness?
I have none to give..
I stand and gaze at your reflection and am swallowed up by the pain…
it envelopes my existence and suffocates me…
I drown within your waters.

Advertisements

30 Days of Creativity~Day 16


ME, MYSELF, AND I

today must be something to someone

a birthday or a special day somewhere

to me it’s just another day or have I forgotten

my brain cells seemed to have  disappeared

Is it the alcohol I’ve been drinking?

Or  the pills I’m prescribed to take each day?

The funny herbal concoction I’ve been smoking?

Am I still grieving every time a death comes my way?

I don’t think God is listening right now

he’s busy with more important matters

People killing each other everywhere

No time for my negative brain and it’s chatter

Just trying to keep busy so I won’t be thinking

honestly, I’m feeling so tired

sleep aint enough,  neither’s smoking nor drinking

into a corner now I’m hiding

Close the door on me and walk away

leave me behind and let the silence stay

Don’t say nothing cause you don’t know what to say

Me, Myself, and I are doing fine we’re okay

Go on, go on….just walk away…really, we’re fine…walk away.

30 Days of Creativity~Day 15

I’M DYING

emptiness……the cold air chills my skin nighttime settles in and I’m alone again

me and the Skyye  and bottles of pills….
I could die
if I chose to………………………………………….

but it doesn’t always work that way with pills and alcohol
sometimes you just sleep in a pool of vomit
or choke horribly and be found and revived ashamed to have failed
other times you’re impaired and hurt others that have nothing to do with your stupid little life
Besides do I want an ending or a new beginning?
I think I know the answer to that.

I’ve lost myself in some kind of world I’m not familiar with
alone but people abound
you’re not here with me anymore nor never will
how can I ever live again
it’s all a farce
smile and laugh I’m dying
tears are falling i’m crying
drinking or smoking i’m dying
can’t bring you back i’m dying

30 Days of Creativity~Day 14

Today’s creative moment is brought to you by JOY.

I tried to think of what made me HAPPY.
-the warmth of the sun beating down upon me when I can relax outside
-singing in tune or out of tune to my favorite Italian rockstar, Vasco Rossi or to the music of Flogging Molly
-sharing and enjoying a conversation with a daughter, especially if it involves laughter
-seeing a clean kitchen or bathroom (or both…I’d faint)
-cooking food that EVERYONE will eat
-that wonderful feeling of being asleep before you are fully awake (if I could only bottle that)
-acting silly with my dog, Conan

If I can think of more I’ll add to the list but this is all I can think of at the moment. I just thought I should try to think of something positive.

Don’t Cook Your Dog

My weekend has been very trying. I can’t remember what I did on what day but I know I did go to the liquor store and buy more vodka, though it was a smaller bottle. As though I felt that was better. And I bought more kahlua. I was feeling anxiety and depressed and decided if that was the case then it didn’t matter what I did. Previously I had been pacing my yard trying to do something but I couldn’t decide what. I mowed the lawn, which I had intended to do but then I was very agitated. I couldn’t decide what to do next and it was irritating me. My street was going to be closed for a bicycle race. This was something that the neighborhood had set up as charity for cancer. They do that here on occasion. Periodically we get notes in our mailbox saying the street will be closed get your car off and this is going to happen whether you like it or not. Of course, my family is anti-social, we never attend these “socials”. It’s not that I don’t want to but I feel not accepted. It’s strange because my family has lived here for 62 years and most of these people are, shall I call them newbies, for lack of a better word. We were the kids that ran this street and now they move in and turn it into a circus side-show. And their children have no brains either. When we were kids and a car was coming, someone yelled “CAR” …these kids stand there and then saunter out-of-the-way like their ass is dragging. I’m sure it’s not their fault, it’s the copious amounts of corn syrup that they consume that’s killing their brain cells as I type. So, my street is being taken over by these do -gooders and their bicycles so I decided the day was shot I can’t take this shit. Plan A and plan B to the liquor store and mix a white russian and party with the Russian navy. So I spent some time sitting in front of my house to watch their bicycle race which seemed to involve all of two people. Hmmm….I wonder what happened. A little girl who looked to be all of four on her little bicycle with streamers flying in the breeze and a middle-aged fat man barely perched on the seat of a ten speed bike who proceeded to stop at the refreshment tent for a drink. Maybe their race was a bust and no one showed….now I felt sorry for them but not sorry enough to climb on a bicycle. I’d have to drink the whole bottle of vodka to do that.

Since the race was a bust and the street was now open I took my car and drove up to the paint store to buy some stain for my porch. The men are still building my front porch but at least that is looking nice. I decided I would buy the stain while feeling good so I would make a decision otherwise I would never be able to decide on the color. I chose something called ‘Normandy’ which is a semi-solid on the bluish/gray side which will let some of the wood grain show through because it is beautiful looking wood. If I hate it later than too bad. I will just walk on it and paint it something else later, maybe red!!

Now, Saturday continued with me taking a nap because I drank and then I was supposed to go to a friend’s house for a party but he backed out. So I stayed home alone and drank more because I am always alone with me, myself, and I. Then I went to bed.

SUNDAY comes along and I wake up and for some reason I am in a bad mood. Was it because of the impending disasters going to occur because of the solar eclipse?? That couldn’t be because I forget about it…I couldn’t even see it here in Boston. Why was I in a bad mood? It’s Sunday…I should be happy. It’s a day off. But I’m mad, my brother is being stupid. He’s annoying me already just by being there. My father is trying to sleep and my brother has the TV on some stupid John Wayne movie and has the light on over my father’s head while he’s trying to sleep. I asked my brother to turn the TV down because my father could hear it but he said, no, he’s asleep. My Dad can still hear things while sleeping and then he absorbs them into his sub conscious and acts on it later. But brother is stupid. So I go outside to get away from him. Most things I say to him fall on deaf ears. I told him to take off the cushioned boot that he wears when he goes to the bathroom so nothing gets on it but he doesn’t do it. Nothing is important to my brother. I wash up my brother’s dishes all the time because his idea of clean is leave them there and things will happen. Yes, I suppose I am an enabler but I live here and this is all making me crazy. So, I decided to go to the store to get bird food and dog biscuits. I shouldn’t get into trouble there…should I???

I successfully pick up what I need at the pet store and go to get into my car when I hear a little dog barking frantically. He is in the car next to mine and all of the windows are rolled up. Yesterday was a sunny day, temps in the 80s, and the parking lot is not in the shade. I sat in my car and looked at him and he stared at me barking with those big Miniature Pinscher eyes. You know those dogs, don’t you. Like tiny Doberman? I waited to see if any of the people coming out of the store owned the dog, contemplating if I would say something to them about leaving the dog in there with the windows closed. This store lets you bring your dog in with you too, so there is no excuse for that. They even had a cage in the car, they could have put the dog in the crate and opened a window…So, I waited but no one came out. Finally I went back in and asked the cashier if she could page the owner of a black Ford to tend to their dog. She was young and didn’t want to get involved. Now regardless of what I may sound like in my blog, I am not fond of confrontation with anyone, especially strangers, and I don’t know who owns the dog but I was getting a little ticked off because this is a living animal that someone is neglecting. So, I told the cashier that I would go looking for the owner myself but she might have to call the police if I find them. As I looked, I spotted three women down an aisle and I approached by asking , “do one of you ladies own a black Ford with a dog in it?” ……this woman says to me…”why, is he barking?” I should have said, No, he’s dying..Bitch. But I wasn’t raised that way. Instead I nicely said that the dog was showing distress by being in the car with the windows rolled up…perhaps she could open one and that they do let you bring your dog in here. She tells me not to discipline her. I asked her, She wouldn’t do that with a baby, would she? At which she mumble some expletive at me. At this point I believe is when the fight or flight response took over in my body. And the first thing my body was thinking was not to flee but to fight. This woman was a total bitch and I felt sorry for that poor little dog but there was nothing more I could do unless I wanted to get arrested for harassment or worse assault. So, I had to walk away as she too was walking away from me but I was totally pissed off at her. I was also angry at myself for reacting the way I did. I let that woman get me very angry…to the point that I could have done something very stupid. Just the fact that I confronted someone in a store is not my personality…which tells me something is going terribly wrong with me.
What does someone do when their world has gone wrong. When their supports have broken down. When their medications have stopped working. What do they do.

I hate My Life

So I live it because I am supposed to and I am grateful for it because so many around me are dying but I hate how I feel everyday. I try to stay sober and I still am depressed. SO what difference does it make if I am sober or not at least while I am drunk I’m having fun and lost into another world. I hate everything right now. Nothing makes any sense. I told my therapist that I felt my drinking is caused by another part of me and not “me”, that I really don’t want to do it and she suggested I take Omega 3 fish oil. Yes, it’s true I won’t go to AA meetings because it’s not ME that’s drinking, it’s another, so why would it matter if me went to meetings, I’m not controlling the show. I need an exorcism but not from the devil. I don;t believe in the devil. I believe only in God and I think God is with me now but I don’t think God is going to help me because I have to help myself with the answer even if the answer ends my life. So be it. Many geniuses end their lives so why not others? I’m not ending my life now I just feel really out of place. I feel out of place and stepped on like a squished ant on the sidewalk…..FUCKING DIE!

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,
I don’t know who you think you are but last night I was feeling okay until you came along and took over my existence. I didn’t feel like drinking but you poured vodka and kahlua into my glass and then drank it while I sat there wondering why I was drinking it. I didn’t even want it! Just a little you said. I could feel my head hurt, like a band being squeezed around it. You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? Why do you want me to drink? I wasn’t depressed, I didn’t feel sad, I just felt lost. I felt like nothing last night. Then you screwed me up. The alcohol didn’t make me feel good, it didn’t help or make me feel happy or do anything. Why did you pour it? You won’t even answer me now! You have no answers to anything anymore. Now I feel depressed because of you and your liquor. Well, do you know what I did this morning brain? I poured that bottle of vodka down the drain. Then I poured that bottle of kahlua down the drain. Those two brand new bottles you just bought the other day are all gone. I watched them disappear down the drain and smelled the alcohol as it disappeared down the drain and then I rinsed the bottles and put them back behind the couch. They’re back where I found them so tonight when YOU GO LOOKING FOR THEM THEY WILL STILL BE THERE. BUT THEY WILL BE EMPTY, BRAIN…..JUST LIKE YOU!! FUCK YOU BRAIN. I AM TIRED OF YOU TRYING TO KILL ME. SO GO AHEAD AND LOOK. I HOPE YOU GET MAD AND SMASH THE BOTTLES TONIGHT. MAYBE THE POLICE WILL COME AND ARREST YOU AND THROW YOU AWAY SOMEWHERE. Now if you want to try to talk to me like a normal brain you can but you insist on telling me to kill myself and cut myself to pieces and I don’t know what I’ve ever done to you. Consider this a warning, your time is running out and I’m getting tired of your shit. My day of emancipation is nearing and you’re not going to like it!