My weekend has been very trying. I can’t remember what I did on what day but I know I did go to the liquor store and buy more vodka, though it was a smaller bottle. As though I felt that was better. And I bought more kahlua. I was feeling anxiety and depressed and decided if that was the case then it didn’t matter what I did. Previously I had been pacing my yard trying to do something but I couldn’t decide what. I mowed the lawn, which I had intended to do but then I was very agitated. I couldn’t decide what to do next and it was irritating me. My street was going to be closed for a bicycle race. This was something that the neighborhood had set up as charity for cancer. They do that here on occasion. Periodically we get notes in our mailbox saying the street will be closed get your car off and this is going to happen whether you like it or not. Of course, my family is anti-social, we never attend these “socials”. It’s not that I don’t want to but I feel not accepted. It’s strange because my family has lived here for 62 years and most of these people are, shall I call them newbies, for lack of a better word. We were the kids that ran this street and now they move in and turn it into a circus side-show. And their children have no brains either. When we were kids and a car was coming, someone yelled “CAR” …these kids stand there and then saunter out-of-the-way like their ass is dragging. I’m sure it’s not their fault, it’s the copious amounts of corn syrup that they consume that’s killing their brain cells as I type. So, my street is being taken over by these do -gooders and their bicycles so I decided the day was shot I can’t take this shit. Plan A and plan B to the liquor store and mix a white russian and party with the Russian navy. So I spent some time sitting in front of my house to watch their bicycle race which seemed to involve all of two people. Hmmm….I wonder what happened. A little girl who looked to be all of four on her little bicycle with streamers flying in the breeze and a middle-aged fat man barely perched on the seat of a ten speed bike who proceeded to stop at the refreshment tent for a drink. Maybe their race was a bust and no one showed….now I felt sorry for them but not sorry enough to climb on a bicycle. I’d have to drink the whole bottle of vodka to do that.
Since the race was a bust and the street was now open I took my car and drove up to the paint store to buy some stain for my porch. The men are still building my front porch but at least that is looking nice. I decided I would buy the stain while feeling good so I would make a decision otherwise I would never be able to decide on the color. I chose something called ‘Normandy’ which is a semi-solid on the bluish/gray side which will let some of the wood grain show through because it is beautiful looking wood. If I hate it later than too bad. I will just walk on it and paint it something else later, maybe red!!
Now, Saturday continued with me taking a nap because I drank and then I was supposed to go to a friend’s house for a party but he backed out. So I stayed home alone and drank more because I am always alone with me, myself, and I. Then I went to bed.
SUNDAY comes along and I wake up and for some reason I am in a bad mood. Was it because of the impending disasters going to occur because of the solar eclipse?? That couldn’t be because I forget about it…I couldn’t even see it here in Boston. Why was I in a bad mood? It’s Sunday…I should be happy. It’s a day off. But I’m mad, my brother is being stupid. He’s annoying me already just by being there. My father is trying to sleep and my brother has the TV on some stupid John Wayne movie and has the light on over my father’s head while he’s trying to sleep. I asked my brother to turn the TV down because my father could hear it but he said, no, he’s asleep. My Dad can still hear things while sleeping and then he absorbs them into his sub conscious and acts on it later. But brother is stupid. So I go outside to get away from him. Most things I say to him fall on deaf ears. I told him to take off the cushioned boot that he wears when he goes to the bathroom so nothing gets on it but he doesn’t do it. Nothing is important to my brother. I wash up my brother’s dishes all the time because his idea of clean is leave them there and things will happen. Yes, I suppose I am an enabler but I live here and this is all making me crazy. So, I decided to go to the store to get bird food and dog biscuits. I shouldn’t get into trouble there…should I???
I successfully pick up what I need at the pet store and go to get into my car when I hear a little dog barking frantically. He is in the car next to mine and all of the windows are rolled up. Yesterday was a sunny day, temps in the 80s, and the parking lot is not in the shade. I sat in my car and looked at him and he stared at me barking with those big Miniature Pinscher eyes. You know those dogs, don’t you. Like tiny Doberman? I waited to see if any of the people coming out of the store owned the dog, contemplating if I would say something to them about leaving the dog in there with the windows closed. This store lets you bring your dog in with you too, so there is no excuse for that. They even had a cage in the car, they could have put the dog in the crate and opened a window…So, I waited but no one came out. Finally I went back in and asked the cashier if she could page the owner of a black Ford to tend to their dog. She was young and didn’t want to get involved. Now regardless of what I may sound like in my blog, I am not fond of confrontation with anyone, especially strangers, and I don’t know who owns the dog but I was getting a little ticked off because this is a living animal that someone is neglecting. So, I told the cashier that I would go looking for the owner myself but she might have to call the police if I find them. As I looked, I spotted three women down an aisle and I approached by asking , “do one of you ladies own a black Ford with a dog in it?” ……this woman says to me…”why, is he barking?” I should have said, No, he’s dying..Bitch. But I wasn’t raised that way. Instead I nicely said that the dog was showing distress by being in the car with the windows rolled up…perhaps she could open one and that they do let you bring your dog in here. She tells me not to discipline her. I asked her, She wouldn’t do that with a baby, would she? At which she mumble some expletive at me. At this point I believe is when the fight or flight response took over in my body. And the first thing my body was thinking was not to flee but to fight. This woman was a total bitch and I felt sorry for that poor little dog but there was nothing more I could do unless I wanted to get arrested for harassment or worse assault. So, I had to walk away as she too was walking away from me but I was totally pissed off at her. I was also angry at myself for reacting the way I did. I let that woman get me very angry…to the point that I could have done something very stupid. Just the fact that I confronted someone in a store is not my personality…which tells me something is going terribly wrong with me.
What does someone do when their world has gone wrong. When their supports have broken down. When their medications have stopped working. What do they do.