30 Days of Creativity~Day Seven

you’ve got to run along the edge of madness teetering
-Charles Bukowski

What are you going to write about tonight?….
maybe the stars that light the way the newborn life that spoke today,
the end of times the endless rhyme why won’t it end?
the inquisitive child asked imploringly,
maybe we won’t know the start or feel the end
but there is an answer if you look around.
The rhyme is clear but my brain still fears
that the eye won’t see a friend for me
and the world will be silent not a soul about
all goes black as I hit the ground.
No more tomorrow, it all comes to an end
as the glass bottle breaks upon the floor
I realize I can’t take no more.
Sleep or death, it’s all the same,
escape from the silence that never ends.

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On the Attack

Today I have been very busy. I received news that construction on my front porch would begin on Monday so I had to remove everything from underneath it this weekend. This has been a long time coming. Years! I am excited and scared. I have to trust these guys to do a good job….it is foreign territory for me. So, today I put my energy into removing all of this weird stuff from under the porch. It was embarrassing to me. Their were metal barrels that had leaves and sticks in it that should be put out for recycling years ago but hadn’t. The leaf recycling doesn’t start until next week so I have to put these barrels in back. Also there were rocks from the beach, pretty smooth rocks my mother had collected that I didn’t want to throw away that I needed to move into the back yard. I have a problem because i think my neighbors are watching me. They probably are too, they have boring lives but then what are they going to see, that I have rocks and junk under my porch? The weird part was the old paint cans that I have to bring to the toxic waste pick up place, they were in black bags. I put them into the wheel barrel. I kept thinking the neighbors were thinking I was removing body parts from under my porch!….LOL. Now you know I’m nuts! I wonder if this makes me a narcissist. Because I think everyone thinks about me. Or am I just lonely and I want people to think about me? By the end of the day there was a lot of work and I was really tired. I managed to squeeze in getting the grass cut and I am happy to say the yard looks really nice. So, you would think I would be happy and I would know what to do.
But the evening comes along and my father and brother go to sleep and my daughters are out and I am alone. I sit alone and my mind is not nice to me. I don’t understand this lately. I’m not depressed. Even with the death of my aunt. I want to escape the loneliness at night though. So, I am drinking again.
I hate the feeling in the middle of the night thought. I love the high from it while I’m drinking. The mania can’t be beat. I feel like I am 30 years younger and just flying, even if I am alone and have to be quiet and just listen to music on my headphones. But I know this is killing me, I’m not 17, I’m 47 and my liver is 47 and it’s loaded up on psych drugs that metabolize through the liver and tomorrow I will feel my liver. It will say…”SHIT”. Why am I self-destructive? Why don’t I just take a razor and cut myself like the old days? It was faster, easier, less destructive, quicker, lasted longer, but carried more of a stigma and an outer scar. Drinking is accepted in our culture. AAAh. I don’t want to think anymore…I am disgusted.

Loneliness Hurts

I am lucky. After my husband died I had my daughters with me. I take care of my father everyday. In fact I live with my father and a brother. So I am not alone. Sometimes though I feel like I am. Even when people are around me. My father can’t help it, in fact he probably communicates with me more than most do but in a nonsensical and demented way. His late-stage dementia creates an interesting world of hallucinations and drama that I am a part of too. But at least I don’t feel lonely when I am with him. My husband was connected to me in a special way though, for good and bad, but after 25 years they become a part of you. Now, it’s gone.

Tonight I’m going to my aunt’s wake. She died suddenly on Tuesday from a heart attack. Her husband also died, just three months ago. But she lived alone after that. Her children had their own lives to tend to and would stop in to visit but overall she was alone. She felt the depression and loneliness of the loss. Each day she also helped her husband who suffered from an illness and was kept busy but all of that had come to an end. Now there was just her each morning. The quiet must have been like a knife through her heart.

This is triggering many emotions because I had just been thinking of her on Tuesday, thinking of visiting her. But, as usual, I was too late. I didn’t call her to ask how she was because I never thought she would just drop dead. My father’s family live into their 90s, so this has been a shock. But I can see it, the poor woman died of a broken heart. I can only wonder what would have happened to me if my daughters hadn’t been here or if I weren’t caring for my father. Loneliness hurts and sometimes it kills.

30 Days of Creativity~Day Six

Wishing you all a good day and night where ever and whenever you may be.

Sentience

I rested my head against the aged side of the old tree.

My hands caressed the etched, wrinkled bark of the trunk.

Though tough and protective it yielded to growth.

Times it had been harmed and scars remained as memories,

It’s branches outstretched not questioning the day.

Welcoming in the new day’s warmth giving sunlight,

The life-giving rains…the harsh biting winds of winter,

The bough breaking snows that clear the deadwood.

This tree, a world unto itself, offered another more important gift to me.

A reminder…this is life…simplified…but life just the same.

Allow it into your world with open arms and accept the good and bad.

Your scars will surely heal too and you will stand tall..

If you choose not to fight with life as you age.

The changes are expected and one day you too will be admired

By someone looking up to as you tower over them.

They will caress your wrinkled hand and hold your outstretched arm.

Yes, there is so much to learn. Pay attention when walking among the trees.

30 Days of Creativity~Day Five

A poem and photo for you today. Hope you enjoy.

If Only to Forget for a Day

I know I cannot but I want to.
The cruel trick that fate has played upon me-
my heart aches for you,
longs for you-
the pain torments me,
tears at my soul and
taunts my existence.
why do I love
to only feel the despair of loss
escaping on the wings of flight
lost to the ages?
will you only become another wrinkle etched upon my face
that only I know the true meaning of?
cruel, cruel dawn that awakens me from my slumber
bringing me back to the coldness of my city.
I am alone again.

30 Days of Creativity~Day Four

I am a very sensitive soul. I love people and love my friends. Nothing hurts me more than when no one calls me or invites me to their house party or whatever. I may not go because I suffer from slight panic but the offer is nice. This song is written from the perspective of those that are listening to their machine (yes, some of us don’t use cell phones every day..lol). I have a lot of anger issues too. My song is called “Leave Me A Message” and I wrote it after listening to my daughter listen to a message from a friend on the answering machine and decide not to call her back. I thought it was evil. The song is written and performed by me. I have no musical training and the music is performed on one of those machines,…I forget what they’re called except the guitar on the wah pedal. My brain is dead from all of the pills I take.

Listen and don’t die laughing.

Play the song Leave Me A Message

All Rights Reserved and Copyrighted, even if it does suck.

30 Days of Creativity~Day Three

Today I’ll discuss my family. Near and dear to me.

FAMILY HISTORY

Alzheimer’s took my mother
Lewy Dementia my Dad
AIDS killed my brother
mental illness I had

My brother’s a hoarder
his room is a mess
I’d say please kill me
but my scars I detest

One daughter’s bipolar
The other’s anorexic
the older I get
my writings dyslexic

My doggie takes seizures
My finch is missing a toe
If I look much harder
the crazier I’ll go

My family is big
Their problems are too
They hide behind masks,
pretend and play ‘who knew?’

Except me who sees doctors.
years past and pills taken
wondering when it will end
will I ever awaken.

So, I wonder is the cure to all the ills lie hidden in not going to the doctor but convincing ourselves we’re not really ill? Who’s fooling who? If I walk around my backyard clucking like a chicken will I lay an egg?

I take Topoamax, Depakote, and Sertraline. I used to take more but stopped . The so called drug cocktail was an experiment and I am not a guinea pig.

Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts.