Who Do You Think You Are?

Most people today have at least one mirror in their house. It may be a small one in your bathroom in the medicine chest or a full size dressing mirror so you can see how you look. Don’t want to go out with your pants on backwards, do you? I wonder though, do you actually see the “REAL” you when you look in the mirror? Or do you see the reflection of your personality at that time?

The reason I ask is because I have an issue with myself. It’s not a problem but I wonder if others do this. I have always dressed the same way since I was a teenager. I wear t-shirts and jeans all year round. When the weather is cold I’ll wear a sweatshirt and a coat outdoors. But I don’t act nor dress my age, which is 47. I also tend to wear dark sunglasses, the type that are silver reflective. Then no one can see my eyes.

When I go out to do photography I carry a backpack for my lenses and can look very serious because I am concentrating on the work I am doing. So I tend to get a frown on my face, some people say it’s a scowl or a sneer. Today I happened to catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window and it actually frightened me…lol. I looked like a terrorist. I’m dressed in black, carrying a black bag, looking like I want to kill the world. Maybe this is why I have trouble with photographing people. My self-image is one of fear. I have built up this image of a person that the world had better stay away from. At least that is what my mind is saying.

But others tell me how happy and nice I am and how I could easily get people to pose for me if I just asked them. How can this be?? I am supposed to be the Tasmanian Devil how has my mind lied to me all these years and continue to do so? I am actually afraid at times.

I used to weigh 250 lbs. and I am about 5’2″ now because I think I have shrunk an inch. So, I was always tough and could beat the snot out of anyone. I was very confident, and very strong. I became sick almost 4 years ago with an infection and was treated with antibiotics for three months which destroyed my ability to digest foods properly. This turned into Irritable Bowel Syndrome and totally reduced my ability to eat down to only: potatoes, rice, and bread. These have to be organic too or I’ll get violently ill. Anyway, I lost 100 lbs. making me someone I had never been. I had been overweight my entire life from the time I was 6. Now I was considered a normal size but my brain still considered me fat. It still does four years later. My brain still thinks I can kick the shit out of anyone that crosses my pass. It’s dangerous because I’ve seen photos and realized that I’m smaller than the average person and they could easily throw me to the ground now. Brain is crazy, brain thinks everything is something else. Brain thinks I am someone else. Brain thinks I am not 47, brain thinks I am tough and not fearful. I think brain is trying to kill me.

Does anyone else think like this? Is this a bipolar reaction? My therapist won’t discuss this with me because he doesn’t have time to analyze me and he is not a magician.
Sorry, for the long and winding road through my bloggy brain. It’s quiet here again because older daughter went to the party and younger daughter is upstairs.
Maybe someone has some insight into this?
Have a good night all!


3 thoughts on “Who Do You Think You Are?

  1. carlarenee45 says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I wrote a post a while back about how I “looked” in the mirror every day while I brushed my teeth, but I didn’t really look. But every once in a while it happeneds. You look! As far as weight issues. All my life I was very slender and tiny yet 5’6″. then after my breakdown and the meds started making me gain weight, I have had a battle every sence. The thing with me is, In my head, when I am not staring at myself in the mirror, I forget im overweight. I still think I am 120 lbs. It’s a shock to see myself. I just try and not look too often lol.

  2. justaSeeker says:

    You are NOT alone regarding the ideas and thoughts you’ve written about in this blog post. You expressed yourself very well. Perhaps I understand what you had to say because I too, often think along these very same lines. I also am affected by my bipolar (type II) brain/mind and the way my thoughts processes things.

    I’ve also noticed that my brain/mind works in very different ways depending upon where my bipolar cycle/mode happens to be at the time. In depressed mode all i can see/feel is negativity, and I think there is no hope/help for me whatsoever. I feel like I’m trapped in quicksand with no way to escape.
    When in hypomania, I see/feel/think everything in the most upbeat positive ways, and life is definitely worth living. However my thoughts are very scattered and way too quick, and I cant seem to focus on any one thing to follow it through to completion. A zillion projects started, but nothing really gets done.
    Lastly, is the mixed zone/cycle/episodes. Which is a mixture/conglomeration of both depression and being hypomanic, at the same time. I haven’t really given much study/thought to this mixed side of thinking to make any rational sense of what’s involved.

    These conflicting thoughts we experience are known as “cognitive distortions.” Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true.

    I first came across this term at http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
    Wikipedia also has some good info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

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