Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. -William James
Of course it does, I’m a good person and I’m helpful and worthy to society….I keep telling myself but don’t believe a word that voice says.
I try every day to open my eyes and not hide under my covers and roll onto the floor and force myself to just get going from point A to point B. That is a very hard thing for me to accomplish most days, whether I feel well or not. I thought the sunnier days would help since we have turned our clocks ahead for daylight savings time but the pep is not happening. The mania is gone. I’m waiting for its return. I love being manic….not overblown crazy manic but hypomanic. I get so much accomplished and my mind acts and doesn’t sit in idle thinking..thinking..thinking. I hate the thinking, all the time thinking. Shut the hell up and just get to work you lazy piece of shit. I have so much to do in this house and all I can get done is the basic shit everyday. Get my father up, get his breakfast, laundry, dishes, cooking…those are basics for me…I don’t have to think about because I’ve done it for so long. I also thrive on stability and that is normalcy but I have to maintain the house too. I must have the entire front porch replaced. I was going to do it last year but my husband got sick and died three months later. Now the porch really needs to go, so I have to call the porch man again and arrange for that to be done. I’m not sure that the rest of my family even understands how difficult it is to do this. They tell me just DO IT. I have to choose the right person, trust them, watch them tear down a porch that my father built, and then deal with the noise and confusion of the rebuild. My father is not going to understand at all. When I had the roof replaced three years ago he thought ‘hooligans’ were throwing rocks at the house. Now he is much worse. So all of this creates chaos before I have even done anything but the chaos is in my mind. No one else experiences it. I hate this. Then there’s the driveway and the fence and the kitchen floor needs to be replaced…..blah, blah, blah. Why don’t I just stick a hot poker in my eye…that’s what the headaches feel like. And the worst part about all of this is when and if it gets done I’ll be the happiest person on earth because things will look great. So, why can’t I do it?? Why can’t I just pick any name out of a phone book and have the work done and have life go on? Because I don’t want to be a failure…and because I will have no control over the situation once I hire them. Yet, I am already a failure because I can’t do it and I obviously have no control over anything.