The sun is shining. I really shouldn’t complain but I will. After three years I have a cold. It is a nasty, rotten cold and I feel like someone has punched me in the jaw. My punishment for having so much fun after being severely depressed for almost three months. My immunity must have been dancing a jig instead of being on guard and WHAM it got hit by this evil flu-like sickness. Of course my daughter has been walking around sick all week with it too. For some reason she has reverted to wanting hugs while she’s been sick. Like a good mother I give her hugs with a smile all the while my brain is thinking…AAAHHHH!!!!……GERMS!!!!!.…..BACK AWAY GIRL………but I made her soup and brought her drinks because she has been keeping up with her college schedule and trying really hard. That’s more than I feel like doing now. Where are MY hugs? Where is MY soup? I put on a breathing mask when I was taking care of my father this morning because God forbid he gets this, never mind a 94 year old getting sick, but when someone with dementia gets sick their dementia gets even worse. How much worse can it be?? I know, of course…….I saw it with my mother too. I never mentioned I took care of my mother who also had Alzheimer’s for three years until she died right here in front of me. I helped her over “to the other side”. So, I know if he gets sick even from a cold it could be death or he could just be pooping in his pants…..which is just as difficult when I’m caring for him and I’m sick too. This morning I barely had the strength to help him stand. So, I’m hoping and praying for this to pass quickly and a big HOORAY that it’s Friday so my brother will take over after he gets home. I can disappear upstairs and lie down if I want or just watch TV.
I can’t help but wonder if all of this wasn’t brought on by stress though. I handle so much here by myself. This time of year is now the anniversary of my husband’s diagnosis. That happened on April 1….great April Fool’s joke, huh? My daughters and I can’t believe it was a year ago…it’s really mind blowing. Also to top that off I had my mammogram last Saturday and received a call Monday that I have to return for another one. I haven’t really reacted to that. I figure they just need another set of images. I’m a photographer and I know even with digital things can create shadows. But we all know what lurks in the back of our minds and I’m no different. I can’t bullshit anyone. I am scared. What if? What if? So, I have to wait until Tuesday for another mammogram and in the meantime tell myself ‘everything is fine’….. as I drag myself around feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck.
I know one thing for sure—I’m too damn busy and too damn needed to have any illness stop me.