I’m Going to Go Insane

I knew that would give you a laugh. Go insane Dorothy, but aren’t you already there? Yes, yes, I know….been there and back again many times but I am losing my mind listening to my father talk tonight. Normally I would have a drink and I would feel fine. I am not a drink till I’m drop dead drunk during the week type of person because I’m responsible for my Dad. It got to be that lately I would feel really stressed and then I would have one or two drinks and that’s it. But this went on throughout January and now into February. First it was maybe on a Friday night or a Saturday, then it got to be Friday and Saturday, and then it got to be almost daily.

Yesterday I went to my therapist but the one that prescribes the pills only. He refused to help me until I stop drinking and when I told him I couldn’t then he said I should go to the hospital. But if I go then no one can take care of my father. So, I am up shit creek without the paddle. Just listening to my Dad talking is giving me a headache too. He has advanced dementia and rambles on nonsensically. Talking in non sentences about nothing because none of it makes sense. It goes on and on and on and on and on and on. When it ends I’m not even sure it’s ended because I expect it to start again. I am trying so hard to just not drink and I don’t feel depressed I feel manic but not manic…..I don’t know what this is!! You know that feeling when you want to run screaming from your house and run away? That’s the feeling….but there’s nowhere to go. I’m going to keep trying…..I only have another hour until he goes to bed, if he cooperates. Then I have to get through the rest of my night alone. I’ll take my pills early if I have to or go for a walk while one of the kids watches over things. I tried walking earlier and it didn’t help and I was shocked at how quickly I became winded. I used to go hiking every weekend and didn’t feel like this….now something has changed and then I poisoned it all with the alcohol.

So, I have nowhere to turn except myself right now. I have to look at it in tiny pieces or I’ll be overwhelmed. Self destruction looms large too….I’ll be glad when this day ends.

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