Bad Weekend

I had a bad weekend. It started with Saturday night. I was watching a movie with my older daughter and having a good time but then my younger daughter came into the room. She has a way of changing things quickly. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing all things will stop for her and the spot light must then be upon her. And she can’t seem to speak in a normal volume it always has to be amplified. Surely this comes from having earplugs jammed into her ears with the music blasting for years but what do I know…I’m only a stupid mother? So, since she asked for the spot light, she got it. I can’t remember how the conversation turned to the subject but just two days before my daughter had shaved the hair off of the side of her head, so I proceeded to speak with her about where she felt this was going to lead. What was going to come next? She had mentioned before about having her ears stretched or something, piercings, tattoos, etc….etc…. Now, to let you know…I have a tattoo and I dye my hair on occasion so I can’t say anything about that. I don’t really care about piercings though I wish she wouldn’t and I even looked at the head shaving business from the point of view of a stranger and just accepted it because hair can grow back. I am trying to be as open-minded as possible. I do think I would totally freak if she stretched her ears though. But I can’t do nothing, she’s 18 and it’s legal for her to do anything she wants. I’m not giving her the money though. So, I discussed this with her because I am paying for her community college and I was saying that society does judge you on appearances which is why I wanted to know where this was going. Unfortunately she decided not to have a discussion and to tell me to get my head out of my ass. Sorry honey there goes your free ride to the train station in the morning. You can get your ASS up early and hop the bus to the train station yourself Miss “I’m an adult and can do what ever I want”……she then proceeded to slam her door in my face whereupon I told her father would have been very upset with her shaving her head. Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken the truth but my husband would have been pissed at her. He didn’t go for that. This caused her to come flying out of her room with her fists flying all over the place, punching me left and right. I didn’t know what was happening, she was so crazy. I understand I’m an easy target for her, this wasn’t the first time she’s ever hit me but this was certainly different because it went on. She was going to try to lock herself in the bathroom then and play the old…I’m going to kill myself routine….sorry, not gonna happen. I got my big foot in the door and put myself in there with her and told her, Go ahead, in front of the mirror, adult, want to hit me more, watch yourself doing it….I can call the police now. This proceeded to be another discussion with her telling me she wished I was dead (like I’ve never heard that before….please…..do me the favor) and then that she would kill me…..like I said, do me the favor. Her and I are too much alike. I can stand there and say go ahead. I’m too stubborn and she’s too stubborn. I’m crazy and she’s God knows what. When she said she was going to leave that was when I decided I was going to leave. I was sick of being her bitch. I tried to leave and that’s when she grabbed me by my hoodie which was zipped up to my neck. I turned and she grabbed me by my arm and that’s when I finally swung back at her and told her to get her hands off of me and said I was calling the police. She’s taller and stronger than me and I just had it, you know. I’ve never retaliated before and I’m not happy I did this time either. I just wanted her to let go and I’m glad she did. She heard my other daughter yell to leave me alone. I ran downstairs and grabbed my coat and left. The whole time I was gone all I think of doing was hurting myself. While driving I thought about driving into a tree. But I could see my other daughter and I thought about who would take care of my Dad. I really hate life right now. I was depressed before but now I feel even smaller. It seems like no matter what I do in life it’s wrong. I don’t understand my younger daughter either. I’ve never done anything bad to that child, never hit her. I hit her sister when she was younger but even that I stopped because I didn’t like that kind of discipline. My husband and I never fought and we barely ever argued about anything. I wish she’d get some counseling for her anger but since she’s 18 I can’t make her do anything. Right now I won’t even talk to her. I’ll see my therapist tomorrow but I don’t expect anything positive out of the visit. I’ll just be lectured for the dangerous amount of alcohol I’ve been consuming. Hey, I’m the type that is self-destructive. I haven’t cut myself yet (not in years) but what’s the difference. The whole weekend made me exhausted and not want to get out of bed again but Mon-Fri. is my Dad so I behave for that. Now he’s in bed, so I am listening to music and trying to cope. Hope everyone has a good night.

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2 thoughts on “Bad Weekend

  1. carlarenee45 says:

    You need to have more respect for yourself. I made the same mistake with my daughter. I was so mentally unstable when she became like that (well there was always the seed) I just tried to keep her happy and made excuses to turn the other way and just agree to anything she wanted to do. I thought I should be friends and act like I was ok with the piercings and the behaviour. I let her have parties at the house and drink here with her friends. Which only did more to destroy my house. She was also one to demand the spotlight and to keep the peace, I gave it to her. Eventually she had no respect for me and treated me like one of her punk peers. We ended up fighting physically and I was thank God stronger.
    Looking back, I should have never let her have control from the beginning as a child. I shouldn’t have tried to make up for an abusive father so much that I crusified myself for her. She is married now, still very rebellious, making bad decisions, not getting anywhere in life. But we are close as close as we can be. I am there when she has a problem but I do say my opinion and she ignores it. I have tried to share my concerns, my illness, my life with her. She acts like she cares for a minute till she gets bored.
    I should have had some stuctutre at home for her when she was young. But now, oh well, nothing I can do. So I finally started thinking of me.

  2. dedgekko says:

    It’s true, it’s so much easier to back down at the time to a domineering kid just to keep peace in a home but after time they get the upper hand and something like this happens. She tried her apologizing today. I’m not talking though. She reminds me of any abusive person. Hit and then apologize with a smile. I’m not taking and what she doesn’t understand is I already forgave her when she was doing it but as a mother it hurts too much to forget.

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