Goodbye 2016

2016 Wrap-Up

My youngest daughter left home, flew the nest, supposedly never to return after years of threats only to have it last a month and a half . She has anxiety and has intestinal problems and became sick and decided to return. So, from freedom to her jail cell she returns and has been here since summer started suffering the entire time. She is planning to leave again.

My brother who I live with “died”…twice. He had an intestinal bleed and his heart stopped. Luckily I was in the same room with him and witnessed his behavior change yet I was not aware of what was happening to him. I was also very lucky that his heart didn’t stop until he was safely at the emergency room. So, after ten days in the hospital he recovered and has been fine. Unfortunately he has been unemployed since May.

My older daughter has decided to change her name. That may not seem like a big deal and maybe it shouldn’t be to me. I am trying to just accept it but I tried very hard to pick my daughter’s name and now she doesn’t want it anymore. So I am feeling like a baby now, very childish, I know. It really doesn’t matter what her name is.

2016 was a year I prefer to view in a positive light even though it was not filled with positive events. The worse thing to happen to me (that I can remember) is being plagued with daily pain that prevents me from being me. It stops me from doing some physical labor and even doing small tasks causes intense pain the next day. The fact that this affects my right arm and I am dominant on that side is also frustrating. But that’s just the way it goes. After all this life has brought I’m bound to feel some pain.

So, this is all positive to me at this very moment…don’t worry it will change. I just feel like it would be nice if no one I know personally dies this year. That might be too much to ask since it’s out of our hands. In any case, hope we all have a Happy New Year 2017.

An Entry With no Name

Darkness, I hope it becomes you because that’s all there seems to be in my world. My sleep cycle has been disturbed as of late.¬†Awake, night after night. Silence my friendly enemy soon to be replaced by the cacophanic offerings of thought. Rhythmic breathing, in and out, in and out, how long can the inhalation be held before straining? What does it feel like to drown? Do you just realize that you’re going to die and accept the fact by breathing the water? Why am I thinking this? I should be asleep but I’m awake thinking things from some other time and place. Have you ever wondered why some chords sound better played in consecutive order than others? Have a happier tone or a sadder tone? Why does our brain perceive this to be this way? Why am I awake at 2:30 a.m thinking of this? Why, oh why, do I ask the question why? Honestly, I am interested but a big part of me doesn’t care either. I’d be just as satisfied if a giant meteor crushed me as I slept. I have no purpose of existence.

Beverage Disorder

I didn’t drink for about two years, which was a good thing for me, an alcoholic. I joined AA and went to the meetings and after the required time I even spoke at meetings on the stage in front of an audience of my peers. They suggest you do this and I actually wanted to when it came to helping others. Yet, fast forward three years and once again, I’m drinking. Honestly, I’d rather smoke pot if it was legal but it isn’t and liquor is, so why not join the rest of society and partake? Marijuana is better because it is medicinal but I’m just too lazy to pursue that angle, though I have my medical records I could rely on. Alcohol is very destructive. It falls into my plan of self hatred. I’m very depressed and alcohol is like liquid food feeding a vicious cycle. I know I can’t go on like this. I put on a good face but it’s all just bullshit. This is the first time I’ve cancelled many appointments with my therapist in a row because I just don’t care anymore. There is no one to care for. They are all dead. Just me and my bunny. No one else. Maybe I can drive my car into the ocean and disappear. What difference does it make? The sharks would be happy. Or maybe not, they might not be into pickled human. HA! Oh…. who really cares anyways…

I’m Not a Victim

I’m not a victim, unless it’s what I choose to be.
Tear out my eyes, so I can no longer see.
Sew up my heart, it’s broken and the pain is real.
But, I’m not a victim, unless I choose to feel.

I’m not a victim, unless my thoughts keep saying so.
Silence them with laughter, seeds that soon will grow.
Replace the tears of sadness with those made of joy.
Cause, I’m not a victim unless I’m just a part of their ploy.

I’m not a victim, unless society wants to say I am.
Media mind control makes sure you watch your nightly program.
Tries to convince you of what is right and what is not.
Yet, I’m not their victim cause I can’t be bought.

They can play their games, try to control your thoughts,
Leave you wondering whose calling the shots.
Remember, my friend, you’re not a victim , unless you choose to be.
Push them away, don’t let them see, you’re not their nominee.
You’re not their victim, unless you choose to be.

Take control, don’t forget.
Don’t be anyone’s marionette.

July 1973

Flashes here,
Now there.
Wait.
It’s behind you.
Hot and sweaty,
But I have to find where you went.
Holding on tightly to your home.
If I drop it,
All will End.
Shattered on the ground.
Like dreams out of reach
On a far off summer night.
We’re only realizing it doesn’t matter.
Our lives will end soon.
Though holes are punched in the lid,
The air’s too stale to breathe.
Chase the flashing.
Quick!
Before it’s too late.
Firefly.

Unable to Connect

Don’t know what to do anymore. All I do is stay in one room and listen to music and watch tv. I don’t socialize with anyone because I don’t have anything to say to them. I talk to my daughter but she’s busy, so I don’t say much. I refuse to talk to my brother, he just wants to debate everything I say. So, I stopped talking to him completely, not one word. My doc thinks he has Aspergers, so he should be happy. He doesn’t do anything but sit at the kitchen table on his computer all day, watching cartoons or writing sci-fi. Whatever. I’ve given up. I’m either gonna drink myself to death, die from boredom, or say the wrong thing to the wrong person and be killed. Well, hallelujah, bring it on! I’ve already fulfilled all my promises in this crappy life and if the rest of the world wants to run around crazy then so can I.

Life Sucks

I’m very unhappy, feeling evil. My thoughts are not well at all. I want to lie on the roadway of life and be run down, don’t deserve nor want to live another day at all. Resentment is one of the worst feelings a person can feel towards another. It’s usually ego based. An injured ego needs to find another to blame, which isn’t difficult to do, and then resentment easily builds. Yet, I find it to be like acid, eating away at the walls of my heart. Burning it’s way into my soul until I feel like an empty carcass, sun bleached and dried. I remember lessons from AA about writing down our resentments and revisiting them as to how we could address them better. Most of the time I realized my resentments were trivial. Someone pointed out to me that the resentment wasn’t trivial but I had changed. I no longer viewed it as being so important, I no longer cared. What they didn’t realize about me was, yes I had changed and it was no longer important, but that I had stopped caring because I had given up the fight. I was tired of fighting. I was surrounded by slobs and I was tired of trying to dig out a small niche of cleanliness. Now, I was sick and tired and just didn’t care anymore. Drive over me with a duckboat, I am sick of fighting for my sanity. NO ONE CARES! Life will continue, with or without you. Clean or in a big mess, who cares, only you. What a big stupid illusion life is.